epiphany

23.

Sometimes when I sit under the stars, I just can't stop my thoughts. They come to me rushing and drown me and when they leave, I'm left shivering with the aftermath.

I wonder if anyone has ever looked at me and thought, "God, she's beautiful". I wonder if anyone has ever stopped whatever they're doing just to watch me laugh. I wonder if anyone has had the urge to bottle my laughter 'cause they want to get drunk on it every night. I wonder if someone has ever watched me from afar and thought, "She's so kind, I wish I could be like her". I wonder if anyone's grateful for my presence, if anyone has a crush on me. I wonder if there's anyone out there in this lonely, big world for whom I make things easier. I wonder if there's anyone who feels a little less lonely after speaking to me. I wonder if there's anyone whose eyes light up when they notice me in a crowd, when someone mentions my name.

I wonder if anyone will care when they hear I'm dead and gone, when my skin has gone cold and my muscles are stiff and my body no longer possesses my soul. When I'm about to be buried six feet into the ground, never to be physically seen again. Who would come to my funeral and who would cry? Who would feel guilty for being relieved about my passing? 

I wonder what my headstone would say.

Beloved daughter, sister and friend.

I wonder what quote would capture me in a single sentence.

She felt like warm cookies melting in your mouth on a breezy summer day.

How do I tell someone, anyone, that all I want to do is find out these answers?