Saving Tally (last Book 6) Jacobs Broken Mercenaries

chapter 18

Tally 

It’s killing me. My feelings are all wrong and I’m disgusted with myself. I’m supposed to hate him. Loath him. 
I can’t. 
I sit on my bed, going over the events that transpired throughout the night. The things I did and let him do. It feels right and wrong all at once. Those things were very intimate and should be with someone you love and trust, but I feel neither of those things.
He’s not good for me, and will only hurt me.
But I can’t stop wanting him.
Worse, I don’t even think he’s evil. There! I admit it.
Sure he’s a self-centered, egotistical, manipulative, opportunistic; verging on the edge of sadistic person but he’s also: Driven, caring, attentive, passionate, receptive and… He loves me.
But does that mean I’m just as bad as him? Or are we both misunderstood? What is the definition of good and how is the person who defined it qualified to decide? Why should I or anyone abide by that said definition? 
What lies on the line of good and bad? And which side am I on? Both? Can that be possible?
So many questions! I drop my head against the wall, trying to clear the cobwebs. 
Right now he’s out there trying to be a part of the team; for me. Risking his life; for me. Trying to be someone he’s not.
For me.
I appreciate his commitment, but I’m not fooled by it. I know that’s not him and maybe I’m wrong to admit, but it makes no difference to me. Trust is the only thing that matters and he’s broken it. So what’s the point? Why with last night? Am I living in the moment or do I actually have hope? 
A knock on the door has me rolling my eyes. 
“Who and what?” Wow, that sounded bitchy even in my own ears.
Amanda pops her head in first, then fully enters, shutting the door behind her. She’s carrying donuts and coffee. My mouth waters when I realize how hungry I am. 
I wonder what it’s like to be her. To not eat but survive from only… I clear my throat, not allowing my brain to go there because all I can picture is Cole and me.
“I thought you might be hungry and since you're back to your prior self. I didn’t want you to starve.”
She’s aggravated by me! Unbelievable. 
“I know there’s a lot going on, but you’re my best friend, Tally. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
My cheeks redden at the idea of her knowing what we did, but there’s no way she would. So what is she talking about? I switch the subject.
“I thought Katie was your best friend?”
She tilts her head, looking up at me with a sour expression.
“Don’t think you're going to avoid the subject with a joke. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about… he’s very attractive and has that whole bad guy thing going for him. I get it.”
Oh.
My. 
Gods.
She knows. Kill me now!
“Does everyone know?” I shout.
She narrows her eyes and tips her head to the side as if studying me.
“Know what? Exactly.”
Shit! I shake my head and roll my eyes, getting up to look out the window. 
“I don’t know, really.”
I hear her shuffle behind me.
“Did you guys?” She asks, trailing off. I turn around and give her a look that says beyond a doubt that:
It is absolutely none of her business!
I’m not like her and I do not share my private moments with anyone. 
“We don’t always get to pick who we love. Sometimes our hearts know more than what our heads ever could, and that alone could possibly make us happy. Even if we think it’s unconventional.”
Wow, it’s simple, but not bad. Still, it doesn’t fit my situation since my heart seems to be quiet. It’s my body and my mind at war. I turn to her.
“Am I a good person Amanda?”
She makes a noise somewhere between shock and disappointment. 
“Of course you are! Why would you think any different?”
I shrug my shoulders, looking back out the window.
“Is this about Lucifer? Do you think you’re less of a person because you have feelings for him?”
Is that how I feel? She’s awfully perceptive. I don’t say anything. I don’t have to. She’s already sure of her judgment.
“Loving someone when Everyone else thinks they don’t deserve it doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything, it makes you exceptionally good because you can see the good in them where others can’t.”
I scoff. She’s laying it on awfully thick. 
“Thanks Amanda.” I tell her, truly meaning it.
“No problem. Tally?”
I look back at her and see the love she has for me clear as day. 
“Whatever you do or choose in life, know that I’ll never judge you and always support you. I love you unconditionally.”
I turn away as tears pool in my eyes once again. 
“Thank you.” I whisper in a broken voice, to strain to continue. This place is cursed. Even in hell, I wasn’t this conflicted…
The rest of the day is routine. I go through the motions void of feeling. Physically present but emotionally, I’m far away. I can feel Cole’s eyes on me whenever he’s near. It’s one of the times I’m aware. Like he’s an anchor, or maybe he gives me something I actually want to feel.
Even now his eyes heat my skin like a tender caress.
“You haven’t touched your food.” He says. Concern evident on his face. 
“I ate half a dozen donuts for lunch.” I tell him, not bothering to read his expression. 
“How did patrolling go?” I ask Austin, trying to take the attention away from me. I know everyone is looking at us.
“Good. We took down a group of demons driving them out of the city.” He says.
Great, a few out of thousands. Small feats, but it’s something. It works as my question starts detailed conversation around the table, far from the subject of me. In no time, I’m able to leave unnoticed by everyone, but him.
The moment I leave the room, Cole follows behind me. No doubt drawing attention. 
“We don’t have to be attached at the hip.” I growl in frustration. 
He smiles at me, only succeeding in angering me further.
“We don’t have too not be either.”
He’s not funny and I make that as clear as I can. Walking away. Cole grasps my arm, spinning me to face him.
“Are you worried about what they think?” he accuses. I don’t dignify it with a response, even though it’s part of my anger. That’s not it.
“It is, isn’t it?” he says, releasing my arm with a little shove. Cole runs his fingers through his hair. With a frustrated growl, he snaps, punching the brick wall hard enough to crush stone and possibly bones.
“I can’t believe you’re that shallow. Would you really pick your partner based on others’ opinions? Can’t you decide anything yourself?”
I smack him. It’s instantaneous. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to.
Grayson appears around the corner. Our yelling match is now the center of attention.  I’d rather be anywhere but here right now.
“What’s going on? Are you okay, Tally?”
Cole rushes Grayson, poking a finger in his chest. I’m expecting a brawl, but Grayson keeps his wolf in check, disappointing Cole and surprising me. 
“Her name is Tallisa.” Cole grates before walking out the front door. I lean back against the wall with a thud to my head and let out a long breath. 
“You know we’d accept anyone of your choosing, right? We’ve all had our crosses to bare when it comes to spouses.”
No, not him too? I push off the wall, leaving in a hurry, not at all in the mood to do any more sharing. I get it. They don’t care who I choose, but I do. I’m not about to declare my undying love over attraction, or because we just happen to understand one another.  I may not know what love is, but I happen to know trust is a part of it. Not to mention respect and comradery is a must in friendship so I’m pretty sure it is essential to love. Whatever they think they know, they’re wrong.