adopted by Billie eilish

notebook

⚠️SH⚠️ ⚠️ Mentions of suicide⚠️

*billies pov"
I woke up and i decided to ask y/n about those lyrics she had written a few nights ago. I'm concerned for her, she hasn't been her bubbly self lately and i wanna make sure everything is okay.

I make my way to her room, holding her notebook in my hand.

I hear her humming in her room peacefully. I knock on her door and she tells me to come in. She sees her notebook in my hand and a look of worry washes over her face.

B "hey can i talk to you about something?" I say.
Y "uhm sure, what do you wanna talk about?" She says sitting on her bed. I sit next to her.
B "so i saw what you had drawn and written in your book, and i just wanted to see if you were ok"

Y/n just looks at me with a look of worry and confusion.
I pull her in for a hug and she hugs back.

B "you're not.. thinking about committing are you?"
Y "i- don't know" i hear her voice crack.
B "you know, i know exactly how you feel. You may feel alone right now but there are over 8 billion people in this world and you're definitely not alone. It's not worth it baby, i love you so much and I'm gonna continue loving you so much."

Y/n is now sobbing in my shoulder crying and i hold her resting my chin on her head. I feel her tears on my shirt as she holds me tighter. She doesn't let go for what feels like an eternity.

*Time speed*

*Y/n pov*

I'm sitting in my room and i can hear Billie talking to finneas in her room next door. I find myself overwhelmed with emotions.

I grab my blade from my shoe box and i head to the bathroom. I start tearing up knowing how much i needed Billie right now. I start slashing at my wrists hoping to find some sort of release. But it just filled me with more desperation. I cut until I can't cut no more. I look at the pool of blood surrounding my arms. I dab my arms with a cloth. I head out the bathroom as if nothing ever happened.

I hear Billie still talking to finneas on the phone laughing still which meant I had successfully shown no signs of harm.

I hear her say bye to finneas and head to the bathroom. Well guess what my dumb ass forgot to do?! Clean up the fucking pool of blood on the floor! I'm screwed.

I drew on my notebook hoping she hadn't seen it. I hear her come out of the bathroom, and I hear footsteps coming towards my door. Yep she found out. She just walks in without knocking on my door and sits on my bed. Looking at me with concern. I don't look at her and just continue drawing in my notebook.

B "we need to talk." She says in one breath.
Y "yes?" I say acting clueless
B "come to my room first"

We go through to her room and she sits down and pats the spot next to her signaling for me to sit down.

B "I saw the blood on the bathroom floor. wanna explain what happened?"
Y "oh- uhm I'm on my period and I must've forgotten to clean it up." She looks at me with a 'really?' look.
B "baby, you're not due for another two weeks, what really happened?"
Y "just told you" I say not making eye contact.
B "can I see your arms?"
I shake my head no.
B "listen baby I won't be upset with you if you have relapsed again"
Y "I promise I've not hurt myself"
B "then why won't you show me your arms?"

I don't say anything I just fidget with the ring on my finger. I feel her pull up my sleeve revealing all my cuts fresh and old. I quickly pulled my sleeves down again but it was too late. She had already seen it.

B "I thought you said you hadn't cut again" she says.
Y "Billie please I was just sad l-"
B "please let me lift up your sleeve so I can get a proper look at them" I slowly lift up my sleeve hoping she wouldn't see how bad they really were. But by the expression on her face I knew she knew it was bad.

B "can I please clean them up?"
Y "fine" I say mumbling, holding back my tears.

Billie notices and holds my hand.

B "let it out baby" and with that I start sobbing uncontrollably. I just can't stop fucking crying today for some reason.

She clears up all my cuts and looks up at me.

B "you're so gorgeous you know"

And then she sits next to me again and hugs me, rubbing circles on my back. We lay down in bed and eventually fell asleep.

(Damn that was depressing. I kinda got a bit lazy at the end but oh well. I'm also 3 weeks clean for sh today 🥳 anyways drink water or I'll steal your eyebrows xx😊)