Good Omens Oneshots

The Raccoon

Just imagine...

Aziraphale saw a raccoon the other day behind the dumpster at Crowley's flat. Crowley warned him not to go near it, that it has attacked people in the past, but Aziraphale really wants to talk to the handsome animal.

Aziraphale was expected over to Crowley's one night at around 10:00pm, but he arrived early, at 9:20pm. He walked to the back of the building and saw the dumpster and the small, cute animal that he wants to speak with so badly.

"Hello there." Aziraphale smiles, squatting down to the raccoon.

The raccoon doesn't reply, or at least Aziraphale doesn't hear a reply. Which is weird, he can talk to animals, so was the raccoon just not talking to him?

"C'mere bud, you're very handsome, you know." Aziraphale says, reaching a hand out to the raccoon. Suddenly, the raccoon hisses at him and Aziraphale smiles sadly. "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you." He says, still reaching.

The raccoon, apparently, wasn't in the best mood. It leapt at Aziraphale, biting him, trying to hold onto the divine skin. Trying to hurt him.

"Oh dear!" Aziraphale says, surprised. He thrashes around and tries to get the raccoon off of him, but it ends up biting him in many places, including the back of his shoulder, piercing the skin. "Oh!" Aziraphale yells, eventually getting the mean animal off of him, and running to the front of the building.

Aziraphale regains his calm, and heals wherever he thinks the raccoon bit. He is certainly not telling Crowley about this.

When Aziraphale knocks on Crowley's door, the demon opens it up with a smile. "Hey, Angel." He says, grabbing the angel's hand and pulling him in.

Aziraphale smiles and replies, "hello, dear."

Then, Crowley rushes forward and kisses Aziraphale roughly. Normally, Crowley isn't this rough, but it has been a few days since their last sleepover.

"I missed you, Angel." Crowley says, pulling back from the kiss and holding the angel's cheeks.

"I just saw you today, dear." Aziraphale smiles, laughing under his breath.

"Yeah, while you were working, or rather, avoiding working." Crowley says, smirking.

"But we still had time together, darling." Aziraphale smiles, knowing what Crowley means, but not wanting to say it. He wants to hear Crowley say it.

"Ugh, you know what I mean, Angel. C'mon, let's go to the bedroom." Crowley says, dragging Aziraphale to his bedroom. The two have frequent sleepovers, but Aziraphale had been very busy with hiding out from heaven, so he hadn't come over in a few days.

Crowley smiles and lays the two down on the bed, holding Aziraphale close to him. "Wanna feel you." Crowley says, burying his head into Aziraphale's shoulder, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"I love you, Crowley, dear. But if you want to cuddle, just say that." Aziraphale says, kissing Crowley's hair. Crowley hates the word "cuddle." It seems weird to say, but Aziraphale is very comfortable with it.

"Whatever." Crowley says, making Aziraphale laugh. "Will you take off your shirt? Wanna feel you. You're always so warm." Crowley asks, blushing. It took him a long time to be able to say what he wanted, and it's still difficult for him, but he tries when he can.

"Of course, dear." Aziraphale says, sitting up and taking off his overcoat, waistcoat, and then his button up.

"Aziraphale, what is this?" Crowley asks, a smirk in his voice. He points at a bite mark on the back of Aziraphale's shoulder.

"I- i... um.." Aziraphale tries to find an excuse. He can't say that he followed the raccoon and Crowley was right, that he was mean. "I'm having an affair." Aziraphale says, wanting to slap himself at that. That's obviously a lie.

"You followed the raccoon didn't you?!" Crowley laughs, kissing the bite mark and making it heal. "Oh, angel, what did I tell you! He's mean!" Crowley laughs, Aziraphale blushing out of embarrassment.

"Crowley, quit it! He's not mean, he just isn't used to people being nice to him!" Aziraphale says, defending the obviously mean animal.

"Alright, Angel, whatever you say." Crowley says, lying Aziraphale back down and pressing his cheek to the angel's chest. "You thought a good excuse would be to say you're having an affair?" Crowley laughs again, kissing the angel's stomach. "Oh, I need to teach you how to lie, don't I?" He laughs.

"Crowley, shut it!" Aziraphale says, laughing slightly. It was obviously a ridiculous lie.

"Oh, I love you Angel." Crowley says, lightheartedly, still smiling widely. "But not all animals are kind. Not even to beings of love like yourself." Crowley says, smiling. "Take a snake, for example! Snakes aren't nice, they bite people, kill people, even!" Crowley says, knowing that it's the truth.

"I think my snake is very kind, very loving, very beautiful." Aziraphale says, smiling.

"'M not kind." Crowley defends, knowing that he is kind, whether he was meant to be or not.

"Okay, Crowley. But you are very gorgeous, and you're amazingly loving." Aziraphale smiles, kissing Crowley's head.

"My snake form is not gorgeous, angel." Crowley says, believing that it is the truth.

"It most definitely is, Crowley." Aziraphale says seriously. "I love your snake form, dear. You look adorable, gorgeous, beautiful, yafa, beleza, ljepota, skønhed, any language, Crowley, any time period, your snake form is just that." Aziraphale says, confidently. "I very much love your snake form, just as much as your human form, and your demon form, and your previous angel form as well." Aziraphale says, making Crowley blush darkly.

Crowley just shakes his head, not fully believing it. "You just said you'd have to teach me to lie because I am so bad at it. Did any of that sound like a lie to you, Crowley?" Aziraphale asks.

"No. Not really." Crowley mutters.

"Precisely my point." Aziraphale smiles.

"Well my point is, not all animals will like you Angel, they're just mean by nature." Crowley says, wishing it weren't true.

"Well, you were supposed to be mean by nature, but you like me!" Aziraphale defends.

"Okay, Angel." Crowley smiles, kissing the pale skin beneath his chin.

"And I will get that raccoon to like me!" Aziraphale says, determined.

"Okay, Angel." Crowley says again, smiling wider now.

Of course Aziraphale wants the raccoon to like him. Everybody else seems to, so why shouldn't the raccoon.

For the next multiple weeks that Aziraphale came over, he always had a sad look on his face and bites on his arms. Crowley went down and had a little talk with the bastard that was hurting his angel eventually, and one day, Aziraphale knocked on Crowley's door, smiling widely.

"Crowley!!! He let me pet him!" Aziraphale smiles.

"God, I love you, Aziraphale." Crowley smiles, glad that his threats worked on the animal.

"I love you too, dear." Aziraphale smiles.

Crowley never did tell Aziraphale that he threatened the raccoon, he never told him that he had any part in it. And Aziraphale went on, making friends with all of the animals he could find, Crowley only needing to threaten a few.