The Millenial Loser: From hell to Paradis

Survival mode

Warning: this chapter contains mention to suicide and rape.

Humans survived so long in this planet for two reasons: their ability to bond with other humans and animals, and their adaptation skills. Actually, for three reasons. The human brain is designed to guarantee one's survival for as much as possible. Ingrid knew it very well, she survived 7 suicide attempts since she was 12, two robberies, one including rape, a car hit and even her own birth that could have killed both her and her mother. And she knew her survival mode was activated, making her eyes function perfectly adapted to the dark, her breath flow silently, her hearing twice as attentive to any sound. Even the freezing cold temperature, which she was only able to notice after the initial shock of being in a forest, would not be enough to kill her that night. It was ironic to think that someone obsessed with committing suicide understand so much about survival. Well, it could be. But in her mind, suicide was about control. She was controlled, manipulated and ordered around her whole life, she thought that believing she had control over the moment and method of her death would be a relief. And, as much as she had her relationship problems with her family, she didn't want them to suffer unable to know where she was, when she died, and unable to make a proper funeral.

Wherever I am now, I will survive this shit. I will go home. I will not be a statistic. I will not be one of those stories to amaze true crime lovers. No scary wary thoughts would cause her heart to race tonight. Levi would never feel afraid in a place like this. Nor would Erwin. I am a soldier for humanity, I offer my heart to humanity, I know how to survive because I can be brave like Captain Levi. Think of how Erwin lifted the squads to give their hearts to die painful deaths so that Levi could kill the Beast Titan. Wait, no, what the fuck am I even saying? This speech wasn't about survival, idiot!  Think of something else... think... think... think... Ikeda-sensei! Master Ikeda would NEVER want me to give up fighting, to give up my hopes. He would tell me to fight just as hard and determined as Levi no matter what I do. Plus, oh, fuck, Bad Boy is coming out in April, and the story is about how Levi was raised in the Undergrounds, I MUST READ that fucking manga. Yes, yes, think of that, that is good. Think of Attack on Titan. Think of how Armin became brave and bold, Jean became humble, empathetic and a great leader, Levi... I must write some fanfics giving Levi a happy ending like he deserves. The stars captured her eyes again as she smiled calmly, proud of her surviving skills and ability to stay composed in such a frightening situation full of uncertainty. She knew Attack on Titan wasn't real nor its world or characters, but thinking of this anime had an undeniable impact in her mood and will to fight for herself when things were bad. When she felt defeated and hopeless, she would ask herself what Erwin would say to inspire her. When she felt weak and incapable, one look at a Levi pic was all she needed to feel strong. The characters made her even understand her religion better, since every word of motivation coming from Daisaku Ikeda, the former and recently deceased president of her organization SGI she could relate with their brave, kind actions. Oh, right, I can chant daimoku for as long as I want here! Folding her hands like for a prayer, she found a perfect spot to fix her gaze and started chanting endlessly in her mind. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. Nam myoho renge kyo. With every repetition she was feeling her heart burn with more determination and certainty that winter never fails to turn into spring, and no matter how dark the night is, it will undoubtedly become day at some point. 

Brushing some insects that landed or crawled up her arms every now and then, she tried to focus as much as she could on the powerful mantra, a highly difficult task for her mind that seemingly had no clue what concentrating meant unless she was doing something of her interest. Her effort was interrupted when a sound of sniffing and leaves being stepped on made her heart pound as strong as heavy punches in her chest. Please, be a good dog. Please, be a good dog. She could only beg with her eyes closed and holding her breath hearing the sound coming closer and closer. Calm down, no signs of fear. No signs of fear. Ingrid tried to relax her body, breath and even her heart rate, trying not to jolt when the sniffs she heard now were felt on the skin of her hand. Okay, no growls, no grunts, the sniff feels curious. Open your eyes, open your eyes, Ingrid. Her lids gave space for her eyes to meet those of an equally curious German Shepherd. Ingrid knew she needed to show a friendly non-threatening body language, so she slowly bowed her head and stayed there motionless, waiting for its reaction. Seeing the dog just as motionless and calm, she lifted up one finger for it to sniff again. "Heeey" she whispered with a loving smile "See? I'm harmless." she lifted her palm upside for more sniffs and welcomed the new friend as it came close enough to lay on her lap, receiving gentle strokes in its head and pats straddling down to its back and belly. "Good girl. Did you come to make me company? Or are you lost, too?" Ingrid felt comfortable enough to talk for the first time since she woke up in this place, extremely grateful for the unexpected company she was allowed to enjoy. Cuddling this angelic being warmed the lost woman's arms and heart, giving her the comfort she needed to sigh leaning her head on the dog's back. "Thank you for being here" her last words were not more than a breath before another voice could be heard.