His Scandalous Bride

24: Letter 8

December 12th, 2008

I'm sorry.

These are the words I have been hearing the most lately yet strangely, they are the words I yearn for the most in this absence that fills your silence in my life.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jiddah.

I'm sorry.

I know, they are wretched. I know, they are useless. I know, they are stupid. However, these wretched words are all I want from you, and perhaps all I have left from him, in these wretched times. These stupendous words which stretches like the curse of witches in ancient tales across every inch and edge that makes and unmake me as I shatter and mend, mend and shatter, in no specific order, with each breathe I draw are all I have left from woven dreams and knitted nightmares I wear in these terrible times.

Don't misunderstand. I am not unhappy even if I am not happy. It may seem crazy but it's the truth. Jiddah complains. Jiddah is sad. Jiddah is vengeful. Jiddah is accusative. Jiddah must be depressed. But Jiddah is not just these things. She's a variable. Whole yet in parts and patches. Full yet raw and empty. A constant. A rumor. A thought. A history.

But if you must know, it is because it's today. Because it's you. You might not know this but there are a lot of things I can only do today and they are all about you. I can only think of you today, I can only miss you today. I can only hate you today.

December 12th.

1212

Double12

Twin12

It has to be today. It must be today; the beginning of the end. And the day we met for the first time.

There's a list. The forbidden out loud words and thoughts.

1. I love you. AK

2. I miss you. AK

3. I hate that I can never hate you. AK

And there's the list. The forbidden out loud words and thoughts.

1. Where are you?

2. Are you happy?

3. Do you still think about me?

I won't lie. I want answers. I want to scream these truths at the top of my lungs. But what I want most is those wretched, stupid, useless words;

I am sorry.

Yours,
JAY.