Zombie. (Jake Webber x johnnie Gilbert)

chapter 7

A/N: this chapter talks about autistic experiences and contains meltdowns, shutdowns, depersonalization and other panic-like symptoms. Again I will say that I struggle with autism myself. Jake Webber is diagnosed to be on the spectrum as well. Do not use the experiences in this book to self diagnose yourself with autism or any other mental health problems that occur.  My descriptions are not things jake webber may or may not experience and i am not saying that he goes through these things irl. Most of what he experiences in this fic is based on my personal experiences. Viewer discretion is advised for those with poor mental health. 

Jake's eyes fluttered open realizing he was on the couch. He went to get up and forgot about the weight on his chest. He looked down seeing johnnie remembering about last night. He smiled and decided to stay for a bit. He usually gets up at 8AM anyway and it was 7:30 so it wouldn't hurt.

He grabbed his phone from his pocket being careful not to disturb the boy on top of him. His heart started beating faster the longer he was on him. He didn't even realize the pink on his face until he accidentally opened the camera app on his phone.

Jake's heart shuddered as he saw johnnie slightly shift in his sleep. Jake was a bit skeptical on why he was feeling this way. It has to be platonic right? I mean johnnie is another boy and jake has only felt feelings for girls in the past so why would he have romantic feelings for a boy now? he tried not to let it get to him but it did.

He found himself at the google search bar his hands shaking and his eyebrows furrowing as he went to type in the search bar.

Romantic attraction vs platonic attraction.

He sighed trying to read up on it. Due to his autism he has always had trouble putting labels on things like emotions so it was a given that distinguishing romantic attraction  vrs platonic ones was going to cause him trouble. 

He spent a few minutes reading up on it. He just told himself he was going to have to think about it later. He sighed as a notification popped up onto his screen as he exited the safari tab. He quickly clicked on it, bringing him to his i messages.

Exy wexy: Hey Jake, I'm having a party at my place tonight. Do you and Johnnie want to go??

Jake looked at the message, he's okay with going to parties and stuff but he does get over stimulated at them, he also doesn't want to speak for johnnie knowing that johnnie has bad anxiety. 

Jake: depends, i have to ask johnnie if he doesn't go i'm probably not.

Exy wexy: Okay text me if you and him are coming or not see you.

Jake quickly checks the time seeing that it is now 8. He looks down at johnnie and starts slightly shaking him to try and wake him up. Soon Johnny wakes up very tired and not wanting to move.

“You fell asleep on me and I need to start my day.” Jake said being a bit pushy. Johnnie slid off him but laid right back down when Jake stood up. Jake seemed a bit more on edge then what he would usually be if he was running late on his plans for every single day. Johnnie was super tired but he was still worried why Jake was acting weird.

Meanwhile Jake had walked into the bathroom to start brushing his teeth. Lately he's been too busy to go to his therapy sessions so he's been struggling a lot to read the world around him. Well he always struggled with that. It's just a given when you're autistic. 

He looked into the mirror looking at the person who stood in front of him. He seemed as if he was looking from behind his own eyes. He saw himself but was it really himself? Is this really him, is this what he really should be?

Is he even real? What defines that anyway. Jake couldn't care, he was lost searching every small detail about himself, his identity, everything he had ever thought could be proven wrong within a second. 

His mind wandered off. What if he did like johnnie in that way? That way he has only ever thought about girls. What if johnnie truly had something to offer that jake wanted? Love, affection, happiness, a sense of self? The list goes on on what jake lewis valuable to johnnie.. Things he doesn't even think Johnny sees in himself which brings more confusion to him.

Is it normal to think this way about a friend? Right? He stood his mind going somewhere else as all feelings of being real slipped away from him being lost in identity. He didn't know who he was anymore. Sexuallity was a part of everyone and he lived his whole life thinking he was straight.

Now he's standing in front of a mirror with a toothbrush hanging halfway out of his mouth as he stares blankly at himself thinking about it. It's like he's stuck in a trance. He wants to convince himself that he only views Johnny as a friend but is that really what he felt? He couldn't tell.

What if he could never tell? What if he is wrong? The possibilities go on and in the back of his head all he wants is johnnie to say yes to that stupid party that would cause a weeks worth burn out so he can drink these horrible thoughts away.

Drink them away only for them to return again, but this time with a splitting migraine. Did he really want that? The slight relief for a moment to forget about johnnie.. To forget about himself? 

A knock seared through Jake's ears as he was snapped back to reality. Shaking his head still in a state of depersonalization. 

“Jake i need to piss you've been in here for an hour.. Aren't you supposed to like doing something at 9?” Johnnies very tierd voice said as jake felt emotions roar through him tears forming in his eyes relizeing he already fucked up today.

“Shit shit!” he said leaving the bathroom johnnie sighed quickly taking his piss so he could comfort his friend. Jake was in the kitchen now passing around the kitchen island freaking out about how he was supposed to be eating right now or well 15 minutes ago. He felt his whole day was ruined. 

He  flinched feeling a pair of cold hands grab at his. He didn't even realize the tear streaks coming down his face. He looked at Johnnie and his heart fluttered again and his brain sat in confusion.

Soon he was led to the couch to sit down. His hand is still in johnnies. 

“Hey.. its going to be okay.” Johnnie said softly. Only to be pushed off by jake.