The Millenial Loser: From hell to Paradis

A shitty 2024

Warning: this chapter will approach sensitive topics such as verbal abuse, abusive relationships, suicide attempt, suicide thoughts and suicide encouragement.

February of 2024.

"Congratulations, Ingrid. You did it again." she stared at the face reflected in the mirror, a cold expression trying to suppress the irritation caused by the frustration for another dismissal. The truth was she felt ashamed, embarrassed, deeply disappointed in herself. At the age of 30, one would expect her to be already in the second or third promotion of her career, having multiple companies making offers to have her work for them. Tsc. Career. Another thing she saw other people have, but she didn't. With no degree, awful interpersonal communication skills, no emotional intelligence at all, and, according to her parents, lack of professional looks, the longest time she'd ever spent working at the same company had been roughly a year, and then she'd be fired. It wasn't that she didn't like to work or didn't want to have a career in the same company. In fact, she was incredibly hardworking and responsible, and most often she seemed to be the most interested in the growth of the places she worked at, giving ideas and doing the best she could all the time. But she lacked social skills almost completely, being described as awkward and weird by her students and co-workers, stubborn and opposing by her family, and too needy by some of her boyfriends (most relationships she had were abusive because she would always choose men who seemed like couldn't afford better and thus wouldn't leave her).

Having grown up in a house full of verbal abuse and other kinds of abuse, where her parents would never spare her and her siblings from their adult life problems, including sexual frustrations, Ingrid never really knew how to behave around people, whom to trust and when to stop talking. She had heard her whole life that she was useless, bad-looking, incapable, an attention seeker, and that she did everything wrong all the time. Even after one of her seven suicide attempts she heard from her mother that if she really wanted to die she would have continued to try until it worked. The last time she was considering an attempt, which was only about a year ago, her mother said she should just go with it and not tell anyone because she got fed up from her daughter's talks. Ingrid went for a try two days later not telling anyone, like the obedient daughter she was.

Her face felt fresh from the water she used to wash it, needing this sensation to keep herself from crying. This year of 2024 was already being shitty enough without her being fired. Her boyfriend had broken up just days before New Year's Day and gone on a date with another girl two days later, the second week of January made her suffer again all the pain from November with the last episode of Attack on Titan because it was finally dubbed in her language (Brazilian Portuguese), and the following week she found out someone she truly cherished died of cancer, which meant that now Ingrid only had one friend in the whole world.

"Fuck. Why am I even alive in this shit? My existence feels like a bad joke God decided to tell the devil." she muttered with a small half-smile tugging her face while laughing inside since she wasn't even a Christian nor believed in the existence of a god, in another of her attempts to deal with the pain playing it cool, being sarcastic or funny in her own ways. Crying wouldn't ease her pain nor solve her problems, she knew it too well. Quite the contrary, it made her feel ugly and humiliated because she would look red and puffy, her runny nose made a gross sight and made it hard for her to breath. Nope, no crying. Commander Erwin and Captain Levi never cried when things went wrong. Oh, fuck it, who am I trying to fool here? Erwin and Levi would feel highly embarrassed to have me as their subordinate. A long sigh could be heard in the silent bathroom as she reprimended herself mentally for the absurdely bold comparison the two characters didn't deserve, in her opinion.

After a few moments lost in her thoughts, she allowed herself to take a long shower, sensing relief in the warmth of the water caressing her skin like the embrace and physical affection she always longed from her mother but never had. It was hair care day, which meant the shower could last more than 30 minutes. After it was over, she trudged straight to her bed, closing her eyes for a nap with only one thought. Just for now, I don't want to live reality.