Haikyuu!! Oneshots

Incompetent (Kei Tsukishima)

[Artwork is not mine! Credit to mieille]

Requested by: Me :)

Word Count: 3,658

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:
- Intoxication/Alcohol
- Mentions of crossfading/marijuana
- Name Calling: Skinny, Dumb/er, Stupid, Asshole, Crybaby

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     "Skinny," I slur, the tall blonde I just called for slowly making his way up the sidewalk laid in a path to the front door. He's one of Tetsuro's volleyball people or his 'student' as my brother likes to call him. He's a pretty boy. A pretty late to the party boy.
     "Kuroo-Chan," he grumbles, stalling his steps for a moment, taking the time to look around the front yard before he finishes the rest of the path. "Does your brother know where you are?" Tsukishima asks, the darkness of the night hiding the pointed look I'm sure he's sending down at me. Despite it being so dark outside, the blue of the headphones settled on his neck is still present in the black backdrop.
     I shrug my shoulders, my focus on shaking the empty cup in my hand to make sure it's empty. "Has anyone seen my sister?" Tetsuro's strained voice carries out through the open door and windows, almost but not fully drowned out by the music inside.
     The boy in front of me snaps his head up, looking at the party through the propped-open door before his sight falls back to me. "That's a no," he mutters, his hands shoved in his pockets as he looks down at me. "You shouldn't be outside alone."
     "I'm fine," I hum, setting my plastic cup on the porch before propping an arm up, and resting my heavy head on it. It doesn't exactly feel heavy, more like it's dead weight stuck on my shoulders.
     "You're drunk," he counters, moving forward to stand on the bottom step, adding a few inches to his height. Tsukki is only standing for a moment before he crouches down, closing some of the height difference between us. "You shouldn't be alone while drinking, much less outside," he adds, elbows on his knees with his hands pressed together between his knees.
     "I'm fine," I repeat, shrugging my shoulders again as I let my eyes close. "Besides, you're outside alone."
     "I'm not drunk and I'm a guy," he huffs, glancing through the door again.
     "What's that supposed to mean?" I hiss, snapping both my eyes open and my body straight. Tsukki has a terrible attitude most of the time but I never thought misogyny was part of his arsenal.
"It means," he hisses back, the rough tone dropping from the rest of his statement. "Statistically, a sober man is far less likely to get assaulted than a drunk woman. I am a man. I am sober. You're a woman. You are not sober. Stop being stupid."
"You're stupid," I mumble, letting my head tilt to the side so I can look up at the stars instead of the mean boy in front of me. The mean, correct boy.
As I tilt my head, the ability to stop the rest of me from tilting goes out the window, replaced by the short free fall I'm going to have to endure. "Kuroo-Chan," Tsukki growls, his hands shooting forward. One settles behind my neck, cupping it to help my head stop moving. His other one settles in the middle of my back, pushing on me until I'm sat upright again. "You're dumb."
"You're dumber," I whisper, eyes locked on the stars in the sky. Tsukishima's hand on my neck feels warm, adding back some of the body heat the breeze of the night has been stealing from me. The one on my body feels big, easily covering a good chunk of my back. "Your hands are big," I add, my eyes shifting to look at the boy touching me. I try to shift my head to get a better look at him, but it takes a second before I can, Tsuki controlling the movement of it.
He stays silent for a moment, his eyes stuck behind the lens of his glasses slowly blinking as he looks at me. "Is that supposed to be an insult?"
"It's a sta... statis...tic," I jumble the word out, struggling to say it for a moment. Alcohol might make me feel loose and like the world is made out of sugar, but it doesn't help my speech very much.
"That wouldn't be a statistic. It would be a fact," he corrects, the hand on my back bouncing for a second before it goes flat against me again. "How much have you had to drink?" I shrug my shoulders, not completely sure what the answer is. A lot, I think. Probably a lot.
An annoyed sigh spills from Tsukishima, his eyes torn away from me again so he can scan what little of the party he can see through the door. "Too much, probably."
"Probably," I echo, dragging the word out as I let my eyes fall closed again. "I would like another one of those... um... frozen... you know... it's like juice and alcohol but frozen but not like a popsicle-frozen, you know?"
"A spiked slushy?"
"Yes!" I chirp, snapping my eyes open again. Tsukki looks unamused with me. "Yaku was making blue and red candy ones. I had a blue one. I want a red one. Do you want a red one?"
"I don't like drinking."
"Why not?" I ask, trying to tilt my head back to look at the sky again.
Like before, I have to wait for Tsukki to allow it, his hand tightening on the back of my neck so I don't fall onto the porch again. "Alcohol makes people incompetent."
"Your little boyfriend is in - com - pe - tent then," I stumble out, breaking up the word so I can say it easier. Last I knew the freckled boy always attached to Tsukishima was somewhere inside getting crossfaded with Karasuno's backup setter, Kenma, and a few other party-goers. Sugar-something, maybe? Maybe the sugar guy is their captain, though I think his name is dye-something.
"Yamaguchi is incompetent when he's sober too so that's not surprising."
"That's mean. You shouldn't talk about your friends like that," I lecture him around the giggles I can't help but spill.
"I assure you Yamaguchi doesn't mind," Tsuki tells me, letting out another annoyed sigh. "You on the other hand are incompetent when drunk and annoying while sober, so I guess I'll take incompetent over obnoxious."
My head - attempts - to lull to the side, the boy controlling my head movements giving in again and letting me move. My heavy lids droop a bit, trying my best to send him a side-eye of anger. I'm not annoying and I'm not incompetent, Tskuishima is just a mean person. "Do you think I'm annoying?"
Not-so-jolly green giant stays quiet for a moment, simply looking down at me stone-faced. "Yes."
"Asshole," I growl, trying to jerk myself away from his hold. My hands wrap around his wrist, trying to pull his hand off my neck.
Why does Tsukishima have to always be an ass? Would it kill him to be nice to people? Is his heart really that frozen over? I mean, he's not even nice to his best friend. What kind of person is mean to their best friend? People like Tsuki.
The mix of struggling to get his hand off of me and the swirling thoughts of how I ended up with the party asshole makes my eyes sting with tears, the emotions enforced by the alcohol in my system. I'm not this emotional or this easily upset unless I'm drunk. Booze might effortlessly make me happy but it makes all my other emotions easily accessed too.
"Don't cry, Kuroo-Chan," Tsukki murmurs, the hand on my back jumping up to wipe at my cheeks. "Being annoying isn't always a bad thing, crybaby."
"I'm not a crybaby," I try to argue, my voice cracking in the middle of my sentence making it hard to do.
"Well you're crying because I called you annoying. I think that qualifies as a crybaby."
"I'm crying because of the alcohol. Usually, I don't care about your bad attitude."
That gets me a soft grin, Tsukki's fingertips still wiping the wetness of my cheeks. "I know," he mutters, fingers frozen against my cheek for a moment before they're dancing across my skin again. "People tend to fall into drunk categories. Reckless drunks, emotional drunks, abusive drunks, or affectionate drunks."
"Affectionate is an emotion, stupid."
"It is. I suppose I misspoke. Clingy drunks."
"What's the difference," I murmur, letting my eyes fall closed again as I enjoy the light warm touches of Tsuki's fingertips.
"Reckless drunks tend to do stupid stuff for the laughs and experiences. Emotional drunks - like you - switch between being sad and happy easily. Abusive drunks are usually angry, sometimes saying mean things or hurting people. Clingy drunks are, well, clingy and whiney. Does that make sense?"
"Ya," I answer, slowly opening my eyes again. Tsukishima is fully focused on his fingers, watching them trace over my face. "Is it bad that I'm an emotional drunk?"
"No," he answers after a moment, his hand falling away from my face. "It's the best kind of drunk, at least in my book. They're the easiest to handle."
I hum for a moment, watching Tsukki as he watches me. "I need to pee."
His expression drops, back to being stone-faced as he slowly blinks at me again. "Then you should go to the bathroom."
"I should go to the bathroom," I echo, trying to remember how to get to the bathroom in Yaku's house. Is there a downstairs bathroom or just an upstairs bathroom? Where is the upstairs bathroom? I don't know. "I don't know where the bathroom is," I confess, my attention back on four eyes.
"Of course, you don't," he grumbles, another annoyed sigh being pushed out his nose. His eyes flicker up again, back on the party for a moment before they settle in me again. "Let's go find the bathroom, then your brother."
"I don't want to find Tetsuro," I tell Tsukki, my head falling backward at the surprise loss of support I wasn't prepared for.
"Why not?" He asks, his hands pushing against my sides, his hold ending up under my arms. Tsukishima lifts me as he gets up, setting me on my feet once he's standing.
"Because I'm mad at him," I answer, a small smile playing on my lips as the Lion King theme song plays in my head.
Tsukki slowly lets me go, giving me time to adjust to holding up my body weight again. "Why are you mad?" He asks, fully releasing me now.
"I don't remember."
"Of course not," he grumbles, a hand gripping my bicep as he starts walking away, leading me back into the house. As soon as we're across the threshold, we're hit with a heavy mix of music, flashing lights, and the twisted smell of booze and marijuana.
     I'm quickly tugged forward, and settled in front of the tall bean pole. Tsukishima's hands bouncing from their new place on my hips up to my biceps again. "I hate parties," he groans, tugging me closer to himself, my back pressed to his chest.
     "That's because you're boring."
     He shrugs the comment off or didn't hear it. Instead, he starts shouldering us through the hallway, hands falling back down to my hips so he can help me worm through the crowd.
     It takes a couple of minutes but we - more like Tsukki - manage to find the stairs. "Is the bathroom upstairs or downstairs?" He asks head lowered so he can speak closer to my ear.
     "I know there's one upstairs but maybe there's one downstairs."
     "Incompetent," he groans, jerking me towards the stairs. Tsukishima's arms loop around my hipbones, crossing themselves over my stomach as he presses me against the wall. Again, the walk up the stairs is slow, Mr. Know-it-all working to squeeze us around the people making out and passing out.
     When we get to the landing of the second floor, the party is still alive but less in your face. Lights are still low, two or three nightlights being the only source of light in the hallway. The music is softer too but the scent of weed is stronger than it was downstairs.
     A few people are littered around the space, some smoking, and again, some making out. There's a soft mix of a few different voices moaning and whining spilling from the make-outers and some of the bedrooms, making me turn my nose up. Who goes to a party and has sex in someone else's house? Someone else's bed? At least be decent and go do it in your car or something.
     I'm pushed on again, four eyes shoving me toward the line of six or seven people posted outside a door, the door to the bathroom if I had to guess. Most of them are scrolling on their phones and a few doing the potty dance as they wait.
     As Tsukki is making our way by the bathroom, the door swings open, the girl that was in there looking pale as she walks past. "Bathroom," he grumbles, pushing me through the door.
     "Hey!" The man next in line yells, already stepping up to my escort. "She has to wait in line like everyone else, buddy. Back of the line."
     "First come, first serve," Tsukishima answers, his shoulders relaxed despite the man puffing himself off. The dude is shorter than Tsukki, easily half a foot shorter, but he has more muscle mass.
     "No shit. That's why there's a line," the man hisses, taking a step forward.
     "I don't mind waiting," I butt in, gripping Tsukishima's elbow and tugging on it to try and get his attention.
     "You're not waiting," he grumbles, using his side to push me into the bathroom again. "Go to the bathroom," he orders, closing the door before I can argue with him again.
     The man keeps trying to fight Tsukki on the subject, the not-so-jolly green giant having a smart mouth response every time. I shake my head at the stupid boy, causing issues for no reason.
     My hands fall to my pants, trying to undo my belt so I can go to the bathroom and get out before things get too heated between the two. Despite my efforts, my fingers won't work how I want them to, making me struggle to get my belt unhooked. "Tsukki?" I call, trying to turn the doorknob to get it open. The handle won't turn though, making panic bubble in my chest. "Tsukki?" I call again, this time knocking on the door in hopes that'll get his attention. "Why won't the door open?"
     Luckily, it does catch his attention, the door cracked so the blondie can peek in. "Sorry, I was holding the handle and didn't notice you trying to open it. Not that it matters because I know for a fact you didn't go to the bathroom yet."
     "I can't get my belt open," I mutter, my cheeks quickly going hot with embarrassment.
     Glass's eyes snap closed, annoyed sigh, and then they're open again. "You're a very incompetent drunk, do you know that?" He asks, opening the door further so he can slither into the room. His attention is off me for a moment, long enough for the lock on the door to snap into place. "Come here," Tsukki grumbles, fingers shoved between my belt and my pants to pull me closer to him.
     My body tingles as his fingers slide over my belt, settling on the buckle of it. Again, the room is filled with snapping, this time it's my belt being undone instead of the lock being put in place. The next sounds are the snap of my pant button and then my zipper being undone. "Go to the bathroom," he orders again, tapping my forehead with his finger.
     "Yes sir," I hum, turning around and walking away from him. Tsukki rests against the door, his head tipped backward so he's looking at the ceiling. I wiggle my pants down before settling on the toilet, my bladder full but unwilling to go with an audience. "I can't go."
     "Why not? It's not like I'm staring at you." He sighs, eyes still locked on the ceiling.
     "You're going to hear me."
     "You have to be kidding me," he groans, hands jumping to his headphones before settling them over his ears. His hands dig through his pockets, taking out his phone and messing with it for a moment before putting it back. Tsukki throws me a thumbs up, his music loud enough that I can hear the soft humming of it outside his headphones.
     That's good enough for my body, my bladder finally giving in and releasing the pressure of my needs. I go about my business, trying not to think about how there's a boy, my brother's rival 'student', standing in the bathroom with me.
     Once I'm done, I take the time to wash and dry my hands, my fingers instantly chilly because of their dampness and the wind blowing through the open bathroom window. "Tsukki?" I call again, pressing my hands against his neck, his body heat instantly starting to eat away at my chilliness.
     His head snaps down, an annoyed scowl on his face. Despite his annoyance, his hands drop down to refasten my pants and belt for me. When my pants are secure in my body again, Tsukishima tugs his headphones off, pulling my hands away from his warmth to settle them in place. "Don't do that again."
     "Why not?"
     "I don't like being cold," he grumbles, turning away from me to unlock and open the door. Tsukki strolls out of the bathroom, leaving me standing in the doorway looking after him. He gets halfway down the hallway before his head starts moving around, checking both sides of himself before turning towards me again. "What are you doing?"
     "I don't know," I answer, shrugging my shoulders.
     "Come here," he orders his voice a mix of pissiness and disbelief. I do as ordered again, trailing down the path he just took before standing in place next to him. "You are so dumb. It's amazing how dumb you are. You might even be dumber than Hinata and Kageyama," Tsukishima lectures me, shoving his fingers between my belt and my pants again and wrapping them around my belt. This time he's clinging to a section that runs across my lower back.
     "I'm not dumb."
     "Yes, you are," he argues, using my belt to tug me down the hallway, back toward the stairs. The descent back down is easier this time, Tsukki already knows the layout and how to work around everyone. Once we're on the landing of the first floor, I only get a second before four eyes is pulling on me again, leading me down the first hallway we crossed. "Where's the kitchen?"
     "That way," I chirp, pointing at the swinging door at the end of the hallway. Tsukki groans again, pulling me in the direction I pointed. He shoulders the door open, maneuvering the both of us into the kitchen.
     My eyes instantly fall on the frosty owl of my brother's friend group. "Boku-Chan!" I call, wiggling in Tsukishima's hold, trying to get loose to greet Tetsuro's friend.
     "Hey, hey, hey," the big man barks, quickly making his way toward us. "Mini-Rooster and Tsukki-poo."
     "Don't call me that," Tsukishima complains, letting me go when Bokuto is two or three steps away from us.
     I instantly shoot forward, colliding with the big man's chest. Bokuto's arms fall over my shoulders, holding me to his chest as his hand rubs against my back. I welcome the comfort of a man I grew up seeing as one of many big brothers Tetsuro has collected for me, wrapping my arms around him and burying my head in my chest. "Killer graduation party Yaku is throwing, huh? What did he get his degree in again?"
     "Sports studies or something dumb like that," I answer, my words coming out muffled because of my position.
     "Are you enjoying the party, Tsukki-dude?"
     "No," he answers, voice clipped short. "Do you know where Kuroo is?" He asks his hand back to being wrapped around my belt, tugging me away from Bokuto. Tsukishima doesn't stop tugging on me until I'm situated against him again, his chest to my back.
     "What? Worried Kuroo is going to see you hanging on his baby sister? I heard he put the fear of God in the last guy he saw clinging to his mini-me," Bokuto teases, a soft chuckle following.
     "He didn't put the fear of God into my ex. Tetsuro just... made sure he knew if he caused me any issues during the break that Kenma has the means to 'get rid of him' but he just kidding," I correct, letting my head rest against Tsukki's shoulder. The alcohol is catching up to me and making it hard to keep my thoughts straight. All I can think about is how he smells like vanilla.
     "Sure he was, Chicky," Bokuto mutters, shaking his head at me. "Well, you two enjoy yourself. When I run into Kuroo I'll let him know I saw you safe and sound, without a tall blonde four-eyed blocker gripping you like he wants to eat you whole." The joking is paired with a passing wink this time, the owl-man walking off to go do who knows what.
     "It's not like that!" Tsukishima yells after him, his breath a bit huffy.
     "Sure it ain't, Tsukki-dude," the owl yells over his shoulder, the argument getting cut off when the kitchen door swings closed.
     "It's not like that," the blocker repeats, this time quieter and aimed at me. I shrug my shoulders, letting more of my body weight melt into him. "It's not."
     "It's okay if it is."
     "You're incompetent, Kuroo-Chan," he grumbles, his grip tightening on me. I glance up at him, sure as the sun that his cheeks are dusted pink. "And annoying."
     "I know."