We're Still Human

Chapter 40: The Reason I'm Yours

I burn the end of the twig she gave me before hitting it on the ground, the music dying down as Stacy and her friend leave along with the rest of the girls. The matron comes to me, and I stand, smiling.

"I just need a few minutes with her, we'll put the fire out and leave once it's out." I nod at Nadia, who chuckles while throwing the twig in the fire.

"Yeah, we'll put it out," Nadia backs me up.

The matron glares at me, before sighing. "15 minutes and that's it." With that, she walks away.

I sit by Nadia again, watching as she reaches for another twig. I stare at the flames, not knowing what to say. I've always imagined a day like this; us just...talking. I thought the Brisbane conversation was enough, but as I sit here and avoid eye contact, I can tell that there's more that we left unsaid than we'd like to both admit.

Needless to say, the bridge between us is coming down, it has to.

"I don't know what to say," I whisper. "I always thought I had this conversation planned out in my head but turns out I'm just a fucking fraud."

Nadia stops playing with the twig, throwing it into the fire. "Guess I could say the same."

I throw my stick in too, and sigh. "Can we...can we just talk without all these walls? Just like we used to?" I muster the courage to look at her.

She stares at me too. "I don't think I can stop myself from falling apart if I let my guard down."

"Maybe falling apart is one way for us to get our shit together," I say, holding her hand and squeezing it. "And even if you do, I'll be here to...help you get back together."

"That's not what you used to say back then," Nadia pulls her hand away from mine, holding herself. "I don't remember you being this intuitive."

"I think we've both changed, haven't we?" I say, throwing a bit of water to help the fire start dying down.

"I don't know if I've changed, but I know you have," she mumbles, helping me out. "You have."

"Don't tear yourself down like that, Nadia, you've changed too," I reassure her. "You're not bad."

"Oh God this hurts worse than getting broken up with," she groans as I laugh. "Two ex best friends who lowkey liked each other talking as if we got out of a queer romance book. Come on now, do me a solid and just say it. Say you hate me or something."

I shrug. "I can't."

"Oh yes you can," Nadia mumbles. "I'm tired of pretending everything is fine between us, Nothando. I can't, I hate what I did to you every single day of my life. And I hate it because you've made it so hard to live with...the guilt is unbearable."

"You know, that's the funny thing...I can't say that I fucking hate you because I don't. I can't even say that I hate you to your face because I don't think I ever did," I admit, gazing at her. "I tried so hard to hold onto anger but...I fucking can't. I just can't."

"So we've both met a standstill," Nadia sniffles. "I can't take back what I did, Yasmina."

"I know."

"And I can't hide how I felt for you before, and maybe how I still do feel," Nadia admits, her bottom lip quivering. "I'm sorry for making you feel like you were never enough, you are, Yasmina. Maybe I got so scared of what we could have been but I know that ship has sailed and won't come back but I can't live without telling you that I fucking liked you, Yasmina. I did, and I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I do wish we could try to be friends again. I understand if you don't and...if you really don't want us to have any sort of relationship ever again, today will be the last day we talk. We can pretend we were never friends, I will go into my corner and you yours, you can live your life with Kenda—"

"I forgive you, Nadia," I cut her off. "And I'm sure we're mature enough to be friends past whatever we had."

Nadia's eyes widen. "You're giving Mr that chance?"

I nod slowly. "I don't know where we both are going from here, but I don't want you our of my life for good. I miss my fucking best friend, bro."

A tear slips down Nadia's cheek as she laughs, her cackle mixing with her cries. "I fucking miss you too."

"But... I do think we need time to rebuild again," I state. "A lot has happened and some things are going to take lots of time to heal, but I don't want to just give up on you. I'm not a quitter, after all."

Nadia wraps her arms around me, hugging me tight. "You're stubborn and I love you for that."

I hesitate, but wrap my arms around her, finally allowing myself to cry in her arms again. And as I tear up, Nadia releases a wail, the fire dying down completely as we hold each other and cry together for the first time.

***

A few days passed and everything has been quiet. Exams are finally underway, and I promised to meet Kendall in her room after her chem exam. At first, I thought about telling her about the music program I want to do next year, but even I don't know if that's what I truly want to do yet. There's a lot going on, and I put in some early applications to universities near here, Sydney and Perth, hearing nothing back yet. Maybe today isn't the time for this, I have something else in mind.

I take the kit kats that Jo and Lynn gave to me passing by, and knock on her door after the junior bell rang. The door swings open, and there stands Kendall in her hello kitty pajamas, surprised. She steps aside as I walk in, removing my morning gown to reveal my lilo and stitch nighties. She chuckles, sitting on her bed.

"Kit kats are usually a peace offering," she says. "I thought we were okay?"

I take a step forward. "Yeah, we are. I just...want to be honest."

Her smile drops, and she takes the Kit kats. "Talk to me."

"Kendall..." I close my eyes and try to bite back my words, but when I open them again and look into the eyes of my girlfriend, my breathing becomes steady, and I begin to cry. "Thank you. For...everything."

Kendall rises to her feet, and walks over to me, dropping the Kit kats across the floor. "Hey, that's just love, Yasmina. I love you."

The tears won't stop, and everything I felt like saying just evaporated or turned to wails. Kendall though, holds me and caresses my back, before I can feel her own tears trickle down my back. I hold onto her tighter, not holding it in anymore.

"I'm here," she whispers. "I'm always here."

And as she held me into the night, the reason I'm hers just continued to echo through my head. The comfort, the love; this is nothing I would've ever felt from anyone else.

That's part of the reason I'm hers. And I'm sure she knows that.