Dear Beezus

Chapter 3: She said 'fck it'

Chapter 3: She said 'fck it'

"And beauty realised that she was the beast"
-Jax (Cinderella Snapped)

And it's been weeks, I think? Like, maybe 2 weeks? But everything feels lighter. It's like a weight's been lifted since letting him go. You'd probably be like, 'there's no way you moved on after two weeks.' Nah, not really. But it does feel a bit lighter than those first days. It's like dropping something heavy you didn't even need to lug around every damn day. I remember back in elementary, I used to haul this 3-kilogram dictionary to school daily, thinking I was too dumb. Needed it to decode every damn word in my books, but guess what? Never even cracked it open. Just carried it around for nothing, even if my back was killing me from lugging it in my backpack. What a dumb kid. Then one day, I said fuck it, left it at home. My back stopped aching. Walked tall without hunching over some heavy crap I didn't even need. That's how it felt when I realized I couldn't move forward while dragging the weight of a toxic relationship. I was carrying the whole thing. Did all the work to keep us together, but it still fell apart. Because it was meant for two – but the one who loves harder always tries to carry the heavier load. Feels so much lighter knowing I don't have to carry around that unnecessary baggage anymore.

I felt the pain for weeks. Yes, I did cry. I even got wasted. That's the process. I needed it, though. I needed to feel the pain, to own it. Because if I don't, it will always haunt me. The more you try to dodge pain, the worse it gets. So I faced it. You can't escape pain after all. It's meant to be felt. It's meant to make you stronger and help you set boundaries you don't want to cross to avoid feeling the pain again. You owe that to yourself – you owe yourself to feel the pain. It helps you build self-respect. Feel the pain, so next time, you won't put up with disrespect. I decided to feel the pain I had to feel. If that's how God wants me to learn, then so be it. I trust Him with all my heart – I don't understand why I need to go through this crap, but I trust Him. I know He won't make me go through this for nothing. Like, duh, He is God. He knows what's best for me, and He is guiding me according to what's written for me. He says, 'No, that's not how it's going to be. This is the plan. Your plan might be good from your perspective, but you haven't seen mine yet.' Oh God, I haven't seen your plans, but can I take a peek? Just want to see if we're really not meant for each other because I'd stop this drama if not. Or can I get a hint if I'll be ballin' on the Forbes list one day?

Maybe what makes dealing with the breakup easier for me is the fact that I've been moving on while still stuck in a relationship with him. Being an overthinker, I saw it coming from a mile away. I imagined it all happening and had a whole plan set up for how to handle it, how to end it, what to do when it ends, how I'd react – oh, and for this part, the plan was just to say 'okay' and then walk away, but instead, as an ambivert, I let all the pent-up grudges I've been holding for 11 years fly out. I guess, even though I saw it coming, no one's ever really ready to hear someone say they don't love you anymore, especially when that someone is your whole world. But you know, as the old people – yeah, I'm talking '90s babies, old people – say, at least it went down before we tied the knot. It's way tougher to bail when you're already hitched. And with no divorce in sight in this country, we're just stuck being someone's legal partner.

I knew it was going to happen. I just enjoyed the last days. I lost hope in that relationship the second time he betrayed me. Yes, the second time, because I didn't learn the first. I'm not proud of this, but it took several cheating seasons before I finally cut ties. Can you blame me? I'm already blaming myself, so feel free to join in. I gave him everything. I loved him so much, and he knows that, so he took full advantage. I actually took him back because I know cheaters always come back because they never cheat for someone better, they cheat for someone easier. But that don't mean you gotta take him back every damn time like I did. Biiitch, this isn't a K-drama with lots of episodes. How many episodes of betrayal do you want to see? I'm not dealing with that anymore; I've had enough.