Beauty in the cracks

The first crack

"I just don't understand why you have to embarrass me all the time. I'm fucking sick of it”

“I'm sorry! I really don't even know what I did wrong!” Jungkook pleaded as his eyes watered. They had been out to dinner with Shownu's friends, and like every time before this, they had left early and Jungkook was crying on the ride back to their apartment.

Every. Fucking. Time.

It wasn't always like this though, he could remember their first two years together and things were perfect.

Jungkook had just moved to New York to attend NYU to finish his doctorate to become a physical therapist, he was nervous and anxious, and the only person he really knew was his friend Namjoon who was well on his way out of university with his doctorate. He met Shownu in the cafè that sat right beside the campus. Jungkook had been sitting at the small table for hours groaning over his Health and Kinesiology essay when a shy voice came up beside him “Hi, can I buy your next coffee?”

And Jungkook might have fallen in love right then.

Shownu was charming, sweet, kind, funny, and he took care of Jungkook. He was the literal definition of the perfect boyfriend. So after a year of dating, they got an apartment together. Shownu was working in a law firm, close to passing the bar and hoping to eventually be a partner. He loved Jungkook, and he showed him off whenever he got the chance.

Their second year together, Shownu proposed. They were engaged and moved again to a bigger, better apartment. Shownu was a lawyer now, and Jungkook was closer to his doctorate (still far though) and they were happy.

Their third year together, things started to slip. Petty arguments here and there that Jungkook chalked up to the two of them being tired and overworked. And then Shownu had a temper tantrum about Jungkook hanging out with Namjoon and Seokjin without him being present and things only went downhill from there.

But he apologized, and Jungkook agreed to spend less time with his friends.

And call home less.

And not leave the apartment unless it was a necessity like school, work, or groceries.

And the frequent phone checks started.

And checking how much food he had eaten.

And picking out his clothes for him.

And Jungkook knew it was all wrong, but they were in love. And Shownu wouldn't intentionally hurt him, he just might not have realized he was hurting him. And Jungkook hadn't realized yet what exactly was wrong. Just that it didn't feel as right as it once had. But relationships were give and take right?

Now they've been together for six years.

Jungkook has his doctorate, a graduation Shownu couldn't attend because he had work. And none of his friends came because Jungkook hadn't told them when it was happening, and his parents had texted him but he forgot to ask if he could text them back so he couldn't when it was too late anyway. The only applause he received that day were the polite ones of his classmates and their attending families.

“You don't know what you did wrong?” Shownu scoffed “every fucking time with you”

“Just tell me, please, I won't do it again, whatever it was, I'm so sorry!” He cried

“You're just an annoying little bitch. That's what. You talked too fucking much, took over the entire fucking conversation with your stupid little ramblings like always”

“Kev asked me for advice! What was I supposed to do? Ignore him?”

“You might as well have crawled under the fucking table and sucked his dick! God you're fucking impossible!” He slammed the steering wheel and Jungkook flinched. Shownu had never physically hurt him, but he had broken and smashed more things than Jungkook could care to think about in the moment.

“And could you have eaten any more! God, they probably all think about how fat and disgusting you are, shoveling all that food in your fucking mouth like a starved fucking animal. Seriously Jungkook, get a fucking hold of yourself!”

“I'm sorry” he whimpered as the car was put in park, Shownu got out first, no longer bothering with opening the door for Jungkook, or waiting for him before he disappeared into their complex. Jungkook rushed to follow him because if he sat there too long Shownu would accuse him again of secretly texting a hidden boyfriend that never even existed.

“That's all you ever say ‘I'm sorry’ but maybe if you didn't fucking do this dumb shit in the first place you wouldn't have to fucking apologize!”

“You're right” he wiped at his face with his sleeves “I'm sorry, I don't mean to embarrass you, or let you down. I promise”

“You know what's funny Kook? I don't fucking need you. I'm with you because I choose to be. I could be out with whoever the fuck I please but instead I'm here, with you. And all I get in return is having to deal with all of your fucking problems and fuck ups” he took his tie off and huffed as he walked towards their room with Jungkook following behind him, feeling like his heart was going to fall out of his ass “fucking Jay asked to see me tonight and I said no” he mumbled under his breath

“Who's Jay?” Jungkook hiccupped as he tried harder to dry his eyes, he knew if he cried for too long Shownu would make him sleep on the floor in the living room and he had a long day and didn't want to be sore from the wooden floor 

Shownu laughed as he stripped out of his suit “that's really none of your fucking business, is it?”

“Are you cheating on me?” He cried harder, as much as he didn't want to, he couldn't stop himself now. The idea that his fiancé would cheat on him after everything he does for him was making him feel ill

“Hmm” Shownu grinned as he slid on his pajamas “you know what? I'll tell you the truth. I think after what you put me through tonight, hearing the truth might make you wake up and want to be a fucking better fiancé to me”

Jungkook braced himself as the lump in his throat grew bigger and his heart raced harder, his tears grew in size and frequency and he felt so close to passing out, his legs were weak as he leaned against the door frame

“I'm not cheating on you. But I could. I meant what I said Jungkook, I can have anyone I want and I still choose to put up with your shit” he smirked “last year, my coworkers and I decided on a new spot for our weekly night out” Jungkook knew that, every Wednesday night Shownu and his coworkers went out and Jungkook could have the bed to himself until three in the morning when Shownu would stumble in drunk and pass out.

He liked those nights.

“We came across this fancy strip club” his heart raced at that, he wasn't opposed to strippers and strip clubs, but now that he knew where Shownu had been going..Jungkook could already figure out who this Jay person was “there's a dancer there, his name is Jay. He's perfect. In every way, shape, and form. He's perfect. He's so much better than you, and he's been practically begging me for my cock. Every single fucking time I go there he clings to me like a fucking magnet. And you know what?”

Jungkook shook his head as he tried to breathe

“I think I'm in love with him. And after nights like this? Watching your fat stupid ass embarrass me in front of my friends, snotting all over yourself and looking so fucking pathetic and weak. I have to laugh at you. I laugh and wonder why the fuck I'm even here. I could be with Jay right now. I could be with a man that's going to treat me like a fucking king and kiss the ground I walk on. But for some reason, I'm here with you. You'd do good to remember that. Got it?” Jungkook nodded “get yourself cleaned up and come to bed. I'm fucking tired”

Jungkook gulped and did as he was told, his heart felt broken and heavy in his chest. His fiancé was in love with someone else. Someone better than Jungkook in every way.

He didn't think he could come back from that.