Leftover Baggage from Llanview

13

Dorian:

Despite my initial reluctance to seek therapy, I begin to feel a sense of relief and a bit calmer that weekend and the following week.

A couple of nightmares still disturb my sleep, but they aren't as severe.

I message my doctor, who refers me to a psychologist, who takes an assessment over the phone.

Addie proves to be a valuable support in my life and has excellent information on therapy techniques and what to look for since she has been through years of therapy and still sees a therapist on occasion.

We message and talk back and forth most of the weekend with Risa joining in on occasion.

"I'm proud of you, sis," Addie says. "I had the feeling that you were struggling and didn't want to admit it."

"Thanks, Addie," I manage the first genuine smile in weeks.

Cassie also tells me that she's glad I'm seeing a therapist.

I'm glad you can finally be free of the traumas that so weighed you down, Mom, Cassie messages that Monday. Back in Llanview, I almost always saw a gloominess about you and knew that there was a lot going on inside of you.

My appointment is that Thursday late in the afternoon. I look around nervously as I go into the medium-sized, four-story building and have to remind myself that this is not Llanview anymore and that no one on the street or in the building knows me.

Unlike Llanview, there is little to zero chance of having somebody I know walk into the waiting room and seeing me and nil chance of anyone spreading it around that I'm seeing a counselor.

•••••••••••••

My therapist, Dr. Francine Yardstein puts me at ease...she doesn't push me to talk too soon, but gives me space to tell her what has been going on lately.

A couple of times my hands shake and tears well in my eyes when I do talk, but to Dr. Yardstein, it's normal.

Her voice is generally soft, which has me instinctively speaking softly as well.

That first session leaves me feeling a bit strange...sort of raw, yet lighter as if perhaps, perhaps I won't go through life feeling miserable so often.

I decide to take a walk through a park close to where I live...it's close to twilight with a lightly overcast sky and a cool, crisp soft wind, but not as windy as it was over the weekend.

Back in Llanview, I often took solitary walks in a wooded area behind La Boulaie...in fact, it was one main reasons I selected that house back in 1994.

As I walk, my thoughts tumble through my mind like rapidly moving clouds in a windy sky.

I now wonder if seeing Tina again triggered my nightmares and flashbacks again.

Hearing and seeing the news about Viki's breakdown and about the latest Llanview drama likely made things worse for me.

Ideally, I should have left Llanview far sooner...I definitely would have avoided the Buchanan Enterprises fiasco and avoided Clint's claws about my throat.

Jared still would have killed Nash, I realize but it would have merely taken place in a possibly different location, perhaps even at Llanfair.

Llanfair seemed to have a sort of spell and an aura...it's a bit hard to explain...I don't know why I ever wanted that place at one time.

Perhaps it was because I had fallen in love with Victor there and wanted to retain that happy memory.

I think Victor even loved me at one point...early in our marriage we'd both been happy.

This was before I found out about the incest, about his perverted ways, especially with very young women, about his numerous extra-marital affairs and about his hidden nazi gold.

It was humiliating enough even before Viki started her hate campaign against me and accused me of "killing" her father to gain his fortune.

Remembering the first time Viki came back to Llanfair for dinner after Victor and I married causes a shudder to run through me.

The three of us had been seated at the table together and I had first noticed that Viki's mannerisms had changed...she was eating with her left hand instead of her usual right hand and her normally straight posture was loose.

I had semi-casually noted this change out loud. Victor, however, had brushed it off while Viki had stared at me subtly in a way that felt a bit threatening...it had frightened me.

This had been the first clue of Viki's instability and had been the first indication I had felt that the father-daughter relationship was not a normal one.

I have the feeling that this was the primary incident that had ignited the long feud between Viki and myself, a feud that depleted both of our abilities to be fully there for our families and a feud that left deep, long-lasting scars on both of us and on both of our families.

•••••••••••••

Over the next couple of weeks, my guard with my therapist comes down as I see her twice per week.

I'm surprised to find myself discussing my stint at death row, my fear of losing my daughters, my years of the aching loneliness of being without my sisters, Melinda's death, of being on the "other side" of the Llanview elite clique as she mostly listens quietly.

She shows no shock, no judgment, but I can tell that she feels the impact that these happenings had on me.

It is the fourth session that the trauma, feelings of guilt for my part in all this and fear of it all comes rushing over me full force.

I shake violently and have a moment of fear that Viki or Clint are hovering outside or that I will run into Viki, Natalie, Clint or Tina or possibly Roxy or Asa on the way home.

Dr. Yardstein comes over and holds me gently, reassuring me that Viki is in custody and that Clint and Asa are dead and that it's not likely that any of the others from that crowd can make it to DC in any case.

I start to cry, partly in relief and partly from pent-up anxiety and I can't stop for at least ten minutes.

We both suspect that I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Oddly enough, after my tears slow, I feel better, which is unusual...until now, usually crying didn't make me feel better.

Dr. Yardstein and I decompress with me blowing my nose and telling her about my plans with Addie while she sits back in her chair with a soft smile.

My therapist gives me a pamphlet about post-traumatic stress disorder and its treatments.

We talk about the possibility of several treatments, including cognitive therapy or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing or EMDR for short.

And I am extremely thankful that she doesn't recommend pills as a treatment...those anti-anxiety pills and pills "for nerves" I spent years taking back in Llanview never helped me at all.