Clover hearted

Unreality

A short chapter capturing my struggles with hallucinations.

TW: Hallucinations, psychosis

Voices

And everywhere I find myself I hear them, louder than life they demand my attention.

Voices of people I've never met, people I used to know, and those I love deeply.

Voices of calm reassurance, loving good mornings, and details of what they will do to me when they find me.

Voices holding me and calming me, voices telling me to commit suicide, and voices telling me I couldn't be wanted any less.

Voices telling me my noise takes up too much space, voices confidently reminding me I'm doing my best, and voices telling me I won't make it.

Voices acting like a shield from the rain, voices reading me bedtime stories, voices telling me jokes, voices that defy and redefine what I believe to be reality.

Comforting voices, soft spoken voices, kind voices, berating voices.

Today

It doesn't look quite right because my eyes lie to me and nothing looks quite right, I am yet to put words to the exhaustion of a reality that is endlessly distorted.

You and I can laugh in a way that is real but I am too far away to ever know you, you can sink into my skin and we will still be strangers.

Yesterday, last week, and last month are unable to be recalled or known to me as the only place I live is the now that will soon be abandoned in memory.

I tell you that I believe myself to have schizophrenia because normal people don't hallucinate this much and in that moment I am reminded that normal people don't hallucinate at all.

I have a sense of never understanding if I am awake or asleep and existing with hallucinations that are louder than reality.