Goodbye Astarion [Astarion X NB Tav]

Part 6

"Tav?" Wyll broke the silence first. "Are you alright?" They sat beside one another on a log past the tree line so far from the light of the party that all Tav could see was the reflection of the moon on his dark eyes.

What could Tav answer? I think I'm losing my mind. Thanks for asking! Or how about, Oh you know, just thinking about the time I helped kill a helpless tiefling just for Astarion to bring them back as a spawn and now I have to see them every day in my own home.

The weight of the unsaid words push Tav into an exhausted slouch. "I'm going to be." They sigh and rub their palms on their pants. "I'm so sorry for ruining the party. Astarion was right. I should have skipped the wine."

Tav mentally counts the glasses they'd had. A glass with Minsc, another that they only had a few sips of before throwing into the sea, and one with Gale and Shadowheart. "My tolerance must have gone down." Tav shakes their head.

"Happens to the best of us... but that's not what I was talking about." Tav can feel him shuffling next to them. Fallen leaves crunch under his feet as he readjusts his posture. The night feels oppressive but it's a relief to not be directly observed for the time being. "Tav... Karlach and I are worried about you." So Jaheira was talking about Wyll and Karlach at the beach. "And tonight you've been-"

"I know." Tav cuts him off. They feel like they are sinking into liquid shame. The shadowy trees surrounding them seem close in as if they too feel the weight on Tav's soul. "I know I've been... crazy."

"That's not what I was going to say either." Wyll reasures quickly, his voice laced with concern and understanding. For a moment they sit quietly. Everytime Tav blinks they see her, Kyus, crawling away. Tav can see the way her eyes rolled and feel her body spasming against theirs. Tav grips the log beneath them and digs their fingernails in, pulling at the splintering wood until it hurts and the visions fade back into the darkness.

"Karlach said something about soldiers that can't forget the battlefield, is that what's happening to you?"

"I don't know, Wyll. I was never like the rest of you. You all were heroes and adventures before the tadpole; I was just a healer's secretary." Tav shrugs and sighs."I saw a lot of death, but it was never my fault, and the killer was most often a fever or drowning." Tav smooths their hair only to grimace at the wood splinters that fall from their palm to their face.

"No. I mean, sometimes I have nightmares, real as life, about what happened in Reithwin when I got separated from the group. Getting lost in the shadow curse." Tav pauses remembering the choking, suffocating weight of the Shar's curse. "But, it's not all the time, and I almost never think about any of the fights we got into. There were so many I became numb to them after a while."

"I had thought perhaps this is why no one has managed to contact you. That you'd become so consumed by our adventures that you were choosing to isolate yourself." Wyll's voice carries a hint of hurt, though he's trying to conceal it.

"Not that I would hold that against you of course. However such matters are easier to handle with friends than alone. Since that's not the case though, can you tell me what is wrong? We- Karlach and I, we're your friends and we stand by you." Tav can't hear the crickets or the music from the party. It's as though the night itself is listening for their answer.

Tav looks into the points of light that reflect off Wyll's eyes. "I-I can't." Tav feels like they might cry again if they aren't careful. Their voice is vulnerable and they try to hold it steady. "It's complicated, Wyll, and if I told you the truth..." Tav is rocking slightly and takes a steadying breath. "you wouldn't be so quick to call me a friend."

"Nonsense. Tav, whatev-" Wyll begins, but he stops suddenly, his head turning sharply in the direction of the party and Tav can hear what distracts him. The sound of shouting carries clearly from the direction of camp and they both leap to their feet. A deafening bang splits the night like thunder and without hesitation Tav and Wyll break into a sprint.