To you:
You've always been there and you've always loved me and cared. Growing up I never had any of that. beeing told that your worthless and no one will ever care for you does some damage. I wish that I didn't hurt or argue with you everytime we talk but I do. It hurt me too.. Something inside me kicks in and those memories and words lock thereselves in and that's all I think.
You've given alot of time, trying to save me from myself and I've done nothing but push you away. I thought you'd be happy if you didn't have to worry about me, but your not. I'm selfish, fact. I should grow up and let the past stay in the past but its not easy when your not trying..
I tried to runaway from my past but that only made it worst. Past caught up and hurt me and the people who care. I am an idiot for thinking that this will make you happy. You were happy when I was okay. I hurt you hurt. I care for you and Kimi and a lot of other people. You were always right. Truth is that I was jealous of you. You have a family, lots of friends, and you were all around the best package and I always wondered why me. Why someone who's so broken, hurtful, and all around selfish? Why would someone so full of life pick someone so empty, I just never knew.
So I doubted your love. I doubted you caring, your trust, everything so that I would at least feel as if I had an answer to your question but I never got it. You always see straight through me and I have no idea how but you always seem to pop up when I'm on the verge of death.
I'm sorry. It always clicked that you loved me and cared. It never clicked that I could accept it. I never want you to leave. I never want you too stop caring no matter what I may say in the future. You're the closest thing that I have to a real family and I never want to loose you. I just hope that you haven't given up yet..
You know how they say that you never know what you had until its gone, you almost left. That scared the life out of me. This is another one of my sorry's and I hope that its the last for this reason. I wanted you to live your life, but you already were.. Just took me a while to realize it. I was and am wrong for everything I said. I never knew I was hurting you so much...
This is probably the last chance you'll ever give me and I'm taking it. I love you. You may doubt me and think that I'm just saying this, but I do, I always have. I'll never forget those nights were you stayed up with me until you knew I was safe. I want you in my life as close as I can have you. I want you there and I want to be there for you too.
Please just read this and make your choice because its not just mines to make. You've been through more and put up with my sh*t because you care. You have a choice, I've made mine.
I never want to let or make you go.
