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CHAPTER FIVE HOW TO DISAPPEAR
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Alaska doesn't like to cry. She knows that she should. It's good to cry. It's good to let everything out, to show that you're human. Sybil always told her that it was a sign of weakness. 'The strongest creatures don't cry, they take the hit and move on,' she'd say. And those words have always remained, echoing across the deepest depths of Alaska's brain, telling her that perhaps she isn't as strong as she thinks she is.
She's never cried this much for somebody. At least, she doesn't think so. Alaska wonders why Joel's death hit her ten times harder than anything else she's ever experienced. Maybe she's gotten too comfortable with the safety of Jackson. Maybe she let her guard down.
Alaska lets out a dragged breath. There's an empty feeling in her stomach that feels heavy. Her feet defy her as they approach the front of Ellie's garage. She's lost count of how many times she's contemplated knocking on the door. She can't help this deep-rooted belief that Ellie would rather see anyone in the world but her.
Alaska takes a step forward, fidgeting with the ring on her thumb. She stays there. She stares at the worn wood of the door. Her breath shakes with hesitance. Then, with whatever willpower she can muster up, Alaska knocks on the door. But as she does, the feeling of intense regret fills her up. She gets the urge to run away.
To run from everything; just as she's done times before.
She feels conflicted. She wants to see Ellie— of course she does— but at the same time, she believes herself to be the last person that Ellie would want to speak to right now. She feels out of place, almost. Maybe she shouldn't be here.
Yet, as the front door slowly creaks open, that belief withers down. Any and every irrational idea that Alaska might've created vanishes into thin air. She sees Ellie's torn look and her tear-stained cheeks, and all she wants to do is comfort her. Physically, verbally, it doesn't matter.
But she can't.
Inside, Alaska knows that she can't take a step towards the girl in front of her because something is still in the way. The walls they had build around each other, against each other, were still high as ever. And even though Ellie was willing to forgive her, even though that short moment during patrol had felt so peculiarly familiar, Alaska knows that it could never be the same.
