Lonely Moonlight (Ryden)

Chapter 3: Unrequited Love

"The sun went down

Over my head

Another day I lost

Filled with regret"

I think we should break up.

That one text was like the beginning of the end for Ryan. He had just lost the love of his life, the person he swore to marry, his soulmate. The one he called his Sun because of the warmth and happiness he brought to Ryan and the only person Ryan had ever felt truly loved by. The one person he ever truly loved.

Ryan could kick himself over and over for all of the things he did and said that night. All of the things he could've done differently. The decisions he made without any thought. That stupid pill, the words he spilled out that he never meant. He couldn't help but think that maybe if he had changed anything, just stayed sober, or even just reminded Brendon that he loved him that night, he could have possibly changed the outcome. That maybe he would still be deserving of Brendon's love.

Ryan felt as though his heart had been brutally stabbed, each shard of shattered love piercing him with agonizing pain. The pain was visceral, a relentless ache that consumed him from within. The symbolism was hauntingly vivid: the loss, the searing agony of a heart torn asunder, leaving Ryan to confront the devastating emptiness that now echoed within him.

He texted Brendon, he came by his house, offered a million apologies, he and Brendon had more sobbing arguments on trying to make things work again, but the damage was already done. Brendon swore that he would never stop loving Ryan, and that they just needed some time apart. That they could try again in the future some day but Ryan knew it would never be the same. He knew that irreparable damage had been done to the two of them. Ryan tried to live with it, tried to look at it as if it was for the better, but he honestly could not think of a situation where this would ever be a good thing. Part of him wishes that Brendon was going through the same right now. He wished that he was also heart broke worse than ever before, not over selfishness or jealousy, but because he just needed to know if Brendon was affected from this like he was, he wanted to know if not being with the person that he loved physically pained him as much as it did Ryan.

Ryan and Jon ended up leaving Panic! At the Disco. The story that the press received was that the group separated due to creative differences. And while that might have been true about Jon leaving, Ryan felt like he had to leave. He couldn't look Brendon in his eyes without feeling sick to his stomach. And even though Spencer assured Ryan that Brendon wasn't taking the break up easily either, it was like another jab to the heart every time he saw Brendon singing and dancing like nothing ever happened.

Most nights Ryan cried himself to sleep. It seemed to never get better. The days were spent cold and alone, still trying to release music with his new band The Young Veins but never being able to take his mind off of Brendon.

Ryan stood away from parties for a long time, and it wasn't until he was touring his new album with Jon that he decided to experiment with drugs again. He still felt guilty about the drug use but this time he wasn't using the drugs for the rush or his own pleasure, instead it was just to numb the pain of his aching heart. The same thing that tore them apart is what Ryan needed to keep himself together.

Ryan's heartbreak became a cavernous void, a chasm he sought to fill with anything that promised temporary relief. In a desperate bid to escape the suffocating weight of his emotions, he turned to ecstasy. The pills became his misguided attempt to control his pain within, to drown out the echoes of Brendon's departure with a haze of artificial bliss. Each pill was a bittersweet escape, a temporary reprieve from the relentless torment of his shattered heart. Yet, with each high came the sobering realization that no amount of ecstasy could mend what had been irreparably broken. Instead, it served as a somber reminder of the depth of his pain, a stark testament to the lengths he would go to escape the agony of his loss.

The interviews and pictures of Brendon weren't any better. The countless videos that Ryan couldn't tear his eyes away from, the videos of Brendon laughing and smiling like his life was perfect. Like he never needed Ryan. How the world kept on spinning perfectly without Ryan in it. That distraught Ryan more than ever, the fact that none of this still mattered to Brendon as it did Ryan.

When the harsh reality set in, the days where he couldn't do anything but rot away it seemed, the silver blade against old scars was the only thing that ever seemed to get him out of his head, the only thing that could ever subdue his pain. The red running down his arm, it was something that he hated looking at, feeling weak that he would ever come to this, but also something he loved, the red as a reminder of what he thought he deserves. He would rather inflict pain on himself than have to deal with the pain of losing Brendon.

Ryan couldn't date anyone else. He had some stupid hookups with random girls while high, but he could never have anything serious with anyone else. Especially not while sober. But even while intoxicated, he couldn't ever try anything with another boy. It reminded him too much of Brendon. Every kiss or touch was like another stab. Every reminder of their love felt like a cruel twist of the knife, reopening wounds that refused to heal. A reminder of what he could have still had.

It wasn't until about 2012 that Ryan felt happier than he had in a while. He had begun texting someone who he thought was Brendon, someone who told him they were Brendon. A lively and loving person, just like Brendon had always been. They talked for months, although Ryan never brought up their old past, just trying to at least repair his friendship with the person he missed so direly. They talked about anything and everything, Ryan opening up to him and just being happy to be his friend again.

He was happy until the day he found out about Chelsey Lynn.

The girl who he had been texting all of these months. The girl who was claiming to be Brendon. This sent Ryan into a full circle. Right back into how he used to be, except this time worse. The open wound that Brendon left hurt already, but after he spent months thinking that they were okay again, when Brendon never sent him a single text, that's what pained Ryan the most. Chelsey Lynn was the salt in the wound, and Ryan couldn't take it.

And as if his life wasn't worse enough already, this was the time that he saw the news. Brendon was getting married to a girl named Sarah. Ryan will never forget how hard he sobbed that night, his whole body wracked with tears as all he could do was huddle into a ball and wish to disappear. He knew Sarah was probably amazing for Brendon, the way he smiled and laughed at her. And it made Ryan all the more envious. He couldn't blame her for any of this but the jealousy sickened Ryan like a plague whenever he saw the two together. He wasn't sure why, but part of him wished that he would get a wedding invitation, although he didn't think he could stomach having to see the two promise to spend the rest of their lives together, he still wished that there was still a small amount of care for Ryan in Brendon. But that day never came.

"Someone I love

Loves someone else

Another day I lost

All by myself"