Blood on the Altar (HuaLian TGCF)

Chapter 11

San Lang stiffens at the sound of the name, and yes, Xie Lian can tell by the shock in his eye and the sudden catching of his breath that, it /is/ a name to him.

A name that was once his.

Xie Lian's whole body is shaking now, not just his fingers and he can feel tears pricking at his eyes.

"It is you, isn't it?"

San Lang takes a shuddering breath, one Xie Lian is sure he doesn't need, and nods, the movement stiff with his sudden tension. "How did you know?" His voice is hoarse and the god isn't sure if it's fear or hope he sees in the ghost king's eye.

Xie Lian's breath catches in something that's suddenly half way to being a sob.

"I... I called for you in my dream. You answered and then I woke up and you were still here and I... How are you here? I watched you die. I watched you torn apart. I..." Xie Lian's words cut off in a sob and he leans forward impulsively, throwing his arms around the ghost king and burying his head against his shoulder.

San Lang's shoulders stiffen in shock at the embrace but it only lasts a moment before his arms are around Xie Lian, holding him every bit as tightly.

"Your highness... I got better. I wasn't done so I came back."

"I'm sorry." Xie Lian sobs the words into San Lang's shoulder, his guilt over how he's been acting toward his host and rescuer mixing with his centuries old grief over how he treated Wu Ming. "I'm sorry I got you killed. I'm sorry I was so awful to you. I'm sorry I was so cruel and dismissive. I'm sorry for comparing you to White No Face. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm..."

San Lang's arms tighten around him briefly, and then slowly, as though not sure how to do it properly, he begins rubbing Xie Lian's back. "Your highness, please don't apologize. You haven't done anything wrong." There's an odd note in San Lang's voice, as though just hearing Xie Lian apologize is upsetting him.

"But I have! I should!" Xie Lian's fingers dig into the back of San Lang's robes. "You were always so loyal and I was always so terrible to you! And now, ever since you found me, you've been nothing but kind, and I..."

"Back then you were hurt and angry and you had a right to be, and now you've been hurt and afraid and that's my fault, so you don't need to apologize." San Lang's words are calm at first, filled with the certainty Xie Lian has come to expect from the ghost king, but by the end he hears something new, something the god realizes with a shock is anger, anger not directed at Xie Lian, but at himself.

The god pulls back, eyes still wide and filled with tears and stares into San Lang's face. The ghost stills at that, his eye flicking to Xie Lian's face and then away, but not fast enough to hide the guilt in it, and Xie Lian can't have that, he can't. He takes a shuddering breath, trying to get some control over himself, for Wu Ming's sake...

"It wasn't your fault." Xie Lian's voice is still rough with tears, making the new scarring in his throat all the more audible, but he manages to hold it steady. "You said yourself, they weren't acting on your orders. You don't allow ...things like that. You didn't mean to hurt me."

San Lang lowers his head, his hands loosening around Xie Lian as though no longer sure if he has the right to hold him, and when he speaks his voice is barely a whisper.

"...But I did. I hurt you."

"No you didn't!" Xie Lian's heart is racing, his head swimming with the suddenness of everything, but he needs San Lang, Wu Ming, to know this. The ghost shouldn't still care about Xie Lian, not after everything, but he clearly does, and the god won't have him blaming himself for Xie Lian's pain. He refuses! "That wasn't you! That wasn't anything you could control! And I..." Xie Lian takes a shuddering breath then forces the next words out. "I'm glad it was me they did it to."