I swear to god he's just a friend.
That's what I tell everyone yet they never believe me.
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Let's go back in time for context.
I met him in one of my classes and turns out we had 2 with each other that year. In our first class we had together, he was friends with the guy that was dating one of mine so our friend groups kind of were brought together. My friends were closer with them and I was, so I didn't talk to them too much.
The next class we had together, I started off with zero friends in that class so I kept to myself mostly. One random day, he was talking to my desk partner when he went to me to ask a question. He asked me if I knew someone. That someone ended up being one of my closest friends that I've known since I was about 4, so I of course said yes. Smiling, he muttered something like, "Sweet.." under his breath. At this point I knew. He was asking because he liked her. It was the only explanation. After that, he did something weird. He asks me if I have instagram and then pulls out his phone. Without asking me what my handle is or anything, he goes, "I'll find you through her followers, you do follow her right?" Her meaning my friend.
Weird asf. Yes? Yes.
After school I find that he's sent a request to follow me and he starts dming me after I accept it. As I suspected, he has a crush on my friend and we start talking.
At the start, our texts mostly consist of him swooning over something she did in class and me dismissing it. I told her and my other friends right away and we all found it pretty annoying. I played along though and talked to him whenever he texted, which actually started to be very common. At some point it turned daily and we were texting everyday.
At this point it should get obvious on why I would have to prove my point why I don't like him. Everyone saw how much I was texting this guy and immediately thought I had a crush on him. Why wasn't I dismissing him? Why wasn't I blocking him? Even after he moved on from my friend because me and her finally persuaded him that she doesn't like her back and she's not interested (we had to use a fake boyfriend at one point), why did I keep talking to him?
The thing is, I don't entirely know. For some reason, we just kept talking about anything and everything. School, his new crush, family life, everything. I found myself opening up to him things I've never told anyone. Why? Why confide in a boy? Over text? I don't freaking know ok?
Now, it's like we're online best friends. We don't talk at all during school. It is kinda my fault it never happens though because I'm a people pleaser. My friends still have a chip on their shoulder for him because we used to be really, really annoying. But now it's fine and I'm fully content talking to him. My friends are also the ones who think I like him so I feel like I have to make it kind of a secret that I'm talking to him.
Like cmon people. He's in love with someone else and I'm fully ok with it. I help him try and get the girl. I advise him on things to do because he needs that kind of guidance and I'm willing to give that. Now we've opened up to each other and even though we haven't, it seems like we've cried together and wallowed in self pity together. Now I can't let him go. One, because he has to many of my secrets and two, because he's hurt, like me and I'm trying to help.
Like I said, I hate for people to suffer in silence and I'd love to help anyone who needs it.
He needs it and I'm helping him. Why though? I still don't know.
Everyone thinks it's because I have a crush on him but I don't. Even my parents and sister think I have a crush on him. My sister thinks he's the only person I text. Ever. Not true, but that tells you something right?
Not ok? Yes. Concerning even.
I've even questioned myself. How am I only feeling platonically for him? He's a guy, not my type, but understanding and caring. Why has my brain never considered feelings for him? I'm really surprised at this point really. How? Why?
My brain has a problem. It seriously never stops. I think I have ADHD from time to time, but I've never been diagnosed so I don't know for sure.
So why have I decided to spill my anonymous thoughts onto Wattpad as if it's my diary? Why not? I think sometimes people resonating with other people can help in a way. I hope at least. But honestly I don't think this is going to get out to many people but that's ok. I'm happy with just writing.
So that's it for now, but I hope to continue writing.
Until next time,
- Charlotte :)
