i hate you | l.h

eighteen

flashback to two weeks ago at calum's house

"we don't need to go to the same college!" i yelled at calum for what felt like the hundredth time.

it wasn't as if calum and i never fought; i had always thought that we argued as much as normal couples did, and it usually was never harsh enough to stay angry for a considerable amount of time. but there was something about the coldness and hardness in calum's demeanor lately that unnerved me.

it wasn't to say that everybody wasn't under an immense pile of stress recently. molly was exceptionally quieter lately, which i knew was her method of dealing with her worries.

everybody else had their own problems to deal with, with colleges sending out their acceptance letters and i hadn't had the time to tell molly my problems.

"calum, i'm not going to ucla no matter how many times you try to convince me." i moved to stand in front of him.

surprisingly, the root of our arguments had been about the future. another surprising thing; calum had been the one initiating that he wanted us to have a future which was a complete contrast to who he was.

"lydia. you want to go to northwestern which is halfway across the country when i'll be here. what do you think that is going to do to our relationship?" he asked, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

i inhaled sharply, unsure of what to say. unlike him, my mind wasn't racing with the unlimited amount of possibilities of where our relationship was going to go after we graduated.

calum was important to me, of course he was. i kept reassuring myself of that, because one moment of doubt might ruin it all. but there was always a nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me that perhaps this wasn't even worth it.

instead, i said, "i don't want you to get your hopes up about our future--i-- i don't know," my voice faltered.

he looked like i had just slapped him across the face. "you don't believe that we will have a future? do you even want one?"

"you have to face reality! we're both heading in different directions." i winced at how wounded he looked but i couldn't keep the harsh yet truthful words from spilling out of my mouth.

"reality is that i give way more of a shit about us than you ever have, lydia. i bet you would drop everything to talk to luke yet you can't even manage to try to act like you care about me,"

"that is not true--" disbelief colored my voice.

"i'm going to take a shower." calum's face was blank, unreadable.

when the bathroom door slammed shut behind him, i sank down onto his familiar unmade sheets and put my head in my hands. my eyes were burning, threatening to let tears spill but i blinked them away.

it was around six am, which meant we had half an hour to make it to school which was the last thing on my mind.

my mind was racing with the harsh words that had been exchanged between us and suddenly, writing an essay in english class didn't sound so bad.

-

present

"good news. we are going to hear back from the universities that you applied to extremely soon, and it's looking good. your act scores, your extracurricular activities, and your gpa are definitely something that they will appreciate. plus, your mother was an alumni at northwestern." my counselor, mrs. briggs, peered at me over the top of her glasses as her hands went through overwhelming piles of paperwork.