Not Today - Twenty One Pilots

|-/ Chapter Five |-/

Swish.

Tyler jogged forward, grabbing his basketball that fell through the net and hit the ground, dribbling it around himself for a few seconds before quickly shooting it back into the hoop.

His face was sweaty and his clothes were damp. Tyler had been playing for only about half hour, but he was already tired. The teen dribbled the ball between his legs several times as he backed away from the net, his face concentrated and solemn from focusing on what he could do best.

Basketball had been what Tyler called his "identity" ever since he had signed up for the sport back in middle school. He quickly excelled and he realized that this was something that he could be identified by and that he wasn't just a 'nobody' at his school anymore.

They sky had turned to dark shades of pink and orange as the sun set steadily over the distant treeline, and the clouds appearing like cotton candy were dabbed throughout the evening twilight. The shadows had begun to grow taller as night grew near, sending the kids in his neighborhood home one by one. And as Tyler dribbled the familiar grooved ball in his hands, his mind was a little fearful of what was to come.

Night was never a pleasant time for Tyler. As he played in his driveway, he looked over his shoulder several times into the darkness of the woods, swearing that he saw something a couple of times lurking on the edge of the tree line. But whenever he did a double check, it was always gone.

Shivers up his spine sent Tyler into a nervous state and how he hated himself for being frightened of silly things in the dark.

Stupid.

The basketball slipped out of his sweaty and shakes hands. Tyler knew that it was time to go inside. He knew his mind was starting to overthink.

Time had passed faster than he realized for the sky was now much darker and the ground had become a blanket of blackness surrounding Tyler's house and street. But as Tyler stood there, his eyes darting anxiously around and his mind screaming for him to rush inside, he just couldn't bring himself to it.

I wish everything could just end, his thoughts raced.

I wish that I wasn't so worthless.

I wish that I knew what my purpose is.

Crickets chirped repeatedly in the distance and the smell of summer night's air met Tyler's nostrils.

Why is everyone against me? Tyler thought, swallowing. Why do people hate who I am? Why do I hate who I am? Who am I really, anyway?

A nobody.

A worthless piece of dirt who doesn't know what to do with his stupid life.

The darkness had become more permanent and Tyler's body was now trembling from his overthinking. He shook his head and brushed through his hair.

He felt suffocated. Like he was quietly drowning while everyone just stood over him, staring at him, wanting him to disappear forever because nobody truly cared about him.

Tyler was thinking too much.

And he couldn't stop the small tear that slipped out of his eye.

"I hate this life," he muttered nervously. "Somebody... Help me."

|-/

The teen found himself in his room, Zack already asleep since it was 1:36 am. This was early for Tyler. And as he sat in his bed with paper and pen in hand, he knew it was going to be a long night.

He stared at what he had written in messy ink on the lined paper beneath his forearm. These lyrics had been left for a few months and Tyler felt like he should finish it now that he felt more of what he had been feeling when he first put down those words.

I won't take much of Your time,
I just want You to see
What I have made, inside these lines...

When Tyler read this part, his chest became tight and his stomach churned ever so slightly. He timidly turned his left arm over and stared intently at the three, faint scars which sat in a row along his wrist. The old slits were starting to fade to the point where he could where short sleeves, but Tyler knew that they would never fully go away.

The teen stared sadly at his arm. It had been almost three months since the first time he ever self harmed. He reflected on that bad night, a Sunday night to be specific. Tyler had never felt so worthless in all of his life until then and he had unfortunately taken the pain out on himself. He didn't want to go to school the next morning and deal with all the stress of life and how insane it all was, and he was so confused on what our purpose was or even if we have one. Tyler didn't even want to get up that morning, it was too painful. It was just too much for him and he felt himself falling apart. Tyler wanted it all to end that night. But after the third time, as red liquid seeped slowly down his skin and tears in his eyes, Tyler knew this wasn't the way out even though his mind was screaming and torturing him that it was.

Something inside his heart that night suddenly burst, like a soda can being popped open. Tyler suddenly remembered what the pastor of his church had said in his sermon earlier that day.

"Never give up on the Lord, for He never gives up on you."

For Tyler, this was something he had been struggling with for a long time. Why God had put him here on this earth and why he was feeling so lost and empty from Him confused Tyler. He felt like God had given up on him.

While dawn was cracking that morning, Tyler ran through the forest behind his house until he collapsed onto the cold, hard ground. Tears streamed down his pale face as Tyler clutched his stomach. He didn't even know why he had just done that, but he felt so alone he couldn't take it anymore inside his stuffy room.

With a quiet, hoarse voice, Tyler repeatedly screamed out "Save me!" as he lay there in the dirt, his red eyes darting up to the blinking stars above, his hands clenching the dirt and rocks in the ground. He called out to God so many times that night that he lost his voice. He just wanted God to save him from himself.

Tyler sighed heavily and glanced back to his paper to finish the paragraph.

It's as good as I can be,
This is all that I can be...

Tyler felt like the best of him was only when he was in his worst moments. And he hated himself for that. Why couldn't he be what he wanted to be? Why did he always make such wrong mistakes and decisions in his life? Why couldn't he be a better brother and a better son?

Head tilted down, knees on the ground,
I will ask, "please, save me!"

Tyler tapped his pen against his slightly scruffy chin as he swallowed. He needed to be saved.

He needed God.

No, you don't, His mind taunted.

He didn't help you before.

What makes you think He'll help you now?

Tyker shook his head to rid his dark thoughts as he wrote down the rest of the lyrics.

Why did everything have to be so hard?

|-/

Not that great of a chapter, I'm sorry, but I needed to get this out.

Thank you guys for reading!

Stay strong <3

~Zøe