My Red

Echoes of love lost

Not sure how they got here
He said "not meant to be together" sounded clear
She knew he wasn't cheating she knew all the way
But she wondered what made him say
Tears rolling down her face
No words, just a straight face

As she goes back through her things
Puts them in a container so she doesn't break again
Zips up the bag with pictures and her light
Just in case she has any ideas, she glues it tight

But oh how she goes back to her back up safe place
In her mind the memories rewind
Oh how she remembers the safety that wrapped around her fear of hanging onto his arm
How she remembers the love in his eyes Ike again being born

Oh how she remembers office hours he waited and waited
Stayed with her, so patient
Oh how she remembers leaning her head on the desk, his hand on it so it wouldn't harm her
Oh how she remembers the inside jokes and crying in his arms
She remembers the late phones calls crying her heart out to him

She remembers the hugs she ignored and the hugs she adored
She remembers the tears about him she shed and rubbing each curly hair on his head
She remembers the attitudes she let out and how much she missed him she expressed loud
She remembers the poems he and she shared
He wasn't a "poet" but he cared

She remembers the times he was mad but understanding
She remembers the times he was sad but little expressing
She remembers the tears she once caused
She experienced his wrath, "were breaking up"

She remembers their apple juice and the food
She remembers the candy and chips and calling each other monkeys in a zoo
She remembers the support his shoulder once had to her head

She remembers the day his words slowed down because of him visiting his college/camp
She didn't care but deep down she didn't want to loose him
Distraction texting her phone but she just wanted her sweet love

She remembers she smell of his cologne
She remembers smelling it in random places and her smile shined bright, alone or not alone
She remembers the disappointment look on his face when she knew her fault
She remembers the smile on his face when she would just talk and talk and talk

She experiences the lonely nights even though they don't sleep together
She experiences the tears... gosh so many tears
She experiences walking past her sweet love in the hallway as if they are complete strangers
She experiences her broken heart each day

She prays, she prays and she cries to God so weak and so tired
Just wanting him to come back home
Back to his arms
Back to the beginning, the start
Be on fire for each other like they were
Let prayer be the center like it was
Let them be happy and honest

She's cried out to her savior once before like this
She couldn't believe it had happened again

Her wrist couldn't help but to cry too.

She made a promise to him but it was broken when
He called quits and told her it was finished

She remembers the nights she couldn't go to sleep without him
She remembers him falling asleep, once again
She remembers a day would pass, sleep once again
Cheating was never a thought, her surroundings pushed it in her brain
When she brought it up he said "I'm not cheating, I'm sorry for the pain"

She remembers every little thing she shared to him about
She remembers he would nod his head, and understand
She remembers even people she could speak without being mean
He was her safe place, she was always free

But now that he's gone it's just her and she
He explained "you can still talk to me"
But who ever believes that sentence geez...

Her friends tried to be there for her but she had no words to say
Just tears taking her place

One hug and she was done
They say God always wins, he does but she's confused on this battle, who has won?
She doesn't doesn't ask "God why"
She just wish the moment would repeat where they were not dimmed, but love and light

When she listens to her music and closes her eyes
She continues to thinking about him to admire
She gains a simple spark in her heart.

Thinking of him pouring his heart out to her
Expressing how much he loves her
Says he's sorry for hurting her
Spends the rest of his life with her

But she is afraid this is the end
She doesn't think it completely but she's sitting still
She refuses to think this
Even though her mind is in a bliss
Even though her lungs and skin are coal
Even though her heart is turning to stone
Even though her words can barley come out
She says NO this is not where we put the fire out

Space? we've come so far and you just want to stop dealing with me?

this hurts her deeply

if she makes the forever decision then will it be worth it?

forever decision: she'll stop living because she can't do it

all the weights she's lifted didn't prepare her for this

she is crawling for the armor of God but she continuously misses

her eye sight is blurry from all the scratches

her arms are flooded and weak from all the attacks

Her birthday is near, whohoo, the special day

she just cant cant wait.

I lied.

She just cant. 

she doesn't know how much longer she can hold

she doesn't know much much more she  can take

if she even makes it to that day;

She doesn't have the strength to argue with anybody

she doesn't have the strength to fuss

she doesn't have the strength to speak up

she doesn't have the strength to get angry even with things that would normally snap her

"so now do you see what you've did to me, my heart, my mind, my soul; my drowning soul."

Wait for another day, in her bed she can drown and lay

Renew her wrist, wait till they fade, and renew them worse

think,

gosh how this young woman thinks.

and all He is doing is standing back.... and watching.