Emotions

Belonging

Have you ever felt like you don't belong in a place?
I have felt so when I started university. Before I started university, I had this idea, a perception of how people will be. Being me who reads so much fiction, of other countries, I never knew how people of my country would be.
I actually come from a very conservative country were you can see religion, region, caste, gender politics which I guess I conveniently forgot.

Infact there is very less acceptance for LGBTQ+ community here. I knew about the community when my sister came out to me as bisexual when I was in sixth grade. To the ten year old me, it was fascinating to say the least. But at that time I didn't know that it was so frowned upon here.
To me, it was my sister, and even after she was the same sister but to other people I guess she wasn't. Cut to the time of lockdown, I started facing the question of what is my sexuality myself.
I slowly researched and I still am doing it but after two years I came to the conclusion that I am pansexual.
After that lockdown lifted and everything went back to normal but I didn't.
The first time I faced homophobia in my life was when I was in my senior year of high school when my best friend of ten years told me that lesbians and people alike should be admitted in mental asylum and convertion camps and that they don't have a stable mind.
At that time I brushed it off saying we shouldn't decide what others are feeling but in my subconscious, it was going on in a repeat mode. If this what it feels like, so painful what will it feels like coming from my family?
A question that I got answers to when I had a conversation with my father, speaking hypothetically and he said, I will give shelter to that friend but if my daughter even has that thought, I will kick her out and disown her. Even now, I didn't get the acceptance of being a writer, he loved my first poem and thinks I have good vocabulary but to him, ultimately, it's bullshit at the end of the day. No, my father is not an abusive asshole, infact he did start researching what LGBT means but still there is a lingering thought of what will the society say?
So, the next day, he told me, if you really are like that, then please go abroad, I don't want you to face any difficulties in this country.
Cut to me going to University. Everything and everyone were different. They were like acceptance is everything but in truth they discriminated and isolated me for being different.
There wasn't any jabs or bullying but the loneliness felt bad, painful. My first year was spent in utter loneliness even though I was around people.
I used to cry everyday to my mom in phone calls, feeling bad for being me. But I wasn't able to change myself just for the sake of other people. And that's when the opportunity of sharing a room with a senior of my college came and I immediately accepted even though I had the fear of raging. At that point, being ragged felt far better than being someplace where I felt like an idiot.
And that was one of the best decisions of my life. I finally felt good after so long. I met new people and made new friends. They told me that they too felt the same and said to not think too much about things.
Things were fine or as fine as they could get. After my first I got a single person room. Things went good in terms of mental health and that's when I wrote desires.
But today after six or so months, I once again, felt the loneliness creeping back on. Yes, another day of crying.
But I hope that one day, I will be free to be who I am, where I am.