NO ONE FOR ME BUT YOU

9) FEELINGS

Theodore

It was the next day and the Halloween party was still on my mind. I couldn't get the kiss I shared with Brooke out my mind it was like nothing I've done before. I've kissed other girls and plenty of them at that but nothing like the way I kissed Brooke.

There was passion,affection and a feeling I've never felt before. The way her hands felt in my hair, her lips against mine,our bodies close. I wanted it,I wanted that feeling again with her and I have a feeling this image won't leave my mind,the feeling of her hands on me won't leave until I really felt it again.

But then the image after we kiss settled in when we snapped back into reality where we weren't alone but in fact In the middle of a dance floor surrounded by drunk underage teenage girls grinding on boys.

The look of regret plastered all over her face,visible to the world,and the immense look of shear uncomfortability she had made my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. I didn't regret that kiss one bit but the look that she gave me questioned everything and when she denied a safe ride with me and squashed herself in an overcrowded car full of boys to get home confirmed all the emotions running through my body.

I wanted brooke to be mine:
I wanted to commit for her
I wanted to change my morals for her
I wanted to wake up and go to sleep with her
I wanted to kiss her
I wanted to hold her
I wanted to protect her
I wanted to learn for her.

But was I able to give her what she wanted? Am I capable of loving her? Is she capable of loving me? What is love? How do you love? Did she even want me? Why did she regret our kiss? What did I do wrong?

"Bro you good you look out of it."
Pinching the bridge of my nose I sigh before nodding at laikon. "im good man just tired I went to a party last night so didn't get much sleep." it wasn't a full lie I did go to a party and I didn't get much sleep but the party wasn't the reason for the lack of sleep. "damn someone's change partying all night and without me aswell damn."

"dont worry I booked a last minute flight to London for tomorrow so wr can party together soon." you may be thinking why the fuck did he do that?

Because I don't like the way im feeling. Being kept up worrying about a kiss with a girl isn't me. I need Time away from this place I need to go home to my dad and to my best friend and time away to think. To regain the right consciousness and get some distance away from her. She regretted that kiss last night and that broke me and it shouldn't have.

"no way your coming back to London! For how long?"
I bite my lip. "3 weeks maybe a month I haven't got a set return date yet." he smiles laughing a bit. "damn what made you do that? What about college and work?"

"i just need time away from America man it's not my place here I've been here for 6 months with no break man I need my home innit. I can always do college work from abroad and I haven't used any of my leaves for work so 3 weeks ain't gonna hurt."

"want me to meet you at the airport once you land or are you gonna come see me." I run a hand through my hair "it's up to you man I land in London a 8pm" he nods. "you good bro you look stressed out."
I shake my head. "nah I'm Calm ill text you in a bit."
"say no more."

He hangs up the phone and I run a hand down my face opening the chat between me and Brooke but of course she hasn't replied I asked a her if she's OK and if she got home safely to call me in the morning but she left me on read.

"you alright son." turning my head towards the door I face my step dad. "yeah I'm good?why? " he shakes his head indicating that It doesn't matter. "you leaving tomorrow?" I turn away from him nodding my head "you need a ride to the airport."

"no my flights at 2:35 in the morning so I'm leaving here at 1:50 so I don't want to wake you... And I'm taking my car to London with me so there's no point." he nods fidgeting awkwardly with his fingers. "are you all packed" I shrug my shoulders. "im not really taking anything I have all my own clothes and stuff back home so im not taking luggage maybe just a few things I wear often and some caps."

"cool well I'm going out so I won't see you until after you come back so have a safe flight alright." i nod. "thank you" he clicks his fingers awkwardly before leave. Turning my phone off I turn to my side.

I huff and puff in annoyance I fucking hate being in my own head and I hate have fucking unknown feelings that I can't control. Going into my my draws I pull out a perfectly rolled blunt. I get out of bed stepping into a pair of my sweats and stashing the blunt in the pocket.

I go downstairs and for once seeing all my brother except jax cuddled up with their girlfriends in one big group watching a movie made me pissed off annoyed angry and almost jealous. almost.

"get a shirt on weirdo" summer masons girlfriend playfully says giving me a disgusted look and layla laughs rubbing her round stomach. She 7 months pregnant now with Kyle's baby girl. Crazy how that fucking idiot can procreate.

"stop lucking paedo." a smile grows on her face as she giggles at me she's always trying to wind me up and right now shes getting under my skin. Grabbing my zip up from the door I slide it on along with my sliders. "is it true you leaving tomorrow morning" Hailey who is hadens girlfriend asks. I like her the most and that's only because she rarely around due to school. My ma walks in a cup of what looks like coffee in hand

"yep I'm leaving here around 2am." she shake her head. "why so soon college isnt out for Christmas for another month and a half." running my hand through my hair I hide my frizzy hair with a backwards cap. My hair is gone frizzy, ecstatic and crazy from the amount of time I've ran my hands through it and to be quite honest I look freshly shagged.

"I just want to get out of here clear my head be around my people really." my mum frowns. "you are around your people love, you've got me, your brothers and you've got your step dad"

I shake my head I don't want to sound like an asshole but I also don't want to like to her. "no I'm not with my people. yes you guys are my relatives and for that I care about you, but you guys aren't my people... I have no one here." that was a lie I had Brooke but I don't want to think about her at all.

"back home I have my dad and I have jayla and laikon. they are my people I grew up around them. I was influenced by them and raised by them. laikon is my best friend and has been since we were 3 and 4 and I've known jayla since I was 11 damn that girl was even my first kiss man... those are my people. I just need to be with them right now."

I could see in my mums eyes she was upset and she wishes she could have done more to be in my life when I was a baby and I don't blame her. She was freshly widowed and was looking for some way to relieve her pain and she found my dad who was freshly divorced they didn't need another child in their arms when they were both in a stage of sadness and were just looking for a quick friend to call but they did. My dad was moving back to London and my mum already had her hands full with my brothers and being a single mum to 4 young boys was gonna be new and hard for her so if was easier and better for me to go with my dad to have a better environment and where raising a baby was cheaper and had free health care which came in handy with the amount of times I broke a bone before i was 14.

Mason was 8
Kyle was 6
Haden was 3
And jaxon was 2 when their fathers died and a year older when I was born.

They were sad and didn't grasp why their dad was gone. their dad was like there superman and was the best father any boy could ask for so it's was hard for them especially mason and Kyle and that's why I never blamed any of them for the reason I had to grow up as an only child in London. Mason and Kyle started rebelling once they realised their father was never coming back and made it 10x harder for mum who had to raise 2 toddlers and 2 rebelling kids whilst also being pregnant and mourning the loss of her husband.

Not saying a word to my mother I step outside and furthest away from the doors and any windows before I light up. My parent don't know I smoke weed at all but I think my brothers are curious.