48 - Bitter Lies, Bitter Tears

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Y/N'S POV

Danbi looks at me and I look back at him, hugging him on my lap while I sit on the couch in the living room. The place is quiet and dimly lit, and I'm lost in thought. All my life I thought the moment I'd have my own dog would be the best thing in my life. Right now, I'm told he's my service dog but all I feel is utter sadness and pain. The bandages around his wound, the one he got when he pushed me away from the car that could have ended my life, make me feel guilty. Guilty for putting him in harm's way, guilty for not being able to protect him. His brown eyes look up at me with such trust and loyalty, and all I can do is bury my face in his fur and let the tears flow freely. 

"I'm sorry, Danbi," I whisper. "I'm so sorry." I almost lost him. The golden retriever that's been keeping me alive and healthy for all this time. I almost lost him because I'm a greedy and selfish person who thought love could win over anything. Because love, as beautiful as it is, is not going to fix everything. Love doesn't magically erase the pain or the mistakes we've made. It doesn't guarantee a happy ending, no matter how much we wish it did.

He nuzzles against me, offering silent comfort as if he understands every word I say. And maybe he does, in his own way. Maybe he knows that I need him now more than ever, that his presence is the only thing keeping me sane in this insane world. He's the only thing keeping me from ending up completely lost in my own thoughts and emotions.

Sunghoon is at work. He said my boss at my workplace is his friend and I'm allowed to take some time off work to focus on my recovery. I was on the edge of death, after all, going to work would only exacerbate the emotional toll I'm currently grappling with. But still, being alone with my thoughts is much more exhausting than I thought. All the plans, all the things I need to think of, the future that's waiting for me like a dark and uncertain abyss. They suffocate me.

I glance at the clock on the wall, watching the seconds tick by with agonizing slowness. I'm about to head to my room and pick up a book when someone rings our doorbell and I pause. Who might it be? I don't think anyone was scheduled to visit me today and Sunghoon isn't here. And yet, I rise from the couch, Danbi following closely at my heels before heading to the door. When I open it, two arms wrap around me and I'm enveloped in a warm embrace before I can even process what's happening.

Oh, Gosh, this is familiar. Her scent, her hair, her arms, her presence—everything about this embrace feels achingly familiar and I find myself breathing hard, holding onto her as if I've been waiting for her. She holds me tight and when I realize she's crying, worry shoots through me. "Y/N," She whispers when I pull back slightly to look into her eyes. 

"Areum-" I blurt out her name and she freezes. The two of us do, actually. She's staring at me with wide, teary eyes and I regret blurting out her name like that. This isn't what's supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to remember her name. I'm not supposed to let her know that I remember. But I can't help it. "I... you see-"

"You remember me." She says and there's no coming back. The way she takes a step back and stares at me as if I've betrayed her in the most unforgivable way makes my heart ache. "Y/N, how... I heard you didn't remember. I heard... but you remember." 

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." I stammer, feeling like I've just shattered something precious between us. And maybe I did. 

"You lied?" She gasps and I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the accusation in her voice. But she's so right and I can't deny it. Areum is right. I lied. I lied about losing my memories and I lied about not recognizing Sunghoon, the man I love so much I can't even bear to think about it. But admitting it now feels like ripping open an old wound, exposing the raw, painful truth that I've been trying so hard to bury. "Y/N, you fucking lied!" She pushes me and I say nothing. I let her cry and let her anger wash over me, knowing that I deserve every ounce of it. I lied for a reason, but I'm still a liar. I'm still a betrayer.

"I'm sorry, Areum, but I had to." Still, I'm not going to stand there and not defend myself. I'm not going to let her believe that my lies were malicious or intentional. "I have to protect myself. Someone is trying to kill me and if they know I still remember Sunghoon and we're still in love, they won't hesitate to come after me again. I couldn't risk putting myself or anyone else in danger," I explain, my voice shaky with emotion. "I didn't know who to trust, Areum. I woke up in that hospital bed with no memory, no idea of what was happening. I was terrified. And then everything hit me like a fucking truck. I didn't know who to turn to, who to trust. I couldn't even trust my own memories, they were so fragmented and hazy. So I did what I thought was best to protect myself and everyone around me."

Areum's anger softens slightly as she listens to my explanation, but the hurt in her eyes remains. "Do you even know how scared I was thinking you don't remember me anymore?" She lets out a shaky breath and shakes her head. "I'm so damn angry and hurt and yet, I'm so happy I feel like I want to hug you and never let go."

"Then hug me." My voice cracks and before I know it, she's wrapping her arms around me and this time I cling to her and bury my face against her shoulder. It feels so good to admit that I remember, even though I know it's going to make me end up broken into pieces. "I'm sorry, Areum. I'm so sorry." 

"Just promise me you won't end up hurt again," My breath hitches at her words because I can't promise her something I can't control. I can't lie to her more than I already have. And yet, and yet, and yet.

"I promise," I say, my voice barely above a whisper, and nod against her shoulder anyway, hoping that somehow, against all odds, I'll be able to keep that promise.

Kim Seoyoung is not the one who made me believe she's my best friend, I'm the one who manipulated her into becoming it. I'm the one who's going to play the game she started and I'm the one who's going to come out on top. Because if there's one thing I've learned while being in a coma, it's that I won't walk out of this alive if I don't play it dirty. So I'm going to lie and pretend and be the worst kind of person if it means keeping myself safe. If it means keeping Sunghoon safe. Our love story won't have any happy ending if we stay together. Love won't save us when Seoyoung's father is out for blood, when he's planning to destroy anyone who stands in his or his daughter's way. And right now, that includes me.

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