This is something raw that I wrote without looking back or thinking about it.. it just flowed out..
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm alone. I have friends and things but other than that.. I'm still alone at the end of the day. I hate how during the day I have to hold up a fake smile and fake happiness because I don't want anyone to worry.
When its night time I let the fakeness go and the river flow. I curl up and let the nightmares take over.
I hate it when people worry about me. I truly hate myself. When I look it the mirror and see my bones poking at my shin I think ugly. When I see the scars across my arms I feel guilty and weak. I hate when people say that I'm strong. You haven't seen me behind closed doors when my fakeness is gone.
I wish I weren't so weak and depressed. I wish I weren't so scared. I wish that I could go a day without returning anyones messages and let them know that I'm okay. I wish that I had a father and a mother who loved. I wish that my brother didn't hate me. I wish Skylar was here. He is the only one who knows how to take my pain and fear and shame away.
Dear Skylar,
Are you happy? I hope you are.. Do you regret it? or know how much pain you caused..? Do you remember when we stood ontop of your roof and screamed out out fears? I do.. and in that moment I thought that this is the day that I want to die with you and I'll be in complete bliss. Do you remember when you use to make silly face with Todo? And when you fed him because I would always forget? I think that he secretly liked you.
Do you remember that day when we went to the park with ice cream and you stuck the cone to your head and called yourself a unicorn? I laughed so hard that I almost died that day.
I miss you... when you left I wanted to blame someone.. I wanted to hutt someone. But the one that was to blame and the one that was to hurt was me.... I knew what love was even if I hadn't ever experienced it I knew.. I want to yell and scream at you for leaving me. You were hurt... but I was too.. I wasn't the one who walked away it was you .. amd its my fault for letting you go...
I hate how selfish I am. Im very clingy.. and anxiety is my best friend. Anorexia is my soul mate. Shame is my drug amd fakeness is my thrill...
I love when it rains at night... it shields my tears and swallows my crys.
I get hurt a lot but I never show and tell. Simple things that others say and don't mean stab at me constantly. I suck at living as much as I suck at dying.
I want to rip my heart out and shove it in his face and say look at how hurt it is and how fast it's beating! Look at my eyes and see how swollen they are and red from crying. Look and see how bad I'm trying...
My hands, they're shaking and my heart is breaking.. I need you here... I need you here...
