Always

Whats left of my dignity

Harry:

I walk back to my room with a serious limp. I can feel him dripping from inside me. I don't bother with birth control. I don't see a point. I'm infertile and I have not been able to conceive no matter the method. It's a good thing Poppy came to get me during the summer. I can walk freely. Especially with a limp around the castle. I sigh once more and stop walking. I recognize where I am. I'm in front of my old head of house's office. I unconsciously walked here. If so then my gut must want me here. I knock on the door and wait for the answer. Mcgonagall opens the door with a slightly surprised expression. I sigh as I walk in. "I know your surprised professor. Because I am too. But something told me I needed to be here."

She raises her eyebrows at me out of suspicion. "Well Mr.Potter. I'm sorry I mean Black. If you need help with your limp Poppy has not left yet. And you are a healer yourself. Much to everyone's surprise." I blush and fiddle with my fingers. I guess that is what I needed to talk to her about. "No ma'am. That is not what I am here for. You see professor." She holds her hand up stopping me. "My name would be Minerva. As you name would be Harry. But continue." I nod agreeing with her.

"You see Minerva. I am in love with this man. And I have been for a long time now. And we don't have a good history together. And I let him take advantage of me sexually. Hoping that maybe I could put my feelings and his attraction out of the window. It seemed he just wanted my body. And I gave it to him." I slow down as I start to cry. "And it hurts me that whatever that was won't become more. I don't want to have affairs my whole life you know? I want to settle down and have kids.

But if anything I hate myself more because of what I let happen. And how I let myself feel. And I don't know what to do. I see him everyday at work. And it makes my chest tight and my heart sore to know he isn't mine." She looks at me for a second before handing me a box of tissues. "Well Harry. I cannot say I have good advice. Because I most likely don't. But I feel as though you needed closure. And that is what made you take the actions you took. And it's killing you inside out.

Now it is no fun feeling to be in love dear. It hurts. A lot. But you learn to move how it wants to move. You still have a chance to get married and have kids." I stop her there interrupting her. "I don't have a chance to have kids. And even if I get married I won't be as pure. I saved myself because I wanted my partner to know that I am all theirs. That nobody had a part of me. Only them. And I gave it to that man. Willingly. And I am unable to forgive myself knowing that I will never be able to give that to them. Give them all of me. Mind, body and soul. And I can't have kids because I'm in-." I stop there as the door banged open and Snape strode through without knocking.

I grab a tissue and finish wiping my tears before bidding my old professors goodnight. As I walk through the door I can feel them both looking at me walk away. I can only think. How much did he hear? Little did Harry and Minerva know. He heard everything. The next day was my 24th birthday. After the talk in the teachers lounge I was pulled aside by mcgonagall. She asked me that when I was free I could be the new flying coach and quidditch referee. Madam Hooch had retired as well. And I agreed. I have some time to go flying. And enjoy myself. Plus it would help a lot that I would be the current healer as well. I can't wait to tell Draco the good news. Hermione and Ron have not been around much. Doesn't answer my owls either so I stopped trying.

Draco was recently hired as the new potions teacher. And Snape will be taking the DADA classes. I guess it's his dream come true. I chuckle. Draco is going to kick my arse when he finds out. Draco will come here when the students arrive. So he will see me that afternoon in the great hall. He is going to kick my arse even harder because of what I had just did. He knows my beliefs and he knows why I have them. And he is going to kill me. I sigh again. Before bursting out in laughter. "What are you laughing this obnoxiously about in the hallways Black?" I turn around quickly meeting the eyes of Severus Snape. "Nothing Mr.Snape. I am just heading to my chambers." I turn around just as quickly and walk away as fast as possible with a limp.

I make it to my chambers and wish for the best on September 7th. I am sitting in the great hall early anxiously awaiting the students arrival. I had successfully avoided Severus until today. Now I have to face him. He sweeps into the great hall and takes his seat beside me. "Avoiding me Healer Black?" I sit there and don't say a word trying to pretend I cannot hear him. I hear the great hall doors open once more but ignore it looking down at my hands. I ignore it until I hear "Harry James Black you are in so much trouble young man!" I look up quickly to see my silver haired best mate glaring at my from the table tapping his foot. I fly out of my chair and run into his arms. Temporarily forgetting about Snapes presence.

"Draco you're here! I wanted to surprise you. Remember when I told you Poppy was at my house? This is why? Please don't be mad." Draco huffs but smiles. "You don't have to pull out the puppy eyes. You have my approval. And I do hope Minerva lets us have combined chambers. I have so much to tell you! And I am so proud of you Harry!" He grabs my waist and swings me around surprising me causing me to squeal. "Put me down you oaf! Just because your taller than me and more stronger does not mean you can swing me like a rag doll!" Draco laughs. "I would not be your best friend if I didn't harass you every now and then."

I humph and walk away back to the teachers table. "By the way I'm loving those pants. Your arse looks amazing! See I was right when I bought you those trousers." I glare at him. "You know a thank you could be welcome!" I laugh and walk my way back to... damnit. Severus. As the students file in the great hall all of their eyes turn to me. As they see my green robes and me at the teachers table they all gasp. I wave at everyone and they all smile back and wave. It has been awhile. But it feels good to be home. After the sorting and the speech food appeared. I turned my head to Draco and he is smirking at me. And he mouths later. I'm so going to be interrogated.

I feel Severus's hand travel up my thigh and I turn red and brush his hand off. He places his hand there but gripping it so I can't remove his hand from my thigh. I sigh and pretend to not acknowledge his body touching mine. And by doing that I launch into a conversation with vigor. After pulling the puppy eyes with mcgonagall me and Draco were able to get combined chambers. The first thing that has went right since I got here.

"YOU DID WHAT BLACK!?!?" I am currently sitting in our chamber living area being cursed out my the one and only Draco Malfoy. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!??! HAVE YOU GONE DAFT? YOU KNOW SEVERUS FEELS NOTHING BUT HATE TOWARDS YOU? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF HARRY??!!!" He only stops yelling once I start crying again. He sighs and sits down his teacup before trying to comfort me. "I'm sorry I yelled Harry. But Merlin. You broke your own morals behind this man. Do you think this was really worth it?" I just sit and cry until I fall asleep in Draco's arms. What a mess.

It has been two months since I broke down in Draco's arms. I avoided Severus any chance I got. I was not ready to give into anything involving him. Since classes are only on the weekdays I decided to go for a fly. I grabbed my fire bolt and headed outside. I kicked off and let the stress melt away from me. With my green robes in the wind I did tricks and flips to my hearts content. Times like these I miss my friends. But also in times like these I appreciate Draco. He has been my rock since the war ended. And I will be forever grateful.

I finally fly down to the ground to find Severus waiting for me at the entrance to the locker room. "You can't keep doing this Black." I ignore him and go to grab my things to head back up to my chambers. I was going to shower here for old times sake. But now that he is here I refuse. He grabs my arm as I leave and the last string holding me together snaps and I start yelling. "SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM ME! YOU DON'T HAVE A RIGHT TO TOUCH ME! YOU CANT KEEP DOING THIS SNAPE! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I ALREADY GAVE YOU MY BODY! SO STOP WITH THIS INFATUATION AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" I stomp away leaving behind a very shocked Severus Snape and what was left of my dignity.