Love Letters And Cigarettes

Chapter Four

Augustine watched as Winnie broke down, tears rolling down his cheeks as he sobbed quietly.
He looked at him worriedly, not exactly sure what to do. What the hell was going on with him? Had he done this? Did he do something wrong?

"Winnie-" Augustine started, but was cut off by Winnie saying something completely unexpected.

"I-im inlove with you Augustine!" Winnie exclaimed, his voice shaking slightly. He pulled away from Augustine, looking away from him ashamed and scared.

"W-what?.." Augustine muttered, his eyes wide with shock. Winnie, was inlove with him? Winnie, loved him- like that?

Winnie loved him.

"I-im t-the one who wrote all those letters Auggie.. I-i started doing it as just a small friendly gesture, but eventually I realized I liked you more than that- a-and- everything started to spiral.. and I'm sorry!" Winnie exclaimed, practically in one breath almost.

He was ashamed of himself, ashamed of being gay, of loving Augustine. He was ashamed and scared, because he knew first hand exactly how horrible things could get.

He came out when he was at university, and things didn't exactly go the way he'd really expected them to go.

He was expecting a few people to be disgusted, and he was expecting people like him to support, but things turned out so much worse.

He was used by other guys, used as an experiment to see if they were into it or not.

He genuinely thought a few of them liked him, and he thought going out with them and giving them what they wanted would help him forget about his feelings for Augustine.

But it didn't, it only made things worse.

He knew Augustine would never hurt him, never use him as a toy or experiment. He knew Augustine would treat him right if he felt the same.

But Winnie knew better by now to get his hopes up, which was why he was breaking down and panicking so badly.

He was scared.

"Y-you.. you wrote all those letters?" Augustine asked quietly, his mouth going dry. He was in shock at the moment, and was worried about Winnie due to his breakdown.

"Yes! I-i wrote them- t-they were the only way I could get my feelings out and express them to you without you finding out!" Winnie sobbed, hugging himself tightly.
Augustine just stood there for a moment, his eyes wide as he tried to process everything. But he couldn't at the moment, because Winnie was crying, and that was the only thing he cared about right now.

Augustine gently took Winnie's hand in his, and led him upstairs to his room. He needed to calm him down.

He sat down with him on the bed, and pulled him close, his arms wrapped around him gently.
He could feel him flinch and tense up, which worried him a lot. He didn't want to hurt Winnie, he'd never hurt him. Not again.

"Winnie.. look at me." Augustine said, gently cupping Winnie's face in his hands.
Winnie looked up, tears streaming down his cheeks. He was a mess.

He was hyperventilating, and couldn't stop sobbing and hiccuping. He was so scared, he didn't want Augustine to hate him.

"Take a deep breath.. please." Augustine said, a genuine worried and concerned look on his face.

He didn't want Winnie to cry, or hurt himself.

Winnie sniffled, and struggled to take a breath. It took him a minute, but he managed to slowly calm him breathing down.
He hiccuped every once in a while, sniffling as well. He was still crying, but at least he wasn't hyperventilating anymore.

Augustine sighed in relief, and gently wiped Winnie's tears with his thumbs. "Good.. can you just- try and calm down please?" He asked, his voice sweet and gentle as he spoke.

Winnie sniffled, and nodded weakly.

He took a few more deep breaths, slowly but surely calming himself down. After about ten minutes, he stopped crying, but was still sniffling a little.

"Good job.." Augustine said, smiling softly. Winnie wiped his face, which was still wet with his tears.
He was so mentally drained, his mind constantly beating him up for his own feelings. Even now, when Augustine was comforting him he was yelling at himself for enjoying it.

He was relieved that Augustine wasn't upset at him right now, but he felt like he shouldn't be. He was scared, worried that he'd remember what he said, and then hate him for it.

He didn't want that, he just wanted to feel relieved. He wanted to let himself relax, but he couldn't.

Every small movement made him flinch, every comforting touch Augustine offered caused him to tense, and every soothing word said to him made him feel sick.

He was preparing himself for the worst.

Augustine sighed in relief once Winnie had calmed down, and he hesitantly pulled away from him.

"Okay.. can you please tell me what's going on, without freaking out?" He asked, putting on a nervous smile, hoping it would reassure Winnie some.

It didn't, but it was still appreciated.

"I-i.." Winnie started, but was unable to get the right words out. He took a deep shaky breath, calming himself down before he finally got the words out.

"I-i l-love you Augustine.. I'm in l-love with you, and I'm the one w-who wrote all those l-love letters.." Winnie explained, his voice trembling as he tried to keep himself from crying again.
He needed to keep himself calm, just so he could get this over with.

Augustine went quiet for a moment, taking a deep breath as he was finally able to process everything Winnie had told him.
"So.. you love me, and you're the one who wrote all the letters?.." He asked, getting a small nod from Winnie that confirmed everything.

"Okay.. okay-" He said, taking a moment to just breathe. Winnie actually had feelings for him, and he was the one who'd wrote all those letters.
Augustine was actually kind of glad it was Winnie who wrote the letters, because he loved him too.

He loved Winnie with all his heart, he just never realized it until after the accident.

"I-I'm s-sorry.." Winnie suddenly muttered, looking away from Augustine. "Winnie- why are you apologizing?" Augustine asked, a bit taken aback.
Why was Winnie apologizing to him? He didn't do anything wrong, he was just confessing his feelings.

"Because I love you.. a-and you probably hate me and think I'm disgusting because of it.." Winnie said, sniffling quietly.

"Winnie.. I don't hate you-" Augustine said, sighing softly. He placed a gentle hand against Winnie's cheek, and made him look at him.

"Win.. I love you too.."