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Prologue

Growing up in a small town in North Carolina, Brittani, who also went by Bri, always had issues with fitting in with her surrounding peers. From weight issues, Insecurities, racial discrimination, and even family dysfunctions, Bri finds that her life has always been in a turmoil from the very start. As a child her mother abandoned her and her older sister, due to feeling as if she was destined to do more than being just a mother. That was the beginning of Brittani's downhill spiral. Around seven years old, Her mother would visit her and her and sister, Who was twelve at the time , and would sometimes bring them home for the weekend. On many visits to her mom's, Bri was always introduced to a different man. One who eventually took a liking to Bri and would often sexually molest her when he was left to babysit while her mother was working the night shift.  

This was one of Bri's many secrets that she never told anyone because she never felt comfortable enough to talk about these things. It's one of those things that she tried not to let traumatize her but often hindered her relationship with her stepfather later on in life. He was one of the only people who cared about Bri and cared about her mothers well being even though her mom took him for granted. It took years for their relationship to become parallel but once it did, it was one of the many things Bri struggled to hold on to. Over the years her relationship with her older sister, Kaley, was strained. Even with Kaley moving Bri in with her, their relationship continued at a love and hate pace, with most of the love and admiration being one sided for Bri. It seemed as though she was a space filler and babysitter for her nephew while her sister tried to live her life.

Even her nephew disrespected her , leaving her feeling underappreciated and disposable. In middle school  Bri tied to find ways to fit in, being the class clown that seemed to be the only thing that stuck which still was good enough. Her friends were more so associates who didn't care to talk and hang out with Bri outside of school. Guys teased her, Girls laughed behind her back and yet Bri had no one to talk to about the struggles she faced. She tried so hard with her grades but even her teachers treated her as if she was the problem.

Middle school was done and Bri decided to trick her mom into homeschool which she did for a year. In that year, Bri lost contact with everyone and everything and immersed herself into a world of darkness and void. She had forgotten how to be social, she liked the hope and outgoing feelings she once thought she had. All of the troubles she faced growing up , personal and social, began to creep into her mind leaving her with constant thoughts of worthlessness . She questioned everything in her past and future and began to isolate herself from the world. She gave up trying and once she got to high school she was no longer everyone's class clown. She was the girl who barely talked, who sat at lunch alone and had no friends. 

Never been to a party, never had a boyfriend, She was the girl who stopped trying. 2018, Her senior year and she was struggling with her 2.0 average and gave up on getting into a good college. It was January, a couple weeks before her birthday and her sister has just passed from Lupus. She felt her world crashing in because she loved her sister so much even though it was barely reciprocated. Her never was given to foster care and only a few months later did her mom also pass from breast cancer. Bri felt numb and alone and couldn't figure out why the people in her life were leaving. Her grandmother passed the following year, leaving Bri to leave house to house before settling into a student apartment which she struggled to pay. 

Four years later , in 2023, Bri is a 22 year old girl who has been struggling with college since 2019, still stuck as a sophomore, all while working a call center job at night, fulltime. She has not one friend, and the only communication she has with people are through virtual games online and one cousin who lives a few hours away. She struggles with bulimia, depression and anxiety, and seems to switch therapists every few months. Nothing seems to help, everything seems pointless in her life and she constantly questions her purpose and existence. Despite the things she endured as a child, Bri thought her twenties would be better, that she would enjoy them, seems as though nothings changed for the better after all. Bri is determined that before 2024 approaches she will do her best to find herself and leave the self pity behind her....

Authors Note: Hello everyone and thank you for getting this far, I don't know how often I will update but I will try to be consistent with this story. I just want to everyone to know that this story will be loosely based on my life so I plan on being as raw and open within this book as possible. I am hoping that who ever reads this, that you can relate and that if gives you some hope and encourage. I am open to all criticism about the plot, my writing, and whatever else you feel I can improve on! Thank you again and please remember you are loved!