Scared (Jonnor)

Chapter 2

"Callie, no!" Jude argued, sitting up in his hospital bed with his sister at his side.

"Jude, I can't possibly think about going to college knowing you're in danger like this!" She fought back.

"San Diego State isn't that far from here!"

"It's far enough that I can't watch over you!"

"I don't need you to watch over me, Callie! I'll be in high school!" Jude yelled.

"That's what worries me! Kids are mean in high school!"

"They're the same kids I have to deal with right now!" Realizing how loud they both were being, he lowered his voice and added, "We have a family, a great family who can protect me if I ever need it."

"I know, but I'm scared to leave you, Jude..." Callie sighed and ran a shaky hand through her hair. Jude leaned over the railing of his bed and wrapped his arms around his sister's neck.

"Because of who I am, because of my sexuality," Jude whispered, "I'm going to have to deal with these sorts of things my whole life. I've accepted that, and I'm prepared to face the challenges that have been set for me. You have to accept that too, and you have to accept that you can't be there to protect me forever."

Callie smiled into his shoulder and whispered, "When did my baby brother grow up so much?"

---

Connor sat by himself on the curb outside of the hospital. He had planned to call his dad to get him, but when he stepped outside, he could not find the strength within himself to pull his cellphone from his pocket. And so, instead, he sat and watched the cars pass by, finding peace in the normality of it all.

Normal was not a word he had used to describe anything in his life in a long time.

Jude wanted to break up; Connor knew that very well. While he knew it was best, knew it was safest, a part of him could not help but feel that Jude was giving up. Connor had promised to help Jude lift weights, build some muscle before freshman year began. But every time they found time to start, they ended up curled up on the couch, playing video games or streaming the Star Wars movies.

At the time, those moments were so sweet, seemed so innocent and important. Now, regret filled Connor's lungs with each breath, knowing that all of those opportunities had been wasted, knowing that now it may have been too late to fix.

It was all Connor's fault; he could not shake that aching feeling, that gnawing thought inside of his mind.

"Connor?" Lena asked as the automatic doors behind him opened and closed once again. "We were looking for you. Is everything alright?"

"I just- I needed some air," he sighed, putting his head into his hands.

"No, I mean, is everything alright?" Lena said, sitting next to him.

"I guess..." Connor did not move as she rested an arm around his shoulders.

"You know, we love you like you're family, Connor," she reminded him. "You can always let me know what's going on." He smiled lightly into his hands.

His father had been working very hard to accept him as gay, had stopped trying to fight it, but Connor never felt as comfortable at home as he did with the Adams-Fosters. Sometimes he was even jealous of Jude for living in such an accepting environment, for waking up each morning without worrying about feeling shame when he climbed out of bed.

"I just feel so guilty." He whispered into his hands, tears building back up in his eyes.

"I was waiting for you to say it." He looked up at her.

"So you agree that this is all my fault?" Connor asked, unsure whether he wanted to hear her say yes or say no.

"Absolutely not! If I blamed myself every time Stef was called a nasty name or was told to go to hell, I'd feel shame for loving her as much as I do. Love is not dangerous, Connor." She sighed and rubbed his shoulder. "Love is not the enemy here, and neither are you."

"Jude wants to break up."

"Did he say that?" Lena asked, moving her arm to place both hands on her knees.

"Almost did before you all walked in," he said, wiping a salty tear from his cheek before it touched his lips.

"He loves you," she reminded him. "He's speaking out of fear. You two will talk about it. You'll figure it all out."

"I can't keep putting him in danger." Connor looked Lena in the eyes, and she saw the same fear from Jude's eyes in his.

"You are not putting him in danger; his sexuality puts him in danger, just as much as yours does, Stef's does, and mine does," she said. "My skin color puts me in danger, and Mariana's heritage puts her in danger. Stef's career puts her in danger. Callie's history puts her in danger. My point is, the possibility of danger cannot be a dam that stops us from living."

"So what should I do if Jude wants to break up?" Connor asked, feeling better but still very unsure.

"Jude will need time to cope with what just happened," Lena answered.

"So we should break up?"

"If that's what Jude needs... yes. Give it a little time, but I have no doubt in my mind that you and Jude have not seen your happiest days together. Trust in love."

"Trust in love... That doesn't sound so easy," Connor admitted, closing his eyes. "But for Jude, I will. I will trust in love."

-- if any of you are interested, one of my favorite songs is Scared by Delta Rae, which has been kind of playing in the back of my mind while writing this story (*coughs* title *coughs*). I didn't link it because the music video is kind of odd, but if you want to listen to it, I highly suggest it --