Alex and Annie: A Bad Jokes Spinoff

Chapter 15 (Alex): So Much Energy

I killed people for a living. I rescued hostages from heavily guarded hellholes that were considered impossible to successfully extract the victims from. I infiltrated the scariest motherfucking places on earth to gather intelligence. I was known in the agency as the go-to man for hopeless jobs, and I always succeeded.

But not once had I been nervous like I was now standing outside Annie's door at seven fifty-nine in the evening for our Saturday night date. Our first official date that we were actually calling a date. Before, we'd been out to dinner, to coffee, to get an ice cream fix, but those had never been called dates. It was just two friends with benefits grabbing some food or whatever. 

Looking back, I'm not sure how I could have been so blind as to what was happening to me...except that it had never happened to me before so how was I supposed to distinguish falling in love from an adrenaline rush? I'd never even come close to falling in love so I hadn't had the first clue. Was I an idiot? Yes. I could answer that affirmatively with assurance.

Since Annie had called to say she'd go out with me on Saturday, I'd spent the last two days studying males in the wild and what they did to attract females. The general consensus seemed to be that males who were bigger, bolder and more dazzling had the best chance with the females. Some had some sick building skills, but fuck that. I'd buy Annie the house of her dreams because I didn't have time to build one before our date.

I was already bigger than most males, so that was a plus. I was bold, but I needed to dial that back because I'd been warned against any more breaking and entering. So I needed to be brighter. I wasn't a peacock and didn't have my own plumage to break out, but I'd made the Bad Jokes help me pick out a suit for tonight, which had meant a last-minute shopping trip and then a visit to our tailor to fit the suit they'd picked out.

"That is a date suit," Justice declared, holding out a navy-blue Brioni suit. "Navy blue sets a great tone."

"I need a bright tie, I think," I said. "Since I don't have feathers."

Gracie and Justice, having missed Rory's nature pep talk with me, looked at me in confusion. And a little bit of concern.

"I need some new shoes, too," I mused as the tailor finished marking up my suit for alterations. "The blue-footed booby uses his feet to catch a female's attention."

"His feet?" Justice asked. "Some man gets near me with his nasty-ass feet on a first date, there won't be a second. Hell, that'd end the date right there."

"Alex, trust me, you don't want to call undue attention to your clown feet. Your Louis Vuitton wingtips will be perfect with this suit," Gracie decreed.

"Socks, then?"

"Nothing too outrageous, but sure, you can have a little fun with your socks," Rory said.

An hour later, I had a new shirt, tie and socks in hand and the tailor promised to have my suit ready the next day. He knew my family and liked our money, so he was willing to bring in his crew to work miracles in twenty-four hours.

"Some males also present the females with gifts, like a food item, but I can do better than that," I told my cousins and sister. "Can we stop at a jewelry --"

"No!" they all said at once.

"Alexander, you don't bring jewelry for a first date," Gracie said. "Unless you're a billionaire, trying to win the heart of a...baker? Teacher taking care of her grandmother in a nursing home? Maybe a diner wait --"

"Flowers or chocolates or, even better, both," Rory interrupted my sister.

"I need to make an impression on Annie," I said. "I already fucked up with her. I need to erase all the ways I messed up from her mind by making this a perfect date."

"Why do I feel we should Cyrano de Bergerac this?" Rory asked. "Alex, you have to have those undetectable ear thingy-dos that we can use to whisper in your ear so you know what to say, right?"

"No way, Roar," Justice said. "Just, no. Our little boy has to grow up and handle this on his own. Alex, maybe start with dinner. And remember, you may be ready to move things along, but Annie's going to need to see how dinner goes before she's even willing to commit to a second date."

"Just be decent and normal and considerate," Gracie advised. "You've got this, Alex. Right, girls?"

Justice and Rory looked at me.

"Um, yeah," Rory said unenthusiastically, giving a fist pump.

"Woot-woot," Justice added, plastering the fakest smile on her face.

So, here I was outside Annie's door, watching the time on my phone.

7:59

8:00

The second the time changed, I immediately knocked on her door, then I shoved my phone in my pocket and held the chocolates and flowers in front of me. Seconds later, her door opened and I had to remind myself we were no longer benefitting.

But holy hell did Annie look good.

"You look beautiful, Annie," I said right away. It wasn't flowery, I was definitely off my game, but my mind was trying to catch up to how gorgeous she looked in another red dress that matched her red, red lips.

"Absolutely, stunningly beautiful," I said to clarify my first statement.

"Thank you. Do you want to come in for a second?" she asked, stepping back so I could walk in.

"I have some flowers and chocolates for you," I stated the obvious and was glad my hands were full so I couldn't smack my head.

At this point, I was pretty sure the male spiders that offered their females tasty bugs wrapped in their silk had more game than I did.

"Thanks, Alex," she said, taking the flowers from me. "I'll put these in water and you can put the chocolates on the coffee table, please."

In no time at all, we were heading toward the best steak place in town, very upscale and intimate so Annie and I didn't have to shout to hear each other easily. They also had live music and a tiny dance floor, which I knew Annie would like since she loved to dance.

We ordered our meals, we talked, we ate, we talked, we danced, we talked, we had cappuccinos, we talked, we drove home, we talked. And when I walked her to her door, Annie got a challenging look in her eyes.

"I had a great time tonight, Alex," she said, and I suddenly wanted to smear her lipstick like I'd been tempted to all night. With my mouth. 

Then Annie held out her hand to me, and I knew she was waiting to see what I'd do with that clear signal that I didn't get a good-night kiss.

Cry, maybe?

No, I was going to show her that I was made of sterner stuff than that. I'd work for those lips again, for all of Annie again.

So I took that hand she offered, pumped it three times -- then lifted it to my mouth. I knew my Annie, so I turned her hand a bit so her wrist was even with my mouth, and inhaled the perfume she always put on her pulse point.

"You always smell delicious," I said, then pressed my lips to her wrist. So I got my mouth on Annie, but not in the way I really wanted.

And really missed.

"Thank you for a great evening, Annie," I said. "Would you like to go out again sometime?"

"With you?" she teased.

I smiled. "I'll call you tomorrow to set up our next date."

"Sure," she agreed. "Thank you again."

"I'll wait until you're inside."

When I heard her locks engage from the inside, I walked away and had so much energy I took the stairs down ten floors. Our first official date had gone well, and I thought the blue-footed booby would have approved.