The Moon That Outshined The Stars

Chapter 4: Please don't say goodbye

"There is no Mom and Dad together in your life."

Dad, when can I come back home?

I think the worst part of messaging your parents is whenever they say things out of context that can make or break your day. I love talking with my dad now. He's the only parent that really puts his attention on me and the girls. I know we faded a while back ago but stress can never leave my side. Suppose of it being a shadow lurking and just waiting to ruin my day. What are the odds of this bullshit like just leave me alone at this point. Worst of all is knowing that something out of context will be said ... but it's even worse when you don't know when it's coming. It's been forever since I can sit down and talk to him. Not in person but through the phone. Although he's still living in the other house, sometimes during dinner I picture him here with me. My dad is my number 1 supporter. He's my everything. The girls are mom girls and I'm the little black sheep being a daddy's girl. I got every personality of his on point, I just never missed a beat for any reason. He's always in my presence. Though I know he cries himself to sleep at night.

I always thought about meeting his little self and seeing where things went wrong. At the end of the day, I know he's the victim but also the innocent. Things don't always go according to plan .. but I always pictured how their wedding day went. Mom looked so beautiful in all white and I know Dad was too nervous. I can't imagine how excited they both were but we all know the true story of which family despised him the most. Why ours? It hurts a lot to know that he's alone upstairs in his bed, not being able to say goodnight to any of us, or to even kiss Valerie goodnight after a long day of school. Or not be able to hug me before I sleep. Or to even crack a smile to Shania. Most of all, being able to tell his wife "I love you" for the last time. Or to even enjoy a sunday dinner, but now picture 4 empty seats. Every plant in the house replaces the seats. Every small crack that broke but got replaced by picture frames of the past. The walls collapse but our smiles hold the pieces together. No more laughter. No more smiles. Just him and his thoughts alone. That's how reality goes. When 4 leave, 1 stays behind.

I am so sorry that I destroyed our family. That must have hurt so much.

That was the only thing I always wanted to hear. Despite the bruises, the suffering, the yelling- that one sentence could've healed it all. But never have I heard that. The closest thing to hearing that sentence was from movies. And fathers whom changed for the greater good. Fathers who've kept their family in one piece and not two. Every holiday hurts the most. Halloween isn't the same as I can't see the family dress up like steampunk for the renaissance fair. Christmas isn't the same as being able to go up to Dad and show him what Santa got for us. Valentine's day isn't the same as not being able to wake up to flowers and candy. Most of all, our birthdays ... Not everyone is there to watch us blow out our candles. Since the moment I blew out my candle for turning 20 years old, I knew someone was missing to see the big year shine for me. I still regret not talking to him around my birthday ... The moment I went to sleep that night ... I knew he wasn't there. He didn't see my big day shine but someone else decided to replace him. Someone of only 2 years to her.

Sometimes I believe it all collapsed because of her. What if she just hadn't met him. What if he could have met someone else beside my own? Day after day I have episodes where I don't wanna see this guy walking around my house as if he's been in this family for years. They just had to get married. I could've stopped it all, but she never once paid attention to the biggest imperfections he laid on the table. I still believe all this couldn't happen if they just hadn't met at all. Life would have been so much easier, but no one listens to the girls and what they think is best. She could've been so much happier alone.

* * *

Today on September 25, 2023 I decided to tell Dad about my boyfriend. Tell him all the exact details on who I for sure will be walking down the aisle with. Of course, Dad made his infamous joke about making sure any boy I meet, will be buried 6 ft under from the moment he meets him. It always makes me laugh. Now to be fairly honest, I'm not too sure on what he thinks of him. Yet again, I told him this information out of the blue. But all I know is I cannot wait for the day they both meet. Though it's someone new to him, I know my boyfriend will feel complete about meeting the person who's done almost everything for me ... the worst of it all is he'll meet the man who did us wrong. But that's for another chapter we'll worry about later on. Considering ... I don't want to think negatively about it at all. I'm sure Dad will like him a lot. Better than the last one. I hope he does. I hope he accepts him. As always, Dad makes sure he makes his statement clearly towards school. I'm never too bored of hearing the same thing pass on like usual. The whole entire speech on "School is important" talk. We told him everything was fine. Biggest question is, if I'm ready to see him in person? That ... I cannot say for now. But I'm excited about what's to come for me.