We're All Gonna Die

Chapter 4

TW//MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

Myles woke up in his room. He was surprised to wake up alone. Usually, when he relapsed Veronica and Kenny wouldn't leave him alone for too long.

He groaned as he got out of bed. The dressing on his leg was itchy, and he wanted nothing more than to take it off, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed to. He made his way to their room, as much as he didn't want to, Myles knew he couldn't avoid talking to Veronica and Kenny for long. He stood there, working up the courage to knock on their door while he could hear them arguing about what to do about the situation.

Finally, he knocked, and the voices behind the door quietened. "Come in, Myles," he heard Veronica say before he could think of turning away. He walked into the room hating the sad smile he received from the two.

Veronica gestured for him to go to her, and reluctantly, he did. She gently pulled him in to sit on her lap.

"Ronnie, I'm not little," he said quietly.

"I know, but you're still my kid. And you're never too old for cuddles," she replied as she wrapped her arms around him.

He smiled and relaxed into the embrace. He loved it when Veronica called him her kid.

"Ronnie, I'm sorry I-"

"Shh, it's okay. There's no need to apologise."

"I broke my promise," he whispered. "I promised I wouldn't."

"Myles, cariño it's okay. We're not mad. We shouldn't have let you make that promise." She caressed his hair, trying to calm him down. He looked over at Kenny, who was pacing at the other end of the room.

"You know you can talk to us, right?" Kenny asked abruptly.

"Yeah, I know."

"Then why? Why did you do it? I mean, you were clean. 2 months Myles. 2 whole months. Or was that a lie, too?"

"It wasn't a lie, I swear. I didn't mean to do it. I was just -"

"You didn't mean to do it?" Kenny asked, voice harsh. "The hell you mean didn't mean to?"

Myles flinched at his words. He wasn't used to his brother talking to him in such a harsh manner. He wanted to explain what happened, but his words seemed to get caught in his throat.

"Kenneth! That's enough. This isn't helping. You're scaring him. Let me talk to him, okay?"

Kenny froze he hadn't meant to come off as mean or scare him. He left the room to give the two some space to talk.

"He doesn't hate you," she said to him softly when the door shut, knowing what his mind could be like. "He's just worried. But I'm proud of you."

He looked at her with a confused look, "Why?"

"I'm proud of you for making it to two months. I'm proud of you for being here, and I'm proud of you for coming on your own to talk to us."

He started to feel overwhelmed, so he turned to hide his face in her shoulder. "Thank you," he whispered.

She smiled at him and ruffled his hair, "It's gonna be okay, baby. Do you want to talk about why you did it?."

He took a deep breath and started talking, "Sometimes I feel this strong need to be hurt. I don't know why I do half the time, I just enjoy the idea of being covered in injuries. It's not like, oh, I was having a bad day it helped. I like being hurt, crave it even, and sometimes I just don't want to get better. But then I look at you and Kenny, and I feel bad. I don't want to make you worried."

She hugged him tighter. She was glad he opened up, but this further worried her. "Oh kiddo, we're always gonna worry about you. It's our job. And for the craving, your brain probably needs the endorphins and adrenaline that come with it. Which is also one reason you get in trouble a lot. You enjoy it."

He huffed out a breath, "Stop psyching me."

She chuckled, "That's also my job, kid. We should talk about safer ways for you to deal with this. Do you want to do it with Kenny here?"

He shook his head no.

"Okay. That's okay. For starters, I would much prefer you get in trouble in school for skiving and giving lip."

"I'm not gonna get in trouble with you?"

"Depends on your reasons, kid. We could also get you into a sport. Rugby or MMA, for example."

"I don't know if I want to," he said as he fiddled with his fingers.

"It's okay. I don't expect you to come to a decision right now, but think about it, okay?"

He nodded in response.

"Now, what do you want to do? Do you want to go talk to Kenny?"

"Can we just stay here for a bit? I'm not ready to talk to him."

"Okay, baby."

The two stayed cuddled up on the bed, Ronnie hummed a song as she ran her fingers through his hair. Soon Myles had drifted off to sleep. Ronnie laid back into the bed and held him as he slept, wishing she could just make things instantly better for him.