Today In:

Percy Grows Cold

I let out yet another sigh. Why do I need to sigh yet again, I'm sure you're wondering. Well, I wish I knew.

"You do, you just don't want to say it."

Thanks, Jack. I narrow my eyes in slight annoyance but he's right. I don't want to talk about it. Who in their right minds would want to talk about their own mothers regretting birthing them? Who'd want to talk about being made to choose between themselves and their family? Who would want to talk about their weaknesses that they're not ready to deal with? Nobody. Nobody wants to talk about the scars they have because everyone who has them hides them.

It's another long day and I'm always tired these days. Mentally stressed and tired, it shows physically. And now I'm so lazy that I'm hurting the people around me. It's not that I don't want to make plans but I never do and sticking to them has never been my strong suit. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to listen to you and take your advice but I don't see the point in doing something, making plans I know I'll fail to keep. Promises I know I'm going to break. It's pointless. It's like I'm trying to draw a triangle with a broken pencil. Or painting without paint.

"You know, it's not all that bad. It's all about how you see things..."

"I know you're trying to cheer me up but I wish you wouldn't talk about perspective, whoever you are." I say, too tired to even try and locate the character talking. Sounds like a woman though. A mother figure. Meh.

"No, really. I mean it. Perspective changes everything."

"I know, I was just talking about it with my friend yesterday. An ending is just a beginning for something else. I know these things, but as they said, the pain is still inescapable."

"Are you in pain, Percy?" I hear the question being asked. I think about it for a while. Am I? I'm not in any physical pain, aside from the muscle aches and the occasional slight headache here and there, but otherwise I'm fine.

"You do know there are other kinds of pain, right? God, why do you have to be so literal sometimes, it sounds so dumb."

And there we go again. I roll my eyes. How I'm able to keep up with this, I have no idea. I sigh again. I'm so tired. The hay fever is killing me. I don't understand how the body can reject something as harmless to it as pollen, and make us deal with it for months. But hey, a few more weeks and it's over so yay, I guess.

I go to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water. My throat hurts as I down the glass but I try to ignore it with a small wince. Rinsing out the glass and placing it on the rack, I pull out my phone on my way back to my room. I decide to text Zeke, but as soon as I text his name, I feel apprehensive about it and just leave it hanging. He doesn't respond immediately, which I'm grateful for but also a bit sad because he usually does. I don't know what to say. Hi, I'm down, wanna cuddle? I can hear Jack scoff in my head and I actually agree with him. It's tiresome not knowing what's pulling you down and trying to figure it out. It takes up a lot of energy and time, I keep zoning out. Speaking of, I catch myself spaced out on my bed and pull the blanket over me. My feet are surprisingly warm so I leave them outside.

I look up to the starry sky through my window and hope to see a shooting star. But what would that mean to me. I remember a poem I like, about not knowing the cause and just calling it pain. I know what that's like, I have known for years what that's like. I honestly wished things would be different by now but I'm still watching my life spiral downwards and not doing anything about it. I know what I need to do but I don't do it. I can't help but wonder, when will the willpower to change my life come around?

I'm losing touch with the world around me. Things seem unreal sometimes, like my life is a dream. But not in a good way. Nothing is stimulating anymore, not as much as it used to anyways. I pause Frozen just as Elsa runs away from the castle. See, she did it so easily and continued to build herself a whole new castle right in her element. She was unstoppable.

"But was she happy?"

I mean, maybe for a while she was, until news of home found her. That's the thing about family. They never leave you alone, even when you leave them. They hurt you, then they find you. They still love you and you love them still, or something like that Zeke said. I love my family. I'm too much for them and I don't do enough, and they can be too much for me and also lack in some aspects,  "but we help each other fill those gaps."

I sigh again and look at the ceiling. I don't know what to say or do. I feel stuck. I feel alone but I know I'm not. I feel cold despite all the warm hands around me. Maybe it's the hands around me that are taking away from me. Taking what, I don't know. Living up to expectations is tough, especially when I can't live up to my own. I wish life could be simpler, but then I'd be so bored so I guess that would be a downgrade. I chuckle to myself.

"Life. Funny how it works, isn't it?"

"Yeah... I mean, one day I'm as happy as a clam-"

"And the next day you're darker than rain clouds in June. Yeah, it sucks right?"

"It does, it really does..." I hear a soft knock on my door but decide to ignore it, hoping whoever it is goes away. As much as I'd love to chatter, I just want to be alone right now. I know it's not good to isolate yourself but sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm better off alone. And don't give me that humans are social beings banter, I know all that. But riddle me this, if humans are as social as you calm them -us- to be, then why in the world do we try to be alone?

I feel numb. Cold. Alone. Maybe it's better this way. Easier than going through all those emotions when they're available. It doesn't take the toll it takes when I feel everything. I catch myself smiling. It sounds like a commercial, and a good one at that.

Apathy. The solution to all your problems! Try it today!