textbook exception; z.hao

five

—act two; fallen to never ending abyss

"two subjects of one's sorrowful elegy"

zhang hao

'will you look at me the way circe do to odyssey, once upon a time they were lover. but were they? perhaps, i had been wronged— after all you're astute, an intellectual and perceptively wise beyond your years.' is what i wish i could say freely without a worry.

i often find myself with cheeky smile at the sight of her, fallen for her charms, she had enchant me with her poisonous potion, but i'll drink gallons of it regardless.

darling, she had created an art filled madness in my flaming heart, my pain's an imposition, composition sprawled in front of your very figure; she played me like an instrument, the strings of my heart played by your delicate fingers, she had used it till the moment they'll break. eventually buying a new one, and she'll discard the strings, now trash.

"huang hera" a name beautifully engraved on the book before my eyes, a flower she was to others. a disease she is to me. how could such angelic creature, have a devil living inside of their heart? perhaps, i'm over exaggerating, i always does.

the first time i have laid my eyes upon he figure, she had a speech, so descanting. she made cathedrals and cities with paragraphs of the twenty six letter of the alphabet.

the first time we had a proper conversation, remember my dear? secretive run aways, on a one-sided corridor where we'd sat and pointless small talks about our ephemeral suffering of a career.

the first time she smiled at me so genuinely, i almost felt sorry. how i led her on, albeit fallen for her like icarus who flew to close to the sun. burned i was; scarlet wounds flesh out on the open, the blood quickly rushing through my body. i can't feel anything except my love for her.

was it too soon to claim my love? or is it to late, my gaze fell upon the hands laying so comfortable on her hips. did he made you feel love?

2017

her calming smile with serene voice, the way she convey her sensation sentiment, it's the way she spoke to me with utter softness. the moon accompanying us with fallen saffron across delphinium beneath the windows. her laugh so sweet and warm like the molten ivory wax.

did you know what i say to those with greed? foolish were they, those who doesn't seek a cleansing in Aphrodite's shimmering bath of starry skies-- albeit if nowhere else, surely in flaming hot waters will the despicable greed of mankind be sloughed from their reveries.

hold me, i'll ask. this is a hyperbole; i was made to fit in the gap between collar and the spaces beneath jaw. i felt home in her (nonexistent) embrace, love in your eyes, euphoria in every words you utter. romeo to your juliet how cliche would that sound, a relation created by an illicit rendezvous; the small talks during classes, the stolen glances made exquisitely between us, the pretend rivalry.

the two subject in a heart-wrenching musical piece resembles the tied strings of our relationship, mature and filled with everything other than hopelessly in love, too understanding not to care, self-help books and philosophical questions always running around our minds, the slightest bit of changes occupying our waking days. two pathological astute, people pleaser and hypocrite; a catalyst made by our own self-made prophecy filled with greeds.

"did you know? i idolised you so much. the way you handle things despite you're shortcomings, your intellectual mind, how you're always so hardworking, beauty resembling the greenery lakes you always hang on like the garden of babylon calling for you; i love your eyes, your hair, your lips, i love you. i admired you, i was jealous of you." seating side by side at the lake a few meters aways from school, the lakes which she wrote all her elegies, the lake which was the first time we talked, the lake which where i fell in love with her, the lake which i got to understand her. the lake filled with memory of her.

"what was your intention on telling me this?" her words echoes through my ears, the high walls of brick and gold i build for so long came crumbling down seconds after our first meeting, it was if the rusty chain of an old mansion was cracked open, the new beginning of everything and anything. "you knew we can't, we simply live in different life; this isn't a fairytale, hao." her words cut deeper than knives that was stabbed onto every bones of my living body. deep down, i knew she was right, it was selfish of me for wanting her all to myself, it was selfish of me for not thinking of the consequences, the future.

i knew it all too well, we were too different— a reality we're aware of, i'm aware that i couldn't give her the prince charming like those in books which she deserves; she deserved someone much better than me, someone who could go through all the ups and down, someone whose slightly careless, those who could love her truly for who she is; which isn't me.

"i want to try being selfish for once, i don't think it's for me."

huang hera

he claimed to love the pair of eyes, which was stained by the heart-wrenching tears of a mother, my mother never really wanted to have kid if it wasn't for the man standing mightily on the altar above, reciting his vows, i had always thought, if only i wasn't born, maybe she'd dreamed a little higher, perhaps. then there's come my father in the picture; he spoke a language which flower blooms inside your throat, words which bleed on your tongue. i knew he never meant to be cruel, but damn, i was too damn young to understand.

my unhealed inner child had stayed to seventeen, forced to mature as an infant, clueless at all time. perhaps it serves as a reason why it hurts even more as i grew up. the lies i had slipped out, my pride not able to owe it all up to him; i had learned it by ear, it was the only way to survive for me. the blood runs cold inside me, i am my mother daughter and my father child.

i wish to be as careless as him, he deserved someone who could love him truly, i don't truly believe my feeling for him is true, it's not the same feeling as what he felt. for him, it was love and adoration, for me it was envy, and jealousy.

the clandestine encounter we were was as the tangent by a circle, except we were never together in the first place. longing eyes and missing hearts, late night phone calls until phone line getting rusty and aged. "you're the skycrapper building, standing tall while i was the soil you were buried into, the ground supporting you to stand."

"you're so poetic, are you thinking of having a career in that field?" i had thought about it, i truly do; however the stacked up deby and unpaid loan was something i need to be responsible for. my dreams and hope was crushed down with a single misfortune; a professional athlete, selling the nationality i was born with, for money— selling myself for the sake of my family, i'd do it all over again, even if i had to sacrifice everything that makes me myself, if it meant at least a speck of dust to my parents, i'd do it all over again.

"not really." if only money wasn't a problem— even if it wasn't, i'd still sell myself for what could've been the better option. a caramel-covered lied all it was, a sweet imposition, lying had been my second nature, it was the language i grew up with.

"sorry for loving you, hera."

- persist and resist the temptation
if one thing had been different.