Playlist for this entry because these songs have been how I'm feeling lately (I might make a full playlist on my TikTok too):
Ribs by Lorde
Another Love by Tom Odell
The Night We Met by Lord Huron
It's OK by Tom Rosenthal
Also any Billie Eilish song is perfect
It all started when I started thinking about university and college. Just where I'd like to go, where I'd apply, all that. Harmless right? I think about my future all the time. Where I'd be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, aspirations, all that.
Then an old crush and old friend's birthday went by and I started thinking. About everything. Past, present, future. What I did wrong in the past, why I can't seem to get closure, why I'm hooked on memories and memories only. I'm not even in contact with these people anymore, but the memories. The goddamn memories kill me every time. I was thinking, first year ever since we met that I didn't send my old crush a happy birthday text. Why? Because I don't have any means of communication with him anymore. I was thinking, does he miss it? Hell no. He probably forgot that I existed. As much as it pains me, I know it's the truth. But it's been so long since I was even his friend. Why is closure so hard for me? It's the fucking memories I don't want to let go of.
Past, present, future. Rethinking, overthinking.
Immediate future and far future. So many new opportunities just popped up for me in the span of like a week it's crazy. I could move into an accelerated program for school next year, a new season for cheer is going to start up in May, and of course, I'm still thinking about post-secondary.
With cheer (I do all-star cheer), I'm on the cusp of two levels. This season's been rough for so many different reasons that I won't go too deep into but I know I was held back for a reason and I think I might be or another reason. I almost want to punish myself and ask to be held back, since I didn't do as great as I normally do this season, but then it would be an even harder punch in the gut. Even though I'd ask for it and expect it, all my friends are slowly moving up and I'm stuck with all the youngsters. I'm a flyer so I'm used to being smaller and younger on my team but when I got held back and nearly all my teammates moved up, all the younger athletes moved up and for most of summer training I was basing instead. I'm as tall as my bases. It's a little crazy. If I were to be held back another year, would I be grounded to basing in the routine fully? I don't know because I know they need me as a flyer. I'm the only experienced one so I know most elite skills already. So to move up would be great but I don't think I'm fully ready. I like to blame it on myself, but sometimes it's my bases fault that I'm not doing the right thing in the air. There's only so much you can do as a flyer. You have no control over what's going on underneath you. So would I move up? I would love to, but I don't know if I can. I'm scared. Very scared for next season and this one hasn't even finished.
If I go for the accelerated program in school I'll get so much of a higher chance to get into a great university. My dream school is NYU (and it's definitely not bc of how many books I've read *hehe*) and being in the program would definitely up my chances of getting in. The thing is though, I don't know if I could handle the extra stress with those classes. More work, quicker deadlines, I can barely get through with my regular stuff. On paper, my grades look fine but it's the getting there part that kills me. My parents think I'll be fine and I could handle it; they did their accelerated programs at their schools and they did fine. Didn't turn out nerds. That's my other concern. My friends aren't... the nicest to me. Just because I read I'm a nerd. Like cmon. My other friend who's already in the accelerated program is labeled the biggest nerd ever just because she works hard and is smart enough to skip grades in math. I'm in awe while they tease. Like cmon. I care more about my social status than I should. I like having a good reputation in my school. I want to be known as a cool-ish kid, not popular but not invisible. Not a weirdo nerd who no one really knows. I'm a bit mean really. I do have opinions on other people's popularity and their personal perception to the world because I care about mine. I'm a little two faced, but that's just cause I'm a people pleaser. I hate myself for it, but that's how I am.
I think I should know why I've had more panic attacks than normal. I think I should know why I cry more. I don't think I know the definite cause. God, I hate the I don't knows.
- Charlotte
