Twisted Marriage

34

Alessandra Capello
Trust is one of the few things I don't feel easily.
It doesn't grow on me just like that.
It needs time. Actions. Words. And when it's built up, it becomes stronger than ever. Or so I thought.

Yet. It just crumbled two days ago when I was taken away, it was demolished. Fucking destroyed. And maybe the problem is that I understand, I look too much into things.

Into people, to understand when they're lying and when they aren't, and Rio isn't, but neither am I, I just can't trust him over again just like that, maybe it's an exaggeration, maybe it's over dramatic, over sensitive. Over the fucking top.

I can't help the thoughts spreading through my mind, and maybe it's due to the fact that I grew up around sharks who were out for my blood and I never allowed myself to bleed.

Too independent, too scared, too terrified to let go. To trust, to just be. And when I finally did. It didn't turn out pretty.

"I fucking love you."

Rio's aggressive tone comes back to me, the words wreaking havoc in my heart, tightening it to the point of pain, he'd said that yesterday's night, when he said everything. When I heard him out.

I look up from my mug, staring up at his blue eyes, they're all masked now, his expression neutral, his features strict in place, and not a single reaction in his face that could let go of his emotions.

Today, I'm taking a decision.

To stay. Or to leave. Those are the options I have in mind. Both terrify me. "What if I leave?" I suddenly ask, he leans back in his seat, "You won't." He says, it's not out of arrogance, or even sureness, no, it's a decision. It sounds like one.

I glare at him, "I will if I want to." I retort, "Like fuck you think I'll let you go." He says in a calm manner that betrays his eyes that are raging with fire, "So you'll kidnap me?" I ask aggressively.

Eyes wide, he's insane, or absolutely stupid, "Call it whatever it is in your head, but get that in your mind, Alessandra." He leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees, and I realize that Rio Volkov is giving me a death glare.

Which I try to return with a simmering one of mine, "You're my wife, you're my property, maybe that's fucked up in one's dictionary, maybe if I was a gentleman I would let you go, too many fucking maybes. And I never claimed to fall in that category. You want to be mad, yell, hit, and scream at me. You want to be sad. Cry, even when the sight of your tears is one I never want to see, I'll hold you in my arms while you do so. You want to be happy, I'll be there with you. Watching you look so fucking beautiful while you smile. Whatever scenario you have in mind for the upcoming future, include me in it cause you aren't leaving my side. And I'm sure as fuck not leaving yours."

Speechless is an understatement, and the thing is, I don't know if it's in a good or bad way. I'm just speechless. My mind is whirling.

Tears clouding my vision, "It's hard for me to trust you again, Rio." I strangle out, my voice breaking, chin quivering, his eyes soften, his chest rising harshly with deep breaths.

"Time will change things. You were a part of my plan, Alessandra, but this plan was when I was no one. When I was in some ways inhuman. In some ways unemotionally available. In some ways it felt like I never lived. And I didn't know that until I met you, you changed my life, damn it, you wrecked it with your smartass insults at first then with your laughs and smiles at the end." He breathes out, cutting eye contact with me.

My heart is screaming at me. But I'm a coward, I'm scared, I'm scared it'll never feel the same again with him, with the only man I ever let my guard down with, with the only man I ever loved.

"I don't want to lose that. I'm not fucking losing you, till death do us apart, remember?" He raises an eyebrow but the thick emotions in his tone are what break me, "It was not a real marriage." I shake my head. My words a soft whisper.

He narrows his eyes "It wasn't. But you can't tell me that there's anything but real about this. About us. That stupid flutter of my heart whenever you laugh, or whenever you enter the room, that sting of jealousy and the need to kill every single bastard who gets his eyes on you, the urge to hold you close, protect you, comfort you, assure you that no one will ever come near you. That urge to destroy your father whenever I hear you screaming in your nightmares or when you tremble in my hold? That's real. It's real, Alessandra, it's real to the point that it's maddening." He chokes out. His own emotions catching up to him.

His eyes tearing up. It's a sight I never wanted to see, I never expected to. "What do you want me to do, darling? Anything but you leaving, you're staying." His tone turns gentle, and he looks up at me, tears fall down my cheeks silently.

"And no wanting me dead, it's out of the list." His failed attempt to make me laugh only makes me cry harder, "Shut up." I murmur under my breath. Hiccuping, "I just—don't know." I break.

My voice quivering. He looks like he wants to hold me but stopping himself, digging his hands in the cushions. "I don't know anything, Rio, I don't want what's between us to be any different than before, I'm just so scared that it'll feel different, I—don't want it to feel different." I wipe my tears.

"So you leave? That's your other option? Giving up on us?" He asks, his eyebrows furrowed, "Don't make me the bad guy here, it's just that maybe if I leave things on the great terms, the memory will be better than what we'd go through, I don't want to sleep beside you one night and feel unsafe, like I'm doubting myself, maybe it's mostly on me and my fucked up self, but it's just who I am. And I don't want to lose that image I have of you, in my mind, maybe the memories will be better." I choke out, closing my eyes. Not wanting to see his reaction.

"I don't want to lose the Rio I fell in love with. The one I still love." I whisper under my breath, confessing my love for the first time. It feels freeing, and heartbreaking for some reason.

I open my eyes, he exhales harshly just like I suck in a breath, as if a thunderstorm struck us both "I love you." I say, one tear slides from his eyes, before the other follows, cracking my heart with it.

My fingers itch to wipe those tears away like he did with mine, "I love you as well, Alessandra which is why I'm not letting you go, and it's nonnegotiable. You have to fucking give it a chance, you can't bail out, I'm in no way putting the blame on you, I'm in the wrong, but if you choose the easy way out then I won't be the only one who made a mistake here." He insists.

Repeating his words in a better form, "How do you know that I'll trust you again?" I ask, wondering my doubts, his eyes harden, "I don't, but as I said, I'm not letting you go." He leans back with that. Decision made.

"Okay." I gulp, defeated but relieved, so no divorce, something about him being so persistent about not letting me go warms something inside me, maybe mend things I never thought would heal inside of my heart.

"Okay." He breathes out, his eyes scrutinizing me, "I'll give you all the space you want. But no divorce. Till death do us apart, wife." He emphasizes the words and a breath is uncontrollably wrenched out of my lungs at that.

My tears dry, my breathing slowing down again. Eyes locked on Rio's. Not a single word exchanged. Just the thickness of the tension prickling the air between us.

The intensity knots the bottom of my stomach, sparking fire in there, building pressure, but I just stay where I am, raising my chin, "Till death do us apart." I promise. And he smiles. Even when I see the concern in the irises of his eyes.

We have a lot to unfold. And even more to confess. Talks, murmurs, assurances will be exchanged, not now though, now I need calmness, I need quiet. Maybe that's what I've always needed. And Rio has always been the source of that calmness.

But now. I need space. To breathe anything but him. To not let him wreck my thoughts. Because I just know. That deep down, I'll never let go of this man. Even when my mind isn't on that radar. My heart just is. And now. I'm letting it win.

A vote is really appreciated.