BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2018

Chapter 1- A Different Type of Response

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January 9th, 2018:

The year had not started as well as I'd have wanted. We flew back to Korea on the 1st and the boys were busy rehearsing for the Golden Disc Awards and 4th Muster. My sling had been removed on the 8th and I'd spent two days filming for 4th Muster since I hadn't been able to in December when the boys had filmed. It was a really cute concept of a Memory Factory, shot in a Wes Anderson type of way, subtly setting ARMY up for Magic Shop which Bang PD had told me was a shoe-in for the next album. Each of us had a role in this Memory Factory, and mine was of the deliver, packaging the cotton candy memories assembled by the boys to be shipped off to ARMYs in need. I was filmed acting cutely in an all-white assemble in a cute pastel pink room filled with tape, boxes, and cloud-like box filler. Despite having been cleared to remove the sling, we still had to be very careful about my movement and I wasn't allowed to lift anything so the director was going to have to do some magic editing to make it seem like I'd done some heavy lifting.

While I was going to attend the 4th Muster, I wasn't going to perform any of the songs, which included the debut stage performance of songs like Best of Me, Dimple, and Pied Piper which I was really, really upset about missing. Given this was their first time being performed, I felt like it would look like it was meant to just be the seven boys performing. I was scared I was being left behind. Of people thinking the boys looked good with it just being them, that this was the natural way to have them performed. I hadn't even really memorised the choreography given I'd been injured for over a month now.

On top of all of that, Twitter was alight with rumours and hate of me. The Bad B*tche's group name was receiving mixed reactions, not only from ARMY but also from fans of G-Friend, BlackPink, and EXID. What I felt was the majority loved it and found it funny, while a vocal minority thought it was in bad taste and a really bad name to be associated with. Overall, however, it seemed Mamamoo fans were pretty chill about it. It'd be a lie if I said I wasn't a bit jealous about that.

Additionally, someone had tweeted something along the lines that I was very different in the live I did on the 27th (ie, more vocal and open) and I was only doing this now since we were becoming famous, and I was only now thus getting invested. That now BTS had the attention, I was capitalising on it. They made a whole image and video collage of apparent evidence. This had caused a huge storm on Twitter with some agreeing, being joined by fans of other groups that hated on BTS, and retaliations of those vehemently disagreeing with the poster. This whole situation kind of flabbergasted me since I'd been shamed for taking all the attention during the BBMAs so either that had all been wrong because then I couldn't only now be capitalising on the attention I supposedly had no role in making. People really seemed to love to hate for the sake of hating. Being stuck at home most of the time, it was hard not to get dragged to social media and see the whole fight unfold. It absolutely sucked to still be having discussions like this in 2018. I tried to look like I was taking this as a bad, funny joke, but it was still affecting me. I was tired of being the target of so much hatred. What more did I have to do for these people to leave me alone? I seriously thought we were past this, but thankfully, it seemed newer fans were on my side not really understanding where these rumours could be coming from. The behind-the-scenes video of my time in Vegas had been released and I was hoping this would help squish the idea that I didn't work or that I wasn't invested.

Aside from this, work on the album had moved forward quite a bit. We'd finally agreed on the songs that would make up the album given I'd initially sent twelve songs which Bang PD felt was just too much for my first solo album. I had so many plans and visions for this album, but I needed to tone it down slightly given I wouldn't actually be promoting it since we only promoted group work. Nevertheless, we'd agreed on eight songs, a title, a cover, and the concept of the two music videos. The first, and main, music video, for Queen of Peace, was going to be an animation, while the other one, for Past the Heavens, was going to be a collage of pictures and videos from when I was younger matched with "behind the scene" type videos of me now, several with my sister. While those with my sister were obviously going to be directed, several of those of just me were true films either shot by the company at various times or by me. I'd fought hard to have one other song added, but the company felt it was too forward. I couldn't help but feel they didn't like some of the lyrics which mainly targeted their initial demands of me. While it wasn't necessarily obvious, it wasn't hard to connect the dots if you knew my history. I was determined to get it released at some point, however. Whether it was now or in five years, this song was going to see the light of day. I felt I deserved it to and I'd made that very clear to Bang PD as he sat uncomfortably in his chair.