The Moon That Outshined The Stars

Chapter 3: Have I done enough?

Was it what I really wanted? Another love story gone wrong? Another family member to disown my siblings and I? What good am I, taking out of myself to retrace my steps all over again? I feel like time itself will only let me, but is it soon enough? I feel that the more I continue my days, it only brings the worst in myself. I'm documenting all this right now as we speak, I devoted my time again to take a step back in the past and retry one more time. But is one more time going to make it any better? Will it really help or will it just fade away? How much more love can I give to each parent? To each sibling? It's all I've ever done. As if I carry more weight on my shoulders but the most I've done was returned back. To phase 1. On Thursday, September 14, 2023 exactly the same day as my 2 month anniversary; I spoke with him. My father. At the time 2:39 pm is when he sent the first text. It wasn't the first time, but the first time in a while- I will confess, I have felt more guilty each day not answering him but for some weird reason I decided to answer him this time around. But why?

    "All it takes is one message." I repeated that sentence over and over and over again until it choked me up. To the point where if I continued more, it'll sure make me cry. It takes a while, you know? To really think this through, but I pushed away the odds and sent him back a message. My heart stopped. I was pacing back and forth. Was it the right choice? Maybe. Was it because you missed him? ...

    I really can't say what I've been feeling lately. I know I seem fine and all but it's like eating my insides and all the walls just cave in ... sometimes I even dream that I've done the wrong thing and that I want to just start an argument but I can't. It stops me. I feel that I worry so much, the worries come to life. And that's something I need to fix as soon as possible. I still wonder how it was possible for that one time at the mall. How did I manage to dream about the good before the good came to me? Was it because I prayed before the night was over? That God heard my prayers and believed I had a chance at winning this whole thing again? What if that specific memory wasn't the way it should have gone? What if it was all an illusion?

    When I got the message back from him, I got a sense of hope. That maybe this time around things got better. That my own father would change for the greater good. But like usual, I always have to remember ... i still love my dad. We spoke the whole day once I got back home from college. I felt excited- and then nervous- and then sad, but it was all a mix. Can I ever really say how I felt? To be honest, I don't even know. And that's still lingering inside my walls.

    It bugs me a lot really. That a happy marriage can go sour in minutes. And turn everyone's life around in seconds. They were doing so well, we had everything set for the future ahead of us. That dream of our own house and the dog .. will now forever perish and be buried 6ft under. If I can describe my father in one word, it would be: Humble. The meaning of "Humble" is "Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one's own importance." This really suits him well because .. he's good at it. He's done so much that I don't know what side of the fence to lean on. Nor to even think about how I feel with all of this.