Wander

Do Tell

I'm sick. I've been sick. For months now. I kept saying just for 3 but what the hell would I know? Im sick but no one should know. I don't want them to. It's for their own good. They can't help. I don't know why im sick or what sickness it is. But I know im sick. It's my body, of course I know.

My body first started to give up right before a school performance. I threw up. Got nauseous. I did my best to pick myself up and walk back up upstairs. She noticed. She always does. She caught me hyperventilating like a madman. She watched me unpack my pills. Drink twice the original dose. She watched me cry. Watched my chest bob up and down more than how a regular person breathes. She hugged me. I loved it. It calmed me down just a bit. Why just a bit? She was scared. I could tell. She was ready to call for help once it got too bad. I didn't like that. She was worried. i didn't want her to be. I knew I was sick, I knew this could go on a long time.

"Would you leave me if I cheated on you?"

I asked her that. Plenty of times. It didn't make anything too obvious. It didn't make her question me why. Im glad. Because if she asked I would've told her. I would've said

"im sick and I wanna lose you so you won't get hurt when it turns out bad."

I could lose anyone in the world later, but she had to leave first. It broke my heart when she finally admitted I was losing her. She was losing me too, not out of love. But it was the only way. I wanted to get better. But nothing was working. I got sicker everyday. She was still fighting. She needed to stop. It would hurt her more.

So I had to do it. She answered "yes." After all. It was the only way. Now im even sicker. But she doesn't care anymore. It's better this way. It won't cause her pain. I try my best not to show her how sick I am. I really don't want her to find out how bad it is. I don't want her involved. She doesn't have to be. I'd do anything to keep her out of that office. I ruined more than my reputation for her. I'd do a whole lot more. That includes pushing her away to keep her safe.