Finding myself

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I want to go on a journey to find myself I want to learn things about myself like: how much pain can I cause myself before I pass, how much blood do I need to lose before i die, how many ways are there to kill myself, where can I cause the most pain, how many meals do i need to skip before my mom realizes and that shit. Unfortunately I can't exactly do that since like all other self discovery journeys it means you need time which I don't have

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