vent

2 0 0

by BRUN0M4RS

by BRUN0M4RS

I say I love certain people but those same people make me want to go to a private room and cry. They make me wanna cry the moment they speak. I swear my cousin. My relative. The girl kinned to me. Started pointing out my insecurities. My friend always assumes things. And when she always says gosh it gets so annoying. It's not just now stuff like this happens all the time. A girl in my class also pointed out my laugh. Saying "why do you laugh like that?" Wow thanks. And then my friend says I'm never happy? Just today I was smiling at you. Now I wanna cry cause of her. I know she knows my wattpad but she knows all my social media . But she never ever goes to my account. So what's the point she's most likely not gonna see this. I swear the same people that make me smile and I cry for cause I miss them also make me wanna rip my hair out of my scalp. I swear I love most people but at the same time I hate them so much. Personally in my whole grade. I can't name someone I haven't insulted once. Even my bestest friends. Make me wanna cry. Addi, at this point she's perfect. Grades, looks, friends, everyone likes her. EVERYONE. Ivy, pretty, is loved by at least 4 grades. Thalia, she's smart, pretty, people like her, and she's friends with a lot of people. I love them to pieces but it doesn't seem like they love me back. Addi only likes me cause we've been friends since 5 and we get along. She's the only person who hasn't made me cry by a serious reason. My others make me insecure, sad, mad, calm, crazy they make me everything. I swear I wanna walk up to both my cousin and 'best friend' right now and rip their hair out. They make me feel bad about something we both do? She makes me feel like I'm not good enough. She makes me feel like I'm also not good enough. She makes me feel ALSO not good enough. Same with her. I can't name one friend of mine that doesn't make me feel bad. Some may not mean it, but they do. Right now I'm literally shaking cause of them. Pointing out insecurities, making me feel not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cool enough. And Addi, she's my favorite person since my grandma died, I need to stop I'm about to cry in front of my friend and cousin. And I know they will ask what's wrong. That's another thing I hate about everyone. Even myself. They always have to be nosy. Even if I say no. And of course like I said she's staring at me. Looking at me. After I had to wipe a tear. A watery tear. Caused by her. And she looks so concerned like she didn't just call me dramatic, never happy, rude. That's another insecurity. How rude I am? Personally 'you can control it' oh but I just can't? It's like something, no something IS wrong with me, everything's wrong with me, my name, my attitude, my friends, my clothes, my eyes, my hair, my grades, my traits, my freckles, my birthmarks, my hair ties, my bracelets. Everything. Even my life? I wanna go outside at 10:58 am. And scream and cry and rip my hair out. I wanna grab a bat and hit myself. I wanna kill myself so much. 'I say I'm gonna kms but I'm joking' but am I? Am I really? Think deep, think hard. Am I joking..? No one is there for me. My grandma..? Dead. My other? Dead. Grandpa? Dead. Other? Work. Sister? Work, children. Brother? Prison. Other brother? Sports, girls. Other? Autism. Mom? Always vaping and sleeping. Dad? Work, weed, beer, more work. Dogs and cats? No. Aunts? I'm scared. Uncles? Also scared. And I don't even know my brother-in-law. My nieces and nephews don't know me. Friends? They don't care. Its like I'm alone in this room, this house, this town, this state, this country, this world, this universe, this omniverse. A young girl, here venting to random people. Ones that won't even see this, won't even read the 1st sentence. Ones that won't care either. Oh? And my other cousin? She's too busy with baylee. Favorite-picker. Cousins? Too busy with online apps like YouTube. I don't get how I'm here at now 11 am at night on a Saturday, writing multiple sentences, maybe even paragraphs about how life sucks. 'Why does *someone* wanna die so much?' Maybe they're experiencing the same thing as me. I'm insecure on the smallest things, how my hair is styled, my music taste, outfit taste, anime, voice level, even if my eyes have bags I wanna go home. My cousin takes up her whole bed when I stay over, I sleep on the floor since I don't wanna disturb her. She asked if me or my friend wanted to sleep on her bed. My friend talked about how I always sleep on the floor, saying I liked it. No I don't it's uncomfortable. It's very uncomfortable. A cold, dirty, bare floor. No I don't actually. I'm currently also sitting on the floor, not a blanket, no pillow, no nothing. Only me, my phone and my charger. While my friend and my cousin are on her bed playing on their phones. I was playing with them but we got mad at each other and I didn't wanna worsen it. So I went here. And did this. I don't think my friends would like this.. Neither my family. They'd make false accusations '??? Never did that!' '?? Never said that?' 'I didn't know' yes they did, yes they did, i don't care if you knew or not you could've been more observing and noticed I don't feel as comfortable around you as much as I did. Last year we were the bestest friends. Now we're just friends. she was my best friend I was her friend. Now she's my friend. And I'm most likely a person she talks too. It's like j don't know her anymore. Ever since I got closer to her she began taking things away..? My cousin, uncle, mom, dad, even my relatives love her. They talked to her more then they usually talk to me. Then I'm so quiet that my friend who I BROUGHT with me to see my cousin. Forgot I was here. "You scared me" I was just sitting down? They keep singing the most annoying songs. That one big backk version of Dora. They make me so so so happy but so so so so insecure. And bad. And sad. And mad. They make me feel so many emotions at once I can't even comprehend. I've said I swear so much. Cause it's true. Tomorrow we'll be having fun and I'll forget all about this. This most likely will continue for years and years to come. I hate how rude I am to people. Why the fuck do I have to be so rude? Everything I say comes out rude. "Your so rude" I know. I know. If you didn't notice I'm severely insecure about that. It's like I just wanna take back my whole throat. I still haven't poured all my emotions into this. There's many more and it pains me.