Running From You

IV. Wake up

The night took two hours. We had been in his car the whole time just talking about his job, his little brother and how he spent his free time in between taking off. I loved listening to someone else's story, especially when they were caught in telling it because it made me distracted. It felt good to let myself focus on something else for a change. While thinking of Ivan and his story, I felt guilty for ghosting him for such a long time. But I had enough time to make up for it, because we made plans for later that week, Friday to be precise.

Being out and about for a change gave me new energy to get up and get going. This morning, I had enough motivation to wake up when my alarm went off. I had just finished my first period of the day when the head of the school called me in her office. I felt a burden weighing on my shoulders and the motivation left instantly.

"What can I do for you, Mrs. Dean?" I asked when I sat down in her office. The glasses she wore were half up her nose and she looked at me with a frown in between her eyebrows.

"Heaven," She started as she grabbed a pile of paperwork and laid it in front of her. "These are the classes you've missed this past period."

I looked at the pile until Mrs. Dean gave them to me. I went through them, seeing all the graphs, summaries and assignments I had missed. There were at least fifty pages, if not more. I felt my hands getting damp as the room felt to be closing in on me.

"The study itself is already hard enough, the medicine, biology, science. Many student fail while getting to every class and studying very hard. You've missed a quarter of this year and I don't see you making the deadline before your exams." Mrs. Dean explained.

"I can make it." Is all I said.

"Heaven, you've missed twenty assignments. Which means you missed at least thirty classes. I don't see you getting ahead of them before the year is over. Medicine is a hard study, especially when you want to make it to medical school in the hospital itself." Mrs. Dean said with a sharp edge.

She was right. I always wanted to become a doctor, which was why I went for a university that had the best education for me to get to the intern medical school in a hospital itself. A precious education you had to accomplish to get into the hospital. The motivation I had earlier this morning was fading away. My hands were still damp and I could feel the paper in my hand becoming tacky. I felt like there was a knot forming in my chest and my vision became blurry. I was having a panic attack. I had to focus on my breathing.

Four seconds inhale.
Six seconds holding it.
Eight seconds breathing out.
Four - six - eight.
Two more times. Come on, Heaven.
Four - six - eight.
Four - six - eight.

"I am sorry, Mrs. Dean. I will keep track of my absence and be the best I can." I apologized to her. I needed to make my way out as fast as I could, which could only happen if she dismissed me. It felt like the room took another tempature, like ten degrees Celcius up. Mrs. Dean was looking at me with her white eyes and for a second I felt like I could pass out.

"Alright, Heaven. Show me what you got." She replied. I quickly grabbed my bagged and felt like running out of her office.

♦♦♦

I knew this was only the start of trying to get myself back on track. I knew it was going to take a lot more energy then I had. But I knew who I was as a person, I knew I was going to forever say 'I got this' as a tear fell down my cheek. That evening when I got home from school, I suffered from another panic attack. My whole world seem to revolve around them. "So how was school today?"My mother asked when we were all dining together. It felt like such a long time ago when the three of us were at the dining table together, it felt rather odd then familiar.