a fate with Death

to die or not to die

I. to die or not to die

"It's you and me against the world, my sweet tart. Never forget that."

If it was us against the world, then why was it just be hanging by a thread?

lub dub, lub dub, lub dub

My heart was going to explode with the way it kept beating against my ribcage. I was afraid I might die of a heart attack if not by the fall, nevertheless I stood my ground as I watched the city lights twinkle against the dark night.

It was ironic how surreal and beautiful the view seemed in contrast to the havoc in my racing mind. Even in the quiet night, I could hear the voices of my past whisper words of despair in my ears.

Daring to stop the never-ending madness, I took the last step and awaited for my death.

My name was Olivia and Death wanted me alive.

Funny, how life works sometimes. Or in my case, never.

To keep my sob story short, I had a very average life. Nothing too extreme, nothing too happening.

The sort of life where nothing ever happens.

It was mundane, plain and extremely suffocating. Unlike all my peers who were getting married, and having kids, or being successful at their careers, I was pretty much the same basic person I was ten years back.

With a failing score card and a boring job, no friends and a pet who did not care about me, I had nothing much to look forward in life.

My parents were happily married and living their best life and I felt like a hinderance in their picture perfect life. My sister was also married, well-off despite not studying as much as I did and living a comfortable life without much to deal with.

No, I don't envy them. But the sudden pang in my heart when I would often wonder why I was not 'blessed' enough to have a life, was evident for my failures.

It was stupid to compare lives, but being stuck in the same cycle of depression, loneliness and failure had finally made me want to do something for myself.

Surely, I did not want to die.

That was not the first thought that occurred in my mind when I woke up that day and resolved to change my boring habits.

That was my first mistake. I should have directly skipped to jumping off the building, sparing the humiliation I had to bear with my new resolution.

So, I marched to my office manager and asked him for a pay raise. It was not as much as the professionals earned, despite me doing the same thing as them, but it was the raise I deserved for working 10 years in that boring accounting company.

My team manager shrugged it off with a joke, and earned a handful of laughter when he said and I quote, 'raise? you should be glad you are still hired.'

With suppressed tears, I smiled through that joke and sat back in my cubicle with bunch of files that the manager dumped on me. That had been a miserable week because of the way everyone would sneer at me, except for the one guy who was nice to me.

Also, the guy I was crushing on since three years.

He was cute, charming and a year younger than me. He worked in the tax team and often smiled whenever we had a little encounter at the coffee machine.

So my second mistake was asking him out.

I was trembling, I remember how I wanted to throw up but when he said yes, all of the nervousness died and a sense of both hope and love stirred my dead heart. That first week was all butterflies and unicorns, wrestling inside my stomach.

Up until the weekend where we fucked and the very next morning, he laughed after I asked him if he wanted to stay.

'listen, don't take it too seriously okay, i had a bet with the co-workers to see if you'd let me nail you or be an uptight bitch.'

That made me up the dose of my anxiety pills and reduce the will I had preserved to live.

That last straw was when my pet cat, abandoned me and decided it best to stay with the neighbors. I did everything for him. I had days where I'd go nights without food but even then, made sure my cat ate in abundance. I skipped on burgers and pizzas, and fancy outings to get him treats and toys.

Never once did he purr at me, but he snuggled right up with the neighbor. The old lady always makes it a point to tease me on being a 'bad owner'.

That was when I decided, I really don't have anything to live for.

That I really should just die.

The stories on social media account of people having fun and living their life added to the disdain I had for mine. And that night, I decided it best to finish off with this life and hope to not get another one.

With my track record, I was sure it would be worse than this.

So that day, after finishing my pending work and sending an e-mail to my manager, I made my way to the terrace of the building. The terrace was always open for people to sneak out for smoking or to catch a break. Often my team members would loiter around here and enjoy their break time, and I'd keep working to get over my loneliness.

It sucked that I wasn't even pretty to atleast get a little privilege over others. With my dusky dark skin, and round spectacles over my eyes and hair that resembled a mop, I was considered to be a below average girl when it came to beauty standards. It did not help that I dressed up in gray, beige pantsuits either.

The night seemed darker than usual, with no moon and black clouds blocking the stars. The wind was chilly, or it was the anxiety crawling my spine with the decision I had taken. It had to be done, because I could not live another day with the same things happening in a loop.

The only way to stop the cycle was to end my life.

Or so, I thought.

So I stood on the railing, and stepped over at the protective handles, facing the busy city with a daring face. I pushed my spectacles over my nose, and let loose of my messy hair, taking in one last breath before I threw myself over from the 20th floor, in a hope to end the toxic cycle.

Only to enter into another one.

If I knew what was to come after me falling to my death, I would have never taken that daring step.

Because, unlike I planned, I did not face death.

I faced Death.

And it was not pleased.

_