Behind My Thoughts

Starting To Wish A Love Like Heartstopper

*This poem is originally written by me.

I started to wish for a love like that
Damned the day I saw both of them
My heart is bleeding because I might never had it
And so it's happy to see them in joy
I discovered new things about myself
And maybe is not something I'm proud of
But I guess is the beginning of something new

I started to wish for a love like that
Been reading about them so much
Now it's time to get out of my shield
And tell everyone how I feel
I discovered new things about myself
And I wasn't even paying attention to those details
But I guess is the beginning of a new love

I started to wish for a love like that
Will I have it with you by my side?
So I realized maybe I don't care about sex anymore
And I just want a steady mental job
I discovered new things about myself
And I'm scared of being alone
But I guess is the beginning of a new me.

I wrote this when I just finished reading the whole graphic novels of Heartstopper. What a beautiful and delightful masterpiece that Ms. Oseman created! It's so comforting, feels like a hug directly in the heart with all the topics she has covered, the funny and the painful moments, it really has it all.

I hadn't heard of Heartstopper before the show came out on Netflix, so I'm a really new member of the fandom. I was just curious about it and finished the whole show in one single night. I needed way more than just 8 episodes of less than 30 minutes each, so I finished the whole graphic novels in the next two nights. And honestly, there isn't a day that I go without actually getting something new about this story.

I was able to connect with Tori Spring since reading "Solitaire" and the short novella "Nick & Charlie." I first even considered myself to be living under the same cloudy sky as Tori. However, when it comes to understanding a character, that one is really Nick Nelson. He, by being all soft and a little comfortable in his life, starting to panic because of getting confused and searching in multiple websites if he was gay... I saw myself of 19 years old doing these stuff. I may be older than Nick, but I have certainly been there too, and I could label that experience as everything, except for boring.

To discover what in reality you want, or desire, is the hardest thing to do of all. I discovered, thanks to Heartstopper, that being straight was a long time ago feeling. I look back at myself and thought "geez, I really was hiding, blinded by my own head." There's this light, shining so bright but is still inside you, which makes it so difficult to see it, but not as hard as to turning it off. When you feel that something might be changing, even if it's wrong or right, you just can't let go of that feeling or ignore it for much time. Is your heart, telling you to take care of your own personal business before anyone else.

I've been having depression episodes plus anxiety that never leaves me alone, but to feel attracted towards people who were not cis male, made me feel terrified. I still am scared. "What would she say? What would he think?," thoughts like these can make your life so frustrating, but it was at this moment that the positive character of Nick Nelson came into my life. And I couldn't have found myself if it wasn't from the point of view Nick: a confusing landscape filled with the certainty of love.

I'm sure that Heartstopper has changed many lives out there, with uncountable reasons of why is a much loved show/YA fiction. However, I wanted to share my experience a bit with it.