It Can't Be Anyone But You

Writing The Fool - Part 4

The days pass by one after the other and, before Lan Zhan realizes, his life has become weeks of secret messages and growing hope. It has transformed into something he no longer recognizes, something he wishes would last forever. But time does not stop because one Lan Clan teenager wants it to. Nor does it give him the answer he seeks.

Every day Lan Zhan rushes through his morning routine so that he can find his next note. It's a treasure hunt that has somehow given his life a new purpose. He admires and cherishes every small piece of paper left for him. There's even a special place in Jingshi where he hides his admirer's caring and affectionate words.

Sometimes they are words of encouragement like 'Good job' or 'Proud of you'. Lan Zhan eats them up like candy. Of course he's heard things like this from his gege but he always thought Xichen was expected to say them. His older brother was being groomed to lead their clan one day so praising his didi just came with the responsibility. His Xiongzhang compliments many people. It's what a good leader does to inspire his people and gain their loyalty.

On rare occasions, his uncle acknowledges his accomplishments. It makes Lan Zhan feel satisfied that he's done what is expected of him as the Second Jade of the Lan Clan. His teachers and instructors often praise his work in class and skills on the training field. However, he doesn't feel like they mean it. They're just saying it because he's Qingheng-Jun's son and the child of a dead mother.

These notes of encouragement from a complete stranger, however, make him want him to do better, to push himself harder. He wants this person to be proud of him. It's a strange feeling. And yet he doesn't mind it. Knowing that someone outside his clan recognizes his hard work and has taken the time to applaud his achievements settles something in Lan Zhan's heart he never knew bothered him until a few months ago.

Once in a while, as if this person can read Lan Zhan's mind, the notes will ease his worries. Sentiments like 'Keep trying'' or 'Think positive' give him that extra little push to not give up when things get difficult.

He knows that the other students think everything comes easy to him, that he's naturally gifted. But they don't see the extra work and long hours he puts into his lessons and sword practice. All the other kids are too busy playing games in their free time or relaxing in the sun to notice Lan Zhan in the library copying texts or practicing his guqin until the skin on his fingers is torn.

All of these notes are special in their own way. However, it's the notes that touch his heart that he treasures the most. Words like 'You're special' and 'I admire you' fill in the gaps of Lan Zhan's heart that he never thought anyone would notice. It's as if, for the very first time in his young life, Lan Zhan is being seen for the person he is.

Not for his title.

Not for his family.

Just...himself.

If...no, when they meet, Lan Zhan wants to know that he's worthy of this person's respect. He wants to be able to look them in the face and see approval shining in their eyes.

Sometimes, at night before he goes to bed, he pulls out one of the pieces of paper and traces the strokes again. He remembers exactly where he found it and what he was doing when he felt its elusive presence. His sharp mind has committed each one to memory so he doesn't do it because he forgets what they say. As his finger follows the brush strokes, he tries to imagine what this person felt when he wrote the characters. He tries to see through their eyes in hopes of tracking down his secret admirer.

As the weeks turn into months, frustration begins to take root in Lan Zhan's aching heart. The box he keeps hidden in the secret compartment beneath the floorboards of his bedroom is overflowing with notes. And yet he is no closer to discovering who this person is than he was the first day of class.