Chenford | stories written at 2am

before I go, part two

Tw: mentions of SH, suicidal ideation, depression.

It was lunchtime and Tim stopped at the food trucks, to be honest ever since it all happened I haven't been hungry. Not like that is a bad thing because I could lose some weight. I have felt so stuck in my body, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I know Tim noticed I have been losing weight but he hadn't said anything besides trying to make me eat every night. He asked me what I wanted for lunch but I told him I wasn't that hungry. I looked at him and saw the worry in his eyes "Lucy you have to eat, I'm not going out on the streets with you if you don't eat". damnit, why did he have to do this to me. "Fine, just a taco then please" I sighed and turned around so I coukd get a seat at the table with Nolan, Nyla, Angela and Celina. "Hey Lucy, how is your first day doing" I turned to Angela, I know she is worried about me but I just don't want to talk about it right now. "Fine, just fine" Angela put her hand on mine and squeezed it. I tried to give her a reassuring smile. When Tim came back with my taco I stared at it, I just can't eat. "Chen are you going to keep staring at your lunch or actually eat it?" I sighed again "Just leave me alone, Bradford. I will eat it, calm down". I took the taco and slowly ate it. With every bite I started panicking. When I was done I couldn't breathe. I quickly stood up "I am going to the bathroom, I'll be right back" i turned on my heel and made a b-line to the bathroom.

"How is Lucy doing today" I sighed because honestly I don't know. " i am worried about her, she has been losing weight rapidly and when she eats it's one bite or she goed to the bathroom after. I'm not an expert on disordered eating but I know what she's doing in there" I turned to Angela and there were tears in my eyes. " I don't want to lose her but I don't know what else I can do to help her" Angela looked at me sympathetically. "You're doing everything you can, Lucy will bounce back and you will be there with her every step of the way. Don't give up on her yet. I will go look in the bathroom and see if she is okay"

When I got to the bathroom I immediately purged untill nothing but blood came out. I dropped to the ground and started crying. How did I end up here, one man ruined my life and I will hate him for it forever. I heard the door opening and Angela her voice. "Lucy are you doing okay?" I opened the door and looked in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and there were tears rolling down my cheeks' "I'm fine, my stumach felt a little funny but it's all good now" I saw Angela in the mirror. "Lucy, don't lie to me. It doesn't take a genius to know what you are doing. It's so dangerous, why would you do this. Your body is beautiful, you are beautiful." I sighed and started getting angry. I started punching the walls "I HATE MY BODY? HE RUINED IT. I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT MYSELF WITHOUT FEELING DISGUSTED". I slid down the wall and started sobbing. "Oh Lucy, I am so sorry, you are not disgusting. What that man did to you is not your fault. He took something from you and you can never get it back again but please don't think you are disgusting." I saw Angela take her phone out and message someone. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. "Angela, It's me Tim. Can I come in?" Angela stood up and let him in, while she walked out. "Lucy are you okay? What happened" he knelt down next to me and I started wiping the tears and stood up. "I am fine, nothing happened. I just felt nauseous. No need to worry." I walked out and sat in the passenger seat. I saw him walk up to the shop and he was calling someone. When he came in he sighed and dropped his head back to the seat. I looked at him and he started crying. "Dammit Lucy I don't know what to do anymore. I feel you slipping away and no matter how hard I try you just keep falling deeper and deeper in to a hole. I can't- I can't lose you Luce. Please just let me help" my heart sank, i knew he was struggling with everything but I never expected this. I feel so guilty. I had always been angry at Isabel for hurting him like that, but I am doing the same thing. I am hurting him. "I'm so sorry Tim, I didn't know. I didn't mean to hurt you. i'm so sorry." I looked down at my hands that were resting in my lap, too scared to meet his gaze. "You have nothing to be sorry for Lucy, I'm just worried about you. I know that you are struggling with eating too, I had a teenage sister, I know what you do in the bathroom. I just don't get it, you are beautiful Lucy. I don't get it". I looked up at his eyes and I saw the adoration in them. I have never seen anyone look at me like he did. "I just feel digusting all the time, i am stuck in my body. I feel so ugly and I don't know what to do." With all the crying I hadn't noticed my sleeve rolling up. I heard him gasp and followed to where his eyes dropped. "Luce, what is that, please don't tell me you are hurting yourself". My stomach dropped. "I- I. no it's not what you think." I didn't know what to say and suddenly I felt his arms wrap around me. "Please don't do that again Lucy, you have to tell your therapist, she can help with this, just please don't hurt yourself anymore." I sobbed in his arms for what felt like hourse. We ended up at the station and he asked Grey if he could drop me off at home. Maybe it was too soon to come back. I changed out of my uniform and when I went out I saw Tim waiting for me. "Why aren't you in uniform anymore, you can't take any more days off for me. I'll be fine". He looked up at me "Lucy, I'm taking you home" his jaw was clenched and I could see in his face that there was no point in arguing so I just went with it. "thank you" he laughed back at me "for what? Doing my job?" I smile because this isn't his job and he knows it.

We arrive at my appartment and I open up a bottle of whine and drop down on the couch. He follow after me and I can still see some concern etched on his face. "Lucy, do you want to talk about what I saw earlier?" I sighed, I'm not in the mood to talk. "You didn't see anything Tim, i just fell. Now can we just drink some wine and watch TrueCrime?" he turns his body so he is completely facing me. "Come on Lucy, we both know what I saw. You always want to talk about everything so why are you shutting me out right now. I want the old you back, i need her" the last part broke my heart but it also infuriated me. I stand up and start pacing "do you not think that I want the old me back too, I LOST EVERYTHING. THAT MAN HAS RUINED MY LIFE" the tears start coming and I can feel my breathing become shallow. I can feel his arms wrap around me and I just melt into his embrace. "I can't do this anymore, Tim. I'm just so tired" his grip tightened, I look up at him and I can see he is crying too. I cup his cheek with my hand and wipe away the tears with my thumb. "Tim, i'm so sorry, i don't want to hurt you". He looks down at me and his gaze lingers on my lips and then back up at my eyes. "Lucy, you have nothing to apologise for, what that-" He didn't get to finish because I crushed my lips on his. He was in shock but as soon as it wore off he kissed me back. It got heated pretty quickly and he backed me up against the wall. I know Tim isn't Chris but I could feel the panick coming up again, I quickly shoved him off me. "No no, please, no stop." Tims eyes grew wide and he immediately started apologising "oh my god, I'm so so stupid, what was I thinkin, i'm so sorry". I knew it wasn't his fault so I just hugged him. "no Tim, I'm sorry, you did nothing wrong". I looked at my watch and it was already 7pm and just tehn my stomach started growling. "Maybe we should order thai food? Some comfort food would do us both some good I think" tim nodded and we sat down on the couch, I snuggled into him with my head on his shoulder. After dinner I felt tired so decided to go to sleep. "Tim, could you maybe stay tonight, I don't want to be alone" Tim quickly said yes. "I'll just stay here on the couch, and yell if you need anything." I started shaking my head "no please come lay with me" his eyes were filled with uncertainty "are you sure?" I nodded, took his hand and led him to my bedroom. Once we were laying down I put my head on his chest and I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat.

I will continue tomorrow, im too tired right now. Let me know what you think