You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 12

~ Luna's POV ~

"so Luna, can you introduce the people you brought with you?" Zoey asks me and i look at Nick and Charlie feeling like i can't even speak. Nick grabs my hand for comfort "they're my foster dads, Nick and Charlie." "how long have you been living with them?" "for like 6 months now"

"So i've read some things in the e-mail i got from Nick and Charlie, but could you try and explain in your words what's been going on?" Zoey asks me and i just shut down, i really don't know how to talk to a stranger. I can't share my feelings and thoughts, i just can't. 

There's a silence and then Nick jumps in "we made a list together, maybe you can use that?" he says to me and hands me the list we made but i'm shaking so much that i just put it on the table. "i-i- c-ca-n't" i stutter out, begging for someone to talk so i don't have to.

"The reason why we're coming with is what i already explained a little bit, but Luna has a hard time trusting new people because of her past. She constantly felt misunderstood and not loved. Everyone she loved left her and she needed to figure out everything on her own. She's scared people will yell at her or be mad at her for showing emotions. She was never allowed to share her feelings or emotions, so this is a really hard proces for her" Charlie explains to Zoey and i'm glad he does. 

I'm scared to even look at her so i fiddle with my rings the entire time. Zoey all of the sudden slides a tangle my way and smiles at me. I grab it and start fidgeting with that instead, it's nice, i smile back at her and then look down in my lap again. My heart is going crazy, it's insane. 

"This is a safe space, nobody is going to be mad at you for talking about how you feel. You're truly safe here Luna, but i get that it takes a lot of time and trust. I won't ask you about your past anymore Luna. Nick wrote everything down for me already and i read a lot from the social worker too. The last thing i want to ask about it is what trauma therapy did you get that didn't work?" Zoey asks me. "Narrative exposure therapy i thought it was called" i say and she just writes stuff down and nods.

"I read that you've been self harming. How long have you been doing that?" Zoey asks me and my stomach drops just thinking about this subject, i don't want to talk about this out loud it feels wrong. "Uhmm l-like 1,5 years or some-thing" i respond and she writes again.

"How do you self harm?" "i-i- take... s-scissors or something sharp a-and cut m-my wrists and arm" i say and i can feel myself starting to cry, but i don't want to.

"When was the last time you self harmed?" "i- uhmm- y-yesterday night" i admit knowing that Nick and Charlie both didn't know that and then Nick looks at me, shit. "Wait Luna you did? Was it before or after you came to us? Why didn't you tell us, you know you can honey." 

"A-after" i sob. I can feel the guilt inside me and i start crying even more and apologising over and over not wanting them to be mad at me. "i-i'm s-so s-so-rry" i cry out over and over again and Nick wraps me in his arms and i cry in his chest. 

"You don't have to apologise for anything Lun, it's okay and we are not mad at you sweetie" Nick whispers to me and i'm relieved that they're not mad at me. 

"We're all here to help you Luna, it's okay" Zoey assures me and smiles at me. "Can you tell me a little bit about all your other struggles Luna?" she asks me and i take some deep breaths trying not to overthink it.

"I've been struggling with depression for over a year now and it's been really bad. I have all these negatieve thoughts about my life and myself and just everything. I'm not in the mood to get out of bed and i don't want to do anything, I just want my mind to be quiet for a little bit and i don't want to feel anymore. The only thing that makes my mind quiet is self harming, it's the only thing that calms me down, i can't calm myself down in any other way. And my anxiety is also really bad, i've been struggling with it since as long as i can remember and i struggle with so many panic attacks too and i don't know how to handle them." i ramble out crying while Zoey writes everything down i told her.

"I read that you're not going to school full time. Can you tell me a little bit of the struggles you experience in school?" "my anxiety, panic attacks, making friends and talking to people, all the new people and new atmosphere right now and all the changes and a school day in general is really overwhelming for me and i need to recover in my room from a school day." 

"Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me Luna, i know how hard that was for you. I'm going to sent you back to the waiting area for 10 minutes or so while i write everything out and i'm going to write down which treatments i think will help you the best, okay?" i just nod and we all walk out of her office.

Charlie immediately hugs me and Nick does too. "Luna we can't tell you enough how proud we are of you, we know how hard this was but you did it!" Nick kisses my forehead and i smile, so people can be proud of you and not yell at you, wow. 

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10 anxious minutes pass and Zoey walks back out and we walk back to her office with her. I'm still fidgeting with the tangle she gave me and my heart is still pounding out of my chest, i want to be in my bed, i'm so overwhelmed.

"So, i wrote everything out and here are the things i would want to do with you to help you and i want to know what you guys think of it. First of all i want to try EMDR with you, it's a really different trauma therapy from the one you did already and i think it could be really effective for you. Second of all i would like to do ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, to help you accept things how they are, accept your feelings and emotions and know that it's okay to feel those. Third of all what i want to do is cognitive behavioral therapy to help you with depression and panic attacks, there's a lot you can do, think about helping you with your negative thoughts and your coping skills. This is a lot i know, my suggestion would be to have you here 2 times a week, one for the trauma therapy and one day to work on ACT and cognitive behavioral therapy."

"And lastly i want to start an autism diagnosis research if you're okay with that. The things i read and the things you guys told me are really making me think, Luna could be autistic and i think if we figure out if she is, we can help her the best we can and we would know what she needs the most." Zoey says and i honestly don't know what to say and how to respond. 

"I think these are all great ideas to help Luna in the best way" Charlie states and Nick agrees, i just nod my head yes hoping that'll be enough of a response. 

"If everyone is okay with that then we are going to start working together from now on." I smile at her and nod my head. "I will see y'all next week then. Luna i'm really proud of you for opening up, great job. I'm here to help you and i'm going to do my best alright?" she smiles at me and i smile back, she seems nice, i hope she really is too.

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I'm laying in my room on my bed after the therapy session. It was so rough and i'm so overwhelmed now. Am i really going to do this? Open up to a stranger and get help?? And autism? i don't know what i would do if i find out i have autism. I thought i knew myself the best, but i guess i don't know that for sure now.