The following day, Taylor forced down her breakfast, determined to get the precious video call with her Mum. At lunchtime, the nurse informed Taylor that Tree would be 10 minutes late so she sat with her for the start of the meal. When Tree arrived, she rushed in – flustered at being late. The nurse slipped out, leaving them alone – Tree glanced over the plate, realising that Taylor was already making good progress with the meal "Hey honey – how are you?" Taylor nodded, swallowing her bite of food "I'm ok"
Tree frowned "you seem a little subdued ...the doctor said you've been very quiet today?"
Taylor looked up at her then nodded "I...I'm exhausted. This battle is exhausting. I haven't got the energy to do anything – no writing, no singing. I am just existing right now. It's like I've been unplugged and my battery is dead. This is no life"
Tree was grateful for the honesty – knowing that it was a step forward in Taylor's recovery to admit how hard everything was, but it still hurt to hear her say it. She sat next to Taylor on the bed "right now – it is hard. But this is why you need to recover. You need to get back to singing and writing and being happy. I know it feels impossible right now – but you know you will get back there."
Taylor nodded "I just don't know how". Tree held her hand "By continuing to fight those voices. The last few days – now you are actually eating, I have seen glimpses of the real Taylor back and it is amazing to see. You have to continue to realise those voices are untrue. You have to find a way to fight against them – to ignore what they are telling you to do and to listen to everyone around you instead. You have to trust us that we are not trying to sabotage you, we are trying to help. When you give in to that – when you ignore them and listen to us and your healthy brain, then everything will start to fall into place again."
Tree's words brought tears to Taylor's eyes again "It's so exhausting to try and recover", Tree nodded "but it's even more exhausting to be sick Taylor. It is exhausting and you will lose out on things you love. You fight to recover, you get better – and it won't be so hard anymore. You just have to push through to get there. Have you thought about trying antidepressants again?"
Taylor scrunched up her nose "I hated them last time..." Tree nodded "I know – but maybe we could try a different one? It wouldn't have to be forever – just to get you through this hard bit..."
Taylor thought about it "Maybe I could give it another go...if I am in here anyway then all the side effects will be over before I get home?" Tree smiled widely "Great point, let's speak to the doctor about it later?" Taylor agreed and then slowly but surely finished off the rest of her meal. She continued to push through the discomfort, forcing herself to have dinner too. Just as Tree was about to leave for the evening she turned back to Taylor "You have done AMAZINGLY this last couple of days. Keep it up and you'll be speaking to your Mum tomorrow!" Taylor smiled widely, excited about the call already – she knew there was no way she was going to mess this up and miss out on this opportunity.
The following morning, Taylor got up and dressed – brushing and braiding her hair neatly to try and look a bit more put together. She forced down her breakfast then sat trying to work out how many calories she had actually eaten over the last few days. She began to spiral then remembered what everyone said at the beginning – just because you can know the calories, doesn't mean you should. So she decided to try and tune out all the numbers – knowing that it wouldn't be helpful for her to know.
She managed to pass the rest of the morning, waiting impatiently until lunchtime when Tree appeared. Before she had even sat down Taylor asked her "when can we ring Mum?"
Tree smiled softly "did you eat breakfast?" Taylor nodded "yeah, everything!"
Tree nodded "ok great. You need to have lunch and then we will call", Taylor groaned, wanting to do it now but Tree shot her a glare so she settled down, waiting for her lunch to be brought in. She ate it quickly, ignoring the screaming voices in her head – knowing it was a necessary evil if she wanted to speak to her Mum.
